At The Crossroads: The Transformation of Parenting: Accepting Our Adult Children

I can’t let my son go (to college). I am very scared and concerned for his safety.   It’s just not safe out there.  He can stay at home, rent free, find a job, and leave when it’s safe. You asked when will that be? I don’t know.  God will let me know.

–        Anonymous Parent (mother)

I have a son 19 who wants to live the thug life.  I’ve been paying his rent, utilities, cell phone and giving him a monthly stipend of $2,000.00.  Following his last stint in jail for four months he wasted the $8,000.00 I had saved for him. Now, he’s back in jail, wanting me to get him an attorney.  I have had enough.  I will continue to pay his rent, utilities, and cell phone bill.  Anything else he is going to have to do it on his own.

–        Anonymous Parent (father)

I have a daughter who is away attending college out of state. This [is] the first time she has ever lived away from me.  I have been calling her several times a day to check on her.  She won’t tell me anything.  She’s a good girl… and she’s smart.  I am worried.  I met her dorm mate. She seemed levelheaded.  I know [that] I am being a helicopter parent.  I am beginning to irritate my daughter. I don’t know what to do.

–        Anonymous Parent (father)

My Dear Readers,

It is that special time of life that parents have been waiting for since the birth of their child… the ending of one stage of development, adolescence, and movement into the next stage, young adulthood. There is an old saying: “Be careful what you wish for because you just might get it”.

For many years, parents have been directing, supervising, managing, and guiding their children to this very day: adulthood.  Many parents have thought, prayed, wished, and waited for the “freedom” the arrival that this very special moment is going to bring and yet, instead of waves of joy and relief, there may be feelings of unanticipated anxiousness, uncertainty, and unexpected fear.

The three quotes at the beginning of this blog represent statements from parents who have reached out expressing concerns about their children. However, the intent of this blog is to focus on the parents and not the young adults.

The common needs the three parents expressed in the quotes include:

• control
• protection
• resolution of parental fear
• provision of a safe and secured space for the young adult

The needs of the parent can create the following issues within the parent – young adult relationship:

• Conflict regarding parental control and freedom being sought by the young adult.
• Contradictions in parental boundaries and expectations of young adults.
• Confusion and lack of clarity in parental expectations and roles.

Transforming & Restructuring the Parent-Young Adult Relationship: The ABCs of Parent – Adult Interaction

As previously stated, the earlier roles of parental involvement in the daily lives of their children included:  

• directing
• supervising
• managing
• providing guidance

One difficulty that is essential for parents to understand is the transforming and restructuring of the relationship with their child. Once the child attains adulthood, that change is permanent. They must understand that there is no returning to the prior status of childhood or adolescence.  It is in this understanding that the parent realizes that the earlier parental role is now transformed into The ABCs of Parent Adult Interaction.  This includes the following:

• (A) Advocate – as an advocate, the parent should be a good listener, be supportive, have awareness of all the necessary information, and be a good representative should such be called upon.

• (B) Background – being in the background, the parent avoids attracting attention, accepting a position of being less important while encouraging the young adult to step forward accepting responsibility in relationships, communications, and intimacy.  The parent in the background can have an important effect on self-esteem and building confidence in the young person’s life.

• (C) Consultant – as a consultant, the parent is available “upon request” to provide coaching through important decisions, using one’s cumulative experience and knowledge to offer guidance on an issue identified by the young adult.

Concluding Remarks

My Dear Readers,

We do not live in a perfect world and therefore there is no perfect solution for the parents listed in the three quotes.  Here are some recommendations:

• Conflict regarding parental control and freedom being sought as a young adult

Parents must resolve their own internalized fears. They must let go and allow their young adults the freedom they have now attained in adulthood.  The mother who will not allow her son to go off to college is projecting her fear upon her son which places him in the situation of living in fear as well.  Living at home rent free under the mother’s watchful eye is not a safety net; it is merely another form of incarceration.

• Contradiction in parental boundaries and expectations of young adults

Parents must clarify for themselves what are the boundaries and expectations of young adults. It is unrealistic to expect that a 19-year-old seeking to enjoy the “thug” life would be appreciative and act responsibility with a monthly stipend of $2,000.  Understandably the free rent, utilities and cell phone are intended to keep the young adult at a distance yet in a safe place.  However, the financial resources that he did not earn or achieve have been squandered and he is in the place where thugs eventually end up… jail.  The father is living in fear and not validating the intended desires and actions of his son.  The father has set the boundary of no more funds.  The adult son will benefit from the lesson if the father maintains the boundary now set in place.

• Confusion and lack of clarity in parental expectations and roles

Parents must clarify for themselves the roles they seek to have within the lives of their young adults.  Assuming the parent is successful in assisting the young adults in achieving values and clarity in direction, morals etc., then it is feasible to extend trust to the young adult in decision making and experiencing life outside the immediate purview of the parent.  The status of helicopter parenting is one of living in fear, reinforcing lack of trust in the young adult.  Continuations of such behavior will no doubt result in tension and most likely distancing as the young adult may seek alternate ways to engage in living life outside the purview of the hovering parent.

In closing, parenting a child to adulthood is accomplished by following many years of parental distress and joy.  Once the child attains adulthood, the work of parenting is not over, done, or completed.  The reality of being a parent is simple, being a parent is a lifetime vocation.  However, similarly as parents seek for their child to make the transformation into adulthood… so must parents do the same. 

So, consider the transformation to Advocates…Background…Consultants…

Until The Next Crossroads… The Journey Continues

At The Crossroads: The Absentee Father Resurfacing During Young Adulthood.

“You can run but he can’t hide. Once the bell rings, you are on your own. I made the most of my ability and I did my best with my title.”

–        Joe Louis, “The Brown Bomber”. World Heavyweight Champion, 1937-1949.

My Dear Readers,

Being born in Harlem New York and having my childhood in the segregated Jim Crow South during the pre-Civil Rights era, I recall the old men talking about their hero of the day, Joe Louis.  They spoke with joy and pride describing how they listened to the radios calling out his boxing matches and describing each blow to the body or head to his opponent as blows against white domination.  Although too young to really understand the meaning of these boxing matches, it was still a joy for me as I recall these moments and memories of my childhood. Now, these old men are dead and gone.  I have now become the old man, left to share their understanding of Joe Louis’s legacy in the context of this new form of Jim Crow confronting African Americans in 2023.

Joe Louis was the World Heavyweight Champion from 1937 to 1949.  He successfully defended his title 25 consecutive times and holds the record for the longest single reign of a champion in boxing history. Joe Louis is a testament of the blood, sweat and tears of African Americans during the Jim Crow era. He represented their hopes and was a vicarious response to their fears and challenges.  In the boxing ring, his fights were blows struck against racism, oppression, and discriminatory treatment. Though outside of the ring, he was not formally educated, he was a wise person providing insight with his quotes that are still relevant to this very day.

It is with these quotes by Joe Louis that I will seek to bring hope and respond to the fears and challenges presented in the following account of an African American father of three adult children. As a father he was not involved in his children’s lives.  Now his children are adults, holding anger and resentment as he seeks to enter their lives.  

The father begins:

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Dear Dr. Kane,

I am the parent of three adult children.  Just like my own experience where my father was not involved in my life, […] I was not involved in their lives.  When I was growing up, I swore to myself that I was going to be a better father and here I turned out to be just like him. I never told my children anything about their grandfather.  I never knew my father.  He was a “rolling stone”.  He sought the company of other women, prioritizing these women, effectively abandoning his family when I was nine years old.

My reason for writing is one of my sons, who is living on the east coast, is getting married and I have been invited to attend the wedding.  I will not have any role in the wedding.  I have not earned the right of a father. I will be sitting in the rear of the wedding and reception and not be visible [nor will I be] standing next to my son during the services.  As I have not earned the right, I do not expect to be in the family wedding pictures.  As I have not earned the right, during the reception, I will not ask [them to allow me to] give a toast extending well wishes to [the] wedding couple. I acknowledge that I have feelings of guilt and shame.  I would like to make amends regarding the pain I have caused.

My [other] children will be attending their brother’s wedding. I know my children are extremely angry and hold years of resentment [towards me] due to my lack of involvement.  I know I was wrong.  I unknowingly adopted the poor habits of my father.  I now want to be in their lives. I want to prove to them [that] I can become a better parent. I hope that one day they will forgive me. I want to approach them individually and together to apologize.  However, I won’t do this at the wedding because this is my son’s day to shine and celebrate his happiness.  Can you advise me? Am I on the right track, staying [in] the background?

Dad seeking forgiveness,

Portland, OR

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There were several themes arising from this letter. This is a father who has strong feelings of regret regarding his actions of not being involved during his children’s formative years. Now, when his children are adults, he is seeking to be involved in their lives. Although this was written by one African American father, it is a story shared by many men who, regardless of race, as they continue to age, hold unresolved feelings about lack of involvement in their children’s lives.

In this specific situation, this father wants to attend his son’s wedding and acknowledges having feelings of guilt and shame.  He may be responding to conflicts of his desire to be involved in his son’s wedding and apparently seeks to resolve the conflicts by attending the wedding while seeking to remain hidden within the crowd of wedding guests.  In acknowledging his children’s anger and resentment there is the reflection of song by Janet Jackson, “What Have You Done for Me Lately” (1985). Some of the lyrics include the following:

“What have you done for me lately?

I never asked for more than I deserve.

You know it’s the truth.

You ought to be thankful for the little things.

But little things are all you seem to give.

You’re always puttin’ off what we could do today.

Soap opera says you’re got one life to live.

Who’s right, who’s wrong?”

Hiding Among the Wedding Guests

“You can run but you can’t hide.”

–        Joe Louis

The father’s decision to remain at the rear of both the wedding and the reception is an attempt to resolve the conflict he feels for attending by hiding in plain view.  The reality displayed in the letter is the father “living in fear” and is seeking to either continue running or try to distance himself from his emotions. The quote above by Joe Louis can be clinically interpreted as: One can try to escape what one fears the most but ultimately the individual must face their fears.  Understanding that the father is fearful of possible rejection by his children, he should take into consideration that he was invited to attend the wedding and not excluded. 

As his children may also be wrestling with their feelings, the invitation may be a gesture, an acknowledgment of family and/or an offering of reconnection. Rather than seeking refuge in the shadows, it is recommended that the father be visible, extend congratulatory comments and make himself available for whatever role, may it be toasting or picture involvement that the bride and groom would ask.  Furthermore, should he not be invited to partake in a specific role, his attendance at the wedding is a statement of acknowledgment of both acceptance by his children, as well as beginning of his transformation from a non-involved parent to an involved parent.

“I have not earned the right of a father.”

“Once the bell rings, you are on your own.”

–        Joe Louis

Each time “The Brown Bomber” stepped into the boxing ring to confront a new opponent, to focus on the forthcoming tasks, he had to make peace with himself.  The same concept can be applied to this father.  As he enters the wedding proceedings, in comparison to a boxing match, he will be stepping into this “ring”.

Rather than entering as a champion, he will be the contender.  He will be there alone, without a supporting cast. All eyes, including his children, other family members and friends will be watching to see how he will interact and the outcome of his involvement in the proceedings. 

In the letter, the father acknowledges having feelings of guilt, shame, and the desire to make amends regarding the pain he has caused.  However, prior to seeking his children’s forgiveness, it is recommended that he take a respite, emotionally stepping away and embrace his feelings of guilt and shame.  It is in the embrace that he can be reflective and balance his feelings and thoughts, bringing closeness and normalizing his feelings rather than distancing himself. This process will assist him in coming to terms with his past and help him move towards healthier and more meaningful interactions with his children.

“I want to prove to them I can become a better parent”.

“I made the most of my ability and I did my best with my title.”

–        Joe Louis

Joe Louis was a symbol of greatness. The Jim Crow era was an extremely difficult time for Black people in America. Though he was not formally educated, the wisdom he shared was passed down from his mother.  Like the children in this letter, Joe Louis grew up without his father, Munroe Barrow, who was committed to an asylum when he was just two years old. With the available information regarding his father, Joe Lewis defined him as a “rolling stone”. In the African American community, a “rolling stone” is defined as a man chasing multiple women and unable to settle down even if he had a wife and children. This type of person was also seen as not taking care of his family illustrated by in the song “Papa Was a Rollin Stone”, (originally released by The Undisputed Truth 1971 and re-released by The Temptations 1972).  Some of the lyrics include:

Papa was a rollin’ stone

Wherever he laid his hat was his home

And when he died, all he left us was alone.

Hey Momma!

Is it true what they say that Papa never worked a day in his life

And Momma, some bad talk goin’ round town sayin’ that

Papa has three outside children

And another wife, and that ain’t right

In line with the lyrics, this father did not grow up with his father.  As a child he became aware of his father’s unacceptable behaviors of womanizing and family abandonment. Although this father made the commitment not to be like his father, he too found himself engaging in similar behaviors that lead to him abandoning his own family.  Now that his children are adults, in seeking to make amends, there is the verbal commitment of becoming a better parent than his father.

Rather than seeking to become a better father, it recommended to follow the wisdom of Joe Lous, “I made the most of my ability and I did the best with my title”.  Specifically, focus on one’s ability to spend quality, meaningful time, and interaction with one’s children.  Do one’s best with the title of father.

Concluding Words

“When I was growing up, I swore to myself that I was going to be a better father and here I turned out to be just like him. I never told my children anything about their grandfather.  I never knew my father.”

My Dear Readers,

There are several concerns and recommendations that I will leave you and others to consider:

• “I swore to myself that I was going to be a better father.” – It is wasteful to spend precious time trying to correct the past.  The concept of “bettering the past” cannot be objectively measured.  Therefore, focus on becoming a “different parent” creating interactions and behaviors with one’s children.  Acknowledge the past and the mistakes made and seek to be different than your father instead of better.

• “I turned out to be just like him.”– It is feasible that the parent of this father learned behaviors by observing his father.  Therefore, as behaviors are modeled unconsciously, there is merit that this father modeled the behavior of his father who engaged in “rollin’ stone” behavior.  It is with sincere hope this father will enter a therapeutic relationship focusing on forgiveness of self and healing the unresolved traumatic wounds resulting not only in his wounding but also in the wounding of his children.

• “I never told my children anything about their grandfather.” It is feasible that the father has limited information or holds negative feelings such as shame or disappointment about the actions and behaviors of the children’s grandfather.  All children have a fundamental right to know what information is available about key family members. To deny a child this information may result in distress leading to psychological trauma. Therefore, regardless of the quantity or quality of information it is best to share with children and assist them in balancing the information as well as creating a healthy “emotional container” to hold this information.

In closing, there is sincerity in hope and achievement in the development of positive interactions between this father and his children.  Speaking specifically to the African American community, it is a crucial mistake to maintain the belief that “time will heal wounds”.  The reality is that time is simply what it is… time.  Without both a commitment and the work that follows the commitment, time is what it is: moments of passage.

Past… Present… Future

Letting go of the past…

Is not forgetting…

The pain… the wounding… the suffering.

In honoring the memories

We do not surrender

In letting go, we honor

The past

As we live in the present

Preparing our children

For the future.

Dr. Micheal Kane

Until The Next Crossroads… The Journey Continues

At The Crossroads: The Captain/Savior Complex or Making A Difference?

“You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make him drink” – Unknown

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“Ducks quack and complain while eagles soar high and above.  So, soar like an eagle and stop quacking like a duck.” – Chinese proverb

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“I tell my students, ‘When you get these jobs that you have been so brilliantly trained for, just remember that your real job is that if you are free, you need to free somebody else.  If you have some power, your job is to empower somebody else. This is not just a grab-bag candy game.”

–Toni Morrison, Author & Recipient, Nobel Prize for Literature (1993)

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“Appreciate every step you are walking in your journey.  Even if it’s not where you want to be.  Every step has its purpose.” -The Mind’s Journal

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Dear Dr. Kane,

I am writing to you out of frustration.  I am a Black Teaching intern at a high school in Tacoma, Washington, in the Puget Sound region of the Pacific Northwest.  I teach in a behavior-focused class consisting of mostly African American males, Latino males, and a few White males.  The school feels like a precursor to the prison system with the students acting as inmates, running the institution.   Although there is a dress code, a behavioral code, and a code regarding the use of cell phones in school… all of this is ignored by the students and not regulated or directed by the faculty or administration.   

Daily, I see young girls dressed inappropriately, students smoking weed in the parking lot during the day, students being destructive in the back of the classroom, and using their cell phones in the classroom either texting their friends or playing video games, all of this being ignored by the teachers. I also run the study hall for the football players after school, which is just a place for the students to cut up, talk loudly and do anything but study and focus on their schoolwork.

I am very concerned about the school-to-prison pipeline.  When I talk to the students about this issue and  about preparing to go to college, they ignore me and laugh. However, when I look at these young men, I see me.   When I was their ages, I remember having Mr. Bates, a Black teacher, inspire me, stay on me, encourage, and support me.  He gave back to his community and here I am, wanting to do the same.  I want to help uplift these young people. Yet every day, I arrive at school energized and I leave at the end of the day feeling defeated.

Recently, our school sent a contingent of Black students to a student event focusing on Black leadership of the future, focusing on leaders in the field of sciences, technology, engineering, and mathematics (STEM).  While the other three high schools in the district contributed 225 students combined, my school sent only 7 students, and of the 7, all were young women!  The students from other schools provided a display of projects completed at their home schools during Black History Month, where my school administration waited three days into Black History Month before acknowledging it, and none of the faculty created any activities to honor the significance of Black achievements. Even though the faculty knew about the students attending the STEM event, nothing was done to assist or prepare the students for the event.  They went to the event empty handed, and I was so disappointed.

It is unclear to me whether the administration and the faculty understand the significance of Black History Month or how at risk these kids really are.  I spend my time focusing on the most vulnerable of them, doing what Mr. Bates did for me so long ago. I spent countless hours mentoring, encouraging, and supporting one of these students, who I will call Steven, in hopes of improving his grades so that he would have the chance to be, like me, the first one in his family to attend college.

One day, he passed by me as I returned to class from lunch, and I was almost floored by the strong smell of weed arising directly from him.  He tried to speak to me, and I turned away, telling him to go to his seat.  I was so disappointed in him.  I was in the process of writing to my dean at an all-Black Male college, urging that that they take him, but I’m not sure I want to advocate for him now.  I really wanted this for him.  I feel like a fool.

My time as a teaching intern is ending soon, and I will soon earn my teaching credentials, which will allow me to lead my own classroom.  However, I am having second thoughts as to whether I should continue to go in this direction.  I don’t feel that my efforts are valued by the students, the parents are unresponsive, and the administration and faculty remain silent in the face of what is clearly young Black people being set up to fail in early adulthood.

I don’t know whether the school administration is even aware of these issues.  In fact, the school will be graduating 400 Black students this year and 70% of them now have failing grades.

Recently, I was contacted by a recruiter from a global technology firm, suggesting that my skill sets would work well for their industry.  The financial package and incentives offered is almost three times what I would make starting out as a teacher.  I am confused as to what I should do. Regardless of where I go in my decision, I want to continue to serve as a mentor to Black students.  Can you offer me some advice?  Should I consider talking to a counselor?  I know I have unresolved issues from my own childhood and adolescence that is holding me back. 

Confused & Stuck

Tacoma, WA

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My Dear Young Man,

In your words, I see a young man committed to his community and to assist others less fortunate. You are committed to mentoring and preparing these young people for the realities facing them in the adult world and to help them avoid the fate of the school to prison pipeline, and this is being frustrated by the inaction of your school administration and faculty.

The urgency you feel about the school-to-prison pipeline is warranted. Three out of four young black men have served time in prison, and as many as 80% of young African American men in the US today have criminal records that will subject them to legal discrimination for the rest of their lives.

In your writing you speak highly of your former teacher and mentor Mr. Bates.  You also spoke of your intense disappointment in Steven’s decision to smoke cannabis during the lunch break, making you reconsider recommending him for the college you attended.

Although your signature line ends with Confused & Stuck, it is apparent that instead of being confused, you are conflicted in your desire to serve the community you come from and balancing both with your concerns/fears for the students under your purview, while wanting to pursue and maintain your own mental health and happiness.  

Understanding your commitment to your community and mentoring Black students, your frustrations are magnified in your inability to get others to see the danger ahead: 

• What makes them oblivious to the danger that you see?
• Or maybe because of their age and inexperience, they are unable to see?
• Is it my role as an adult to get them to see what I see?
• Do I continue to push, implore, and demand that they listen to me?
• What am I doing wrong?

Let’s respond to the last question first:  “What am I doing wrong?” The issue here is the Captain/Savior Complex.  This is where a person, the Captain/Savior, saves another from danger and expects to be regarded with that person’s reverence and respect for saving them. This is a common pattern befalling many aspiring young African Americans seeking to “give back” to their community. 

Within the African American community, we are raised with specific messages that ingrain service, giving, community, collectivism, and most importantly, sacrifice for others into our psychological landscapes.  These messages include:

• Each one, teach one.
• He ain’t heavy, he’s my brother.
• A mind is a terrible thing to waste.
• It takes a village to raise a child.

Although these sayings are well intended, the problem is that the Captain/Savior’s actions may not be aligned with the desires of the people they want to help. Those individuals may not want assistance from the Captain/Savior.  Furthermore, any obligations that the Captain/Savior has to their own life, such as family, church, community, must be balanced against the needs of the people that the Captain/Savior is trying to help, and they often suffer.  As a result, the Captain/Savior is often forced to deplete their own psychological resources, continuously investing time, energy, and effort into mentorship, advocacy, and other supporting efforts, hoping that something will resonate.

Let’s examine the realities of these idioms that you may be staunchly guiding oneself by:

• Each One, Teach One
  • Truth: Even in your limited teaching experience,  you are not observing this directly.  There is no commitment to either teach or learn from each other.
• He Ain’t Heavy, He’s My Brother
  • Truth: He is heavy! The fact that he is my brother does not take away the reality of interacting with a person who is psychologically impacted and weighing me down as I am seeking to help him.
• A Mind Is A Terrible Thing To Waste
  • Truth: In your daily experience, you see the potential of brilliance and the possibilities of tomorrow being wasted by lack of discipline and behavioral reinforcement.
• It Takes a Village to Raise a Child
  • Truth: The villagers have scattered; some are fearful of their own children and are therefore incapable of raising them. For the children of the village to succeed, their parents must be deeply involved in academic learning.  However,  when seeking to choose between focusing on providing food, clothing and shelter or being actively involved in daily learning, those parents are forced to choose the basics of life over their child’s academic development.

Young Man, you benefited from the mentorship offered to you by your beloved Mr. Bates.  However, the problem here is that as you seek to follow in his steps, you are failing to take into consideration that you chose to accept Mr. Bates’ assistance and the resources he had to offer.  The error in your actions is your unwillingness to accept your students’ decision to “go their own way.”  Perhaps you assume that because of their youth, “they either don’t understand or are oblivious to the life that you believe is waiting for them. 

Such thoughts can be condescending and patronizing as these do not acknowledge or respect  the freedom of your students to experience life on their own and to learn the lessons these experiences provide. You can lead those horses to the water, but you cannot make them drink it.

Or, you can leave the horse at the watering hole and allow it to figure it out, or not.  It may sound cruel or heartless to suggest that upon seeing a person walking towards what you believe is impending disaster, not to intervene.  However, you do not have the same vantage point or perspective as the person you are trying to help. After repeatedly “saving” that person from himself and they still insist on their previous course of action….is it your role to continue to step in their way?  The answer is no. Like you, those individuals have the freedom to make their own choices about their lives, whether those choices benefit them or not.

“Live the life you want or continue to live the live you have.  You must decide.  You cannot do them both.”
-Dr. Micheal Kane

Young Man, regarding being frustrated and disappointed in Steven regarding his decision to smoke cannabis during lunch and return artwares to class, consider the following questions:

• Was Steven forced to smoke cannabis or did he exercise free will in his decision?
• How are you personally impacted by Steven’s decision and actions?
• Most importantly, what did you learn about yourself in relation to Steven’s actions?

As you ponder your responses to these questions, consider the Five Elements in Walking the Landscape:

• Choices– there are choices at the crossroads affronting the individual as to the direction one will take.
• Decisions– must be made. It is one path or the other. One cannot go in two different directions at the same time.
• Consequences– are the responses to the decisions one has made and what one does or does not …do.
• Lessons Learned– bring experience, wisdom or …they don’t.
• Transformation is the desired outcome here; permanency and empowerment are the objectives we seek from the choices and decisions made at the crossroads.

When examining the model, we can realistically understand and accept the following:

• Steven has free will and made the decision to smoke cannabis
• Consequently, by his actions he was observed by you being high returning to class
• Steven’s ability to be successful in learning has now been impacted by his behavior and actions.
• Now you, as the teaching intern, must decide whether you are going to move forth with staking your credibility on Steven’s judgment and choices by writing a letter of recommendation to your college’s dean, or accept that, based on Steven’s actions, he is not ready to proceed with your help.

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The Shakiness of the Captain/Savior Complex-The Soft Pillow Landing

Young Man, by taking personal offense to Steven’s decisions and actions, you create an imbalance between your thoughts and feelings that impacts how you see Steven and how you see yourself.  You seek to save him from a life that he may in fact prefer and enjoy, regardless of the challenges he may face. Furthermore, you seek to protect him from learning about and appreciating his biggest adversary and his biggest ally in life: himself.  You want to offer him something that clearly is beyond your scope: safety and security in a land that is inherently hostile to him as a young black man.   

Young Man, stop seeking to be another Mr. Bates. Mr. Bates did not rescue you from yourself.  He instead provided you with the knowledge of and opportunity to enter a world that was not previously accessible to you.  Through his mentorship, he helped you clearly see the choices before you and helped you make a decision that transformed the trajectory of your life. While Mr. Bates gave you guidance and information, you were the one who had the wisdom to utilize that knowledge to make the right choices for yourself.  If you chose to go in a different direction, Mr. Bates would have had to let you go your own way, just as you must want to let Steven go his own way.

Young men like Steven have the right to accept or reject your counsel, wisdom, or direction.  They have the right to decide their own fate even if it leads directly to the adversity that you see ahead. The soft pillow landing you seek to provide for Steven actually belongs to you.  Steven tossing the pillow back to you is not a rejection of you.  It is a statement of his autonomy, and even if you disagree with it, it is his decision to make and for you to respect.

Young Man, am I suggesting that you give up on our young people? Or sit idly by and watch them fail whereas you know that they have the capacity to be successful? No, of course not.  I am suggesting that you stop being the Captain/Savior of the community and instead, be a symbol, a role model, and an example of what your students can be. Celebrate the students who take advantage of the knowledge and education that you can offer to them. 

In the example of the STEM event, focus on the 7 young students who attended. They are the ones who are interested, committed to education, and want to attend a four-year university, not the people who did not attend.   Be the beacon who lights their way on their journey as they follow their interests, encouraging and extending empowerment and hope to them.  Be the sources of support, resources, positive esteem and self-regard.  Do for those students what Mr. Bates did for you!

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Black History Month & the Silence of the School Administration and Faculty

Recently, I met with a former corrections supervisor now retired after 30+ years working in penal institutions.  In acknowledging the school to prison pipeline, he stated that as a corrections professional, he had a job to do, and he did his best to be fair and implement the policies of the institution fairly, while offering mentorship and support. Some of the young Black males listened and readily sought him out, where others just did their time or dealt with the consequences of their actions.  Those who want help will seek it out and those who don’t won’t.

American schools and prisons share common characteristics, particularly the lack of emotional and societal maturity existing in both places and the onus placed on students and inmates respectively to seek assistance for themselves if they desire it.  In schools, just like penal institutions, once black students and inmates leave the institution, it is unlikely that they will return to the communities in which their White teachers and jailers live and work. 

For some teachers, teaching is a calling and a passion and like many in the corrections system, it is a means of providing income and supporting their families and nothing more.  While it is important for you and others of your community to celebrate and encourage Black achievement, do not assume that others feel the same way or are committed to the cause like you are.  Many protests and other forms of social action were organized and deployed by high school students in the Civil Rights Movement and activities following into the 1970s.  Nothing prevents modern students today from mobilizing and continuing those efforts.  

“Ducks quack and complain while eagles soar high and above.  So, soar like an eagle and stop quacking like a duck.” – Dr. Wayne Dyer

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Concluding Words- Dr. Kane

My Dear Young Man,

It is alarming that your school may be graduating students who perform lower than their grade level. It is alarming that these students will be sent into the world unprepared and potentially fall prey to a system that would be happy to incarcerate and institutionalize them.

As you come to the end of the academic term and attend graduation exercises, be prepared for the sights you will see: Black parents who you may have never seen at parent-teacher conferences or who have not responded to your emails and phone calls, proud that their children are obtaining pieces of paper that simply pass them out of high school into whatever future they may pursue. You may note that these students do not have the skills to either obtain an entry-level job or be competitive enough to enter a four-year college. The school superintendent will give speeches, the teachers, parents, and students will be smiling, and the prison pipeline will be preparing for the arrival and welcoming of new attendees.

The decision to continue your teaching career or transition to Corporate America and the high-tech industry is a decision that only you can make.  Your commitment to your community is obviously very important to you, so you must remember to balance your personal desires and wants with the needs of your community, while being careful not to sacrifice yourself for that community. Be aware that your community will continue to struggle with the imbalance resulting from more than 403 years and counting of oppression and will always be pressuring you to service. You must prioritize yourself above the needs of the community, lest you find yourself unable to help because you have nothing left to give.  

To be of assistance, mentorship, and service to others, you must first want to be an advocate for self, working toward being balanced emotionally and psychologically and achieving calmness in a world that will at times aggressively come at you because you are a black man. In my 35 years of clinical experience in trauma and psychological impacts, I have identified 17 subtypes of psychological traumas and 15 forms of racism that impact African Americans daily. Consequently, faced with daily battles in the workplace, the stress of constant vigilance during daily activities and interaction with white people and other people of color, the larger African American community is ill-equipped to prepare its young people, particularly males, for the passive or open hostility that awaits them.

African Americans have histories of being psychologically impacted.  Trauma is permanent, meaning that traumatic impact never, ever goes away.  The objective is to learn how to live with trauma and not live in trauma. Learning to do this requires therapeutic intervention.  However, therapeutic intervention is more successful when it is enthusiastically sought, versus when it is viewed with contempt and suspicion.

As a clinician, I view African Americans in two groups that are targeted by those holding privilege:

• The Walking Dead and Wounded: those who are existing (barely alive) and surviving (day to day) and,
• The Living: those seeking to drive (being empowered), strive (setting the pace and direction) and thrive (achieving goals and objectives).

The system started in 1619 following the first slaves arriving in America with the creation of “slave catchers,” the ancestors of today’s modern police. This is set up to maintain large numbers of African Americans in the Walking Dead category and control the access of those seeking success in the Living category. 

Whether you continue teaching or move into technology walking your landscape successfully would suggest ongoing therapeutic involvement to achieve and balance emotional and psychological wellness. Learn from your elders, as to what has happened to them in their lives.  Ask yourself the following questions:

• Do I want more? Or will I continue to settle for less?
• Do I want to live the life I want? Or do I continue to live the life I now live?
• In walking my landscape, not that of my family or my community, how do I walk my landscape smarter and not harder?

Best wishes on your journey of self-discovery!

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“Some people will never like you because your spirit irritates their demons.”

-Denzel Washington, Actor & Academy Award Winner

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“As much as I love you,

I love me more.

Loving me more,

Does not mean,

I love you less.

It simply means

I love me more.

More.”

-Dr. Micheal Kane

Until the next crossroads….. the journey continues…

At the Crossroads: Black Faces Wearing Masks: The Choice of Living or Dying

“Social Distancing? That’s okay now?  Really? Hmm.  The reality of the African American experience is the dominant group has been practicing social distancing towards black people for more than 400 years.  This is measured by 12 various forms of racism and 14 subtypes of traumas we have been forced to endure”.

– Micheal Kane Psy.D ,Clinical Traumatologist

“I am going to cough on you (white man) and risk it. I am not wearing a mask.”

– Anonymous

“It is risk vs. gain; when I walk into stores, I get followed and I am wearing a suit.  White people look at me with suspicion because I am a black man.  And now you suggest I should wear a mask?  Dr. Kane, have you lost your fucking mind?”

– Anonymous

 

The same people who are looking at me crazy without a mask are looking at me crazy with a mask.”

– Anonymous

 

“Not wearing a mask is advocacy for me.”

 – Anonymous

 

“It is an individual choice.  We have individual experiences. If I choice not to wear a mask, that’s my business.”

– Anonymous

 

My Dear Readers,

As you know we are in the midst of a world-wide pandemic which, as of this morning, has resulted in 1,184,332 million Americans contracting COVID-19 and 68,465 of them tragically losing their lives.

Regretfully, I have been unable to publish blogs during the past two months because my focus has been on outpatient care 10-12 hours a day 6 days per week.  I have sought to provide psychotherapy from my home via telephone or video while following the shelter-in-place mandate issued by the governor of my state, Washington.

It is essential that we continue to work together to “flatten the curve” of this dreaded disease. To limit how quickly the disease spreads so that we do not overwhelm the hospitals providing critical care to the sickest among us. We can do this by following the mandated shelter-in-place orders and social distancing guidelines.

The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) recommends wearing cloth face coverings in public settings where other social distancing measures are difficult to maintain such as in grocery stores and pharmacies, especially in areas of significant community-based transmission.

The CDC guidelines also advises the use of simple cloth face coverings to slow the spread of the virus and help people who may have the virus and do not know it from transmitting it to others.  Cloth face coverings fashioned from household items or made at home from common materials at low cost can be used as an additional, voluntary public health measure.

It is not uncommon to see or hear on the news or in commercials statements like:

• We are in this together.
• Together we are unstoppable.
• Help our communities come back, together.
• We will get through this together.

Wait a minute?  Hmm.  We are in this mess, this health crisis together?  So, let me get this right… the dominant group is now saying it is okay for black folks to walk into a bank, a store or anywhere wearing masks?

It is simply “wonderful” for the dominant group on the advice of the CDC to allow black and brown people to be treated like hmm… themselves, like white people.  Does this mean racism, stereotyping and discrimination is now over, and black, brown and white people can join hands together, run down the streets singing Kumbaya?!?

Nope…shucks now, that’s about as crazy as a major world leader suggesting that we inject disinfectants in our veins as a cure for COVID-19.  And of course, no one is crazy or stupid enough to suggest that.

There are three essential concerns with the concept of the “We are all in this together” mantra as well as the dominant group giving permission to black and brown people to openly wear masks in public settings:

• The dominant group has not terminated feelings or actions of racism, stereotyping and discrimination towards black and brown people.
• The dominant group failed to discuss the issue with black and brown people or take into consideration the psychological impacts of wearing masks in public settings.
• The level of suspicion and distrust black and brown people have towards the dominant group concerning “We are all in this together” in the past.

The quotes at the beginning of this blog, were all comments made by patients during individual psychotherapy sessions.  The common threads, they were all black, angry and male. To the dominant group, they represent every single one their immediate fears. That these men are ABC, Angry, Black and out of Control.

 

“Let us in! Let us in tyrants! Get the rope!” Protest During COVID-19

Historically the dominant group, due to its fear of black males, either completely ignored or encouraged the use of harsh tactics to control this group while applying a light, sensitive and non-violent approach to policing their own communities. Recent media attention has shown tolerant, patient and non-violent tactics used when members of the dominant group joined with angry masked white males from white militia groups entered state capitol buildings for the purpose of interrupting legislative sessions.

Although fearful of these loud and angry protesters, many armed and masked, legislators seem either helpless, frightened or unable to intervene; one Michigan legislator stated

“Some of my colleagues who own bullet proof vests are wearing them.  I have never appreciated our Sergeants-at-Arms more than today.”

It is under the guise of the Second Amendment, these masked and angry individuals can “open carry weapons without interference of law enforcement”. Yet it is, the visual of a black man wearing a “hoodie” that brings the eyes of suspicion, and possible interaction with law enforcement.

The speakers of the opening quotes could be judged as “irresponsible” but, how does one judge the fitting of shoes that one has not worn? Below is the story of one such writer whose reaction to wearing a mask is anger and how he has allowed his reaction of anger to be his response.

Dear Dr. Kane,

At one time I had a lot of respect for you. But now I feel betrayed in having believed in you.  You want me, a black man to walk into the grocery store or a bank wearing a mask?

Negro, you have lost your fucking mind.  Are you in collusion with them now?  Are they paying you to say this stupid shit?  Have you forgotten what it is to be a black man in America?  Wearing a mask?  Do you want me to get killed?

And what about po-po…the police? Do you think they are going to stop hassling black men?  Did you see what happened to that black doctor in Florida who was handcuffed in front of his own home, in front of his family? Was he wearing a mask?

Oh, I get it.  We are all in this mess together.  Translation… they need me to save their ass.  I was in the store the other day and while standing in line this white woman snipped at me “you’re not wearing a mask”.  It took all the power in me not to curse her out.

No one else say anything however she felt she could use her white privilege and power to intimidate me.  I looked at her, like she was nothing.  I smiled, got my groceries and left. I got the power now.  I, not white people, will determine if I will wear a mask and I’m not wearing one.

I don’t know if I am going to keep seeing you.  I don’t know if I can trust you.  You are beginning to sound like a sellout…  I’ll think it over.

Doing it my way

Seattle, WA

 

My Dear Young Man,

Sellout? Really? I get it.  I really do understand.  Take a breath. Your anger towards me is misdirected. Work with listening to me as I too am listening to your words and your pain.  You are speaking from your experiences which are steeped in trauma.

As a black man who is constantly being judged, profiled or viewed with suspicion simply because of the color of your brown or black skin, you are now incensed that you are being directed by the same group that fears you, to wear a mask for “your protection.”

It is your right, given how you have been viewed, received and/or treated to be angry.  However in your writing, you have allowed your reaction of anger to be communicated as your response and in doing so, you are at risk of once again being stereotyped as the ABC, the angry black, out of control man and having your views subsequently dismissed.

I too share your fears.  I too am apprehensive about walking into a bank wearing a mask.  The difference between you and I are you live in your fear and I want to live with my fear.

Second, rather than share my anger with people who live in their fear of the color of my skin, I want to embrace my anger, because it is mine and mine alone, and share my response.

In sharing my response, I want to project a different form of ABC, one being assertive, balanced and on a foundation of calmness.

As it is important for others, may they be members of the African American community or of the dominant group, to understand the foundation of your anger, it is also important for you to understand the empowerment you have in choosing to wear or not wear the mask.

I will begin by exploring data regarding the impact of COVID-19 on African American communities, the psychological impacts of wearing masks; ongoing police abuses during the public health crisis and the perceptions, conscious and unconscious attitudes of the dominant group towards African Americans, particularly males wearing masks in public settings.

The Impact of COVID-19 on the African American Community Nationwide

Public policy experts stated that the African American community’s “… disproportionate impact appears to be attributable to preexisting conditions- high blood pressure, heart disease, diabetes and inadequate access to health care- making African Americans more vulnerable to the disease”.

In a recent CDC report, small-scale sampling revealed that African Americans made up 33% of hospitalized coronavirus while African American COVID-19 deaths were:

• Milwaukee – Although 30% of the population, African Americans are 70% of the deaths
• Chicago – Although 30% of the population, African Americans are 69 % of the deaths
• Louisiana – Although 32% of the population, African Americans are 70% of the deaths
• New York City – Although 22% of the population, African Americans are 28% of the deaths
• African Americans account for 14.2% of the 241 million people who live in areas ravaged by the virus. This encompasses 24 states and the cities of Washington D.C., Houston, Memphis, Pittsburgh and Philadelphia

Masks: Traumatic Impact on Black & Brown People

“Two black men were kicked out of Wal-Mart, escorted out by a cop who had his hand on his gun…FOR WEARING MASKS TO PROTECT THEMSELVES. Are you kidding me?”

Black and brown people in the United States, on a daily basis, can endure up to 14 sub-types of traumas and 12 forms of racism.  While the CDC and public health experts nationwide have recommended and supported the wearing of masks in public settings, there was never any mention or acknowledgment of what such recommendations would mean or how such can have traumatic impacts on the African American community nationwide.

One such impact occurred on April 7^th, 2020 in the Wal-Mart store in Wood River, Illinois, a suburb of Chicago.   In this incident, two young African American men were captured on video being escorted out of the store due to their refusal to remove protective masks from their faces.

In the video, which has been viewed over 122, 000 times on Twitter, a black man with a mask on is being seen with a police officer walking behind him, gripping his holster and gun.  During a media interview, one of the males stated:

“This officer right here behind us.  Just followed us in the store. He followed us from outside, told us that we cannot wear masks,” the man says to the camera, “There’s a presidential order.  There is a state order, and he’s following us outside the store.  We are being asked to leave for staying safe.”

Wood River Police Chief Brad Wells said that he was reluctant to make a statement about the incident.  He states:

“There’s not much I can say.  I backed the officer by what he tells me.  Just like anything, there is more to the story.”

 

Police Misconduct During COVID-19

 “Police just being Police”

(Privileged Statement made by white person)

On April 10^th, 2020. Dr. Armen Henderson, an internal medicine physician with the University of Miami Health System, while wearing a protective mask was stopped by the police, questioned and handcuffed outside his home.  He had been on his way to hand out tents to homeless people in the city.

Seen placing the tents in his van, the officer asked him what he was doing and if he was littering.  Henderson replied he lived at the residence where his vehicle was parked.  Not satisfied with the answer, the officer handcuffed him in front of his wife and child.

He was released from the handcuffs only after his wife, in duress, rushed into the residence to show identification. Police Chief Jorge Colina acknowledged concerns and stated commitment to investigate the incident.

“It was really humiliating. Situations like this have escalated into black men being shot all across the country.”

– Armen Henderson

It is incidents like these that underscore the foundation of the distrust black communities have towards law enforcement.  According to a recent study (2016) by the Pew Research Center, only a third of blacks say local police do either an excellent or good job in using appropriate force on suspects.

Ted Miller, an economist who led the study, found that black people were more likely to be stopped by police.  He added the following comments:

“If you are black, you are significantly more likely to be arrested if they stop you. They are quick to point a finger without listening. And they’re quick to, because of racial prejudice, feel threatened in ways that make them behave inappropriately.”

Health Disparities and the Impact of COVID-19: “WE ARE ALL IN THIS TOGETHER”.

“30-year old teacher dies of coronavirus after her symptoms were dismissed as a panic attack.”

Rana Zoe Mungin, a 30-year-old African American social studies teacher at Ascend Charter School in Brooklyn, New York died on April 27^th, 2020 of coronavirus. Despite having a fever and shortness of breath as well as two preexisting conditions (asthma and hypertension) that put her in the high risk of developing a severe case of the virus, she was turned away from emergency rooms twice, after receiving a diagnosis of panic attack from a medical provider.

Rana’s sister, Mia, a registered nurse fought for her to receive treatment.  Mia stated

“The provider stated she was having a panic attack.  She kept saying, “I can’t breathe.” Rana Zoe was finally admitted to Brookdale Hospital on March 20^th, five days after her first attempt to get treated or tested for COVID-19. She was immediately placed on a ventilator.

Mia was informed that Rana was a good candidate for Remdesivir, a drug under clinical trials as a possible COVID-19 treatment, however it was found that she was not eligible.  Mia began a campaign to get her sister included in the trial.  This campaign eventually reached the level of her senator from New York and Senate Minority Leader Charles Schumer, who appealed to the US Food and Drug Administration.  However, Rana Zoe was not added to the clinical trials and despite a valiant fight to live, she died less than a week after admission.

Regarding her sister’s medical treatment, Mia Mungin stated:

“Racism and health disparities still continue…. And the zip code in which we live still predetermine the type of care we receive.”

“When all of this is over – and as we said, it will end, we will get over coronavirus – but there will still be health disparities which we really need to address in the African American community,”

– Anthony Fauci, MD, Director National Institute of Allergies & Infectious Disease

Concluding Words – Dr. Kane

My Dear Young Man,

As I have said earlier, it is your right, given how you have been viewed, received and/or treated to be angry. As a man moving among those who are fearful, not of what I have done but fearful of my skin color, I too feel vulnerable and apprehensive about wearing a mask in public settings. Although I share your concerns there are three essential differences:

• You are making life-determining decisions purely based on emotions whereas I seek to want to make those decisions being balanced in my thoughts and feelings.

• You seek to use your “power” in saying no to deny them your cooperation in wearing the mask. In doing so you continue to wrestle with the dominant group over control.  A fight that has been occurring for over 400 years since the black man arrived here in chains.

Unlike you, I want to be empowered.  My empowerment lies within me and can never be taken away.  I seek to stand alone, empowered, whereas your anger will “ride and die” with those who feel as you do.

• Your anger traps you into being a survivor and forces you to live out your days in fear. I want to walk the landscape, with thirst for living and in doing so live with fear and not live in fear.

Am I under the belief that “We are in this together”?  Nope, along with four hundred years of history, there is a quote from the writer/philosopher George Santayana:

“Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it.”

Take this opportunity to engage in the Five R’s of RELIEF: Respite, Reaction, Reflection, Response and Reevaluation, and you may come to a similar conclusion:

• The dominant group is tossing billions of dollars towards developing a vaccine and there IS NO SUCH Vaccine in sight or on the horizon
• The fear that the dominant group has regarding African American males is superseded by their fear of COVID-19, which has in three months killed more Americans than the total deaths of American soldiers killed during the Vietnam War.

Law Enforcement During COVID-19

“Police officers are sworn to protect and serve, and when that oath is taken for granted and an abuse of power is evident, we will hold them accountable to the fullest extent of the law.”

– Marilyn Mosby, Baltimore State’s Attorney

Regarding the incident at Wal-Mart where video shows a police officer gripping his holster and weapon while escorting two black men out of the store for wearing masks to protect themselves during the coronavirus health crisis, Wood River Police Chief Brad Wells said:

“There’s not much I can say.  I backed the officer by what he tells me.  Just like anything, there is more to the story.”

Despite the statements leading to togetherness during this public health crisis, causal racism reinforces the concept in which the dominant group is more likely to receive community policing (service) whereas the African American community, because of the fear of others, receives law enforcement (control).

Casual racism is defined as a society’s or an individual’s lack of regard for the impact of their racist actions on others. Casual racism is subtlety packaged white fear of black skin and it is an inherently dangerous form of racism.

Casual racism has become more insidious as of late. It has become expressed through white comfort and discomfort. It combines micro-aggressions (statements, actions or incidents) and macro-aggressions (threats of physical force, law enforcement) with modern racism (beliefs and attitudes) to form aversive racism (persistent avoidance of) interactions with African Americans.

Yes, my dear young man, the choice is yours; wear a mask or do not wear a mask.  You and I are similar to the two young black men in Wal-Mart and the black doctor handcuffed at home in front of his wife and child, despite the images being displayed of “Kumbaya” or “We are in this together”… Be assured and stay alive by understanding you are alone.

The differences in the two police chiefs’ responses are noteworthy.  In the Wal-Mart situation, although there is video that was viewed over 122,000 times resulting in a “public outcry” of police misconduct, the two black males are “nobodies” and therefore invisible allowing the police chief to say,  “There’s not much I can say.  I backed the officer by what he tells me.”

In the Miami incident, the black male is a physician at a prestigious hospital and therefore he is a “somebody” and therefore “visible”.  As a result, an “official” investigation will be conducted, apologies made and assurances (once again) given to stop such poor conduct with the communities “we protect and serve.”

The outcomes in both situations are the same, black men were racially profiled, traumatized and publicly humiliated as a lesson for all African American males to remember what will happen when the dominant group becomes uncomfortable or fear that “those people” are getting “out of control”.

“Me wearing a mask gives them the ability to harm me. I am not going to apologize for being me and living a life that I did not create.  These people don’t want me to wear a mask to protect myself from the virus, they want protect themselves from me.”

– Anonymous

 

Smiling faces sometimes pretend to be your friend.

Smiling faces show no traces of the evil that lurks within.

Smiling faces, smiling faces, sometimes they don’t tell the truth.

Smiling faces, smiling faces tell lies and I got proof.

The truth is in the eye ’cause the eyes don’t lie, amen.

Remember, a smile is just a frown turned upside down my friend.

So, hear me when I’m saying

Smiling faces, Smiling Faces, sometimes they don’t tell the truth.

Smiling faces, smiling faces tell lies and I got proof.

Beware. Beware of the handshake that hides the snake,

I’m tellin’ you beware of the pat on the back it just might hold you back.

Jealousy, (Jealousy) misery, (misery) envy.

I tell you you can’t see behind

Smiling faces, Smiling Faces, sometimes they don’t tell the truth.

Smiling faces, smiling faces tell lies and I got proof.

Your enemy won’t do you no harm, ’cause you’ll know where he’s comin’ from;

don’t let the handshake and the smile fool ya.

Take my advice I’m only tryin’ to school ya.

Smiling faces, smiling faces, sometimes they don’t tell the truth.

“Smiling Faces Sometimes” – The Temptations (Sky’s the Limit, April 22, 1971)

*Re-recorded by The Undisputed Truth (The Undisputed Truth, May 13, 1971)

 

Until the next crossroads….. the journey continues

The Perfect Storm, Part II: All That Is Forgotten, We Remember

“You niggers are wondering how you are going to be treated after the war.  Well, I’ll tell you, you are going to be treated exactly like you are before the war; this s a white man’s country and we expect to rule it.”

-White New Orleans city official, speaking to returning war veterans and African-Americans raising money for the war effort

“As an individual, the Negro is docile, tractable, lighthearted, carefree and good-natured.  If unjustly treated, he is likely to become surly and stubborn.  He is careless, shiftless, irresponsible and secretive.  He is immoral, untruthful, and his sense of right doing relatively inferior.  Crimes and convictions involving moral turpitude are nearly five to one compared to convictions of whites on similar charges.”

-Army War College Report (1936)

 “Men, you are the first Negro tankers to ever fight in the American Army. I would never had asked for you if you weren’t good.  I have nothing but the best in my army. I don’t care what color you are, as long as you go up there and kill those Kraut sonsabitches.  Everyone has their eyes on you and is expecting great things from you.   Most of all, your race is looking forward to your success.  Don’t let them down, and damn you, don’t let me down.”

-General George Patton, to the 761^st, a segregated black tank battalion, before going into battle.  However, that same afternoon, Patton wrote in his diary:

“The 761^st gave a good impression, but I have no faith in the inherent fighting ability of the race.”

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My Dear Readers,

In my last blog The Perfect Storm: Power, Privilege, & Fear of Black Skin, I defined the phrase “sleight of hand” as the deceitful craftiness of a cleverly executed trick where the movements of the trickster are barely noticeable.  Within that context, I defined the trickster as the dominant group hiding in the shadows in silence while their anger, rage, and distrust is being misdirected towards African Americans via their assigned agents: the police.

2019 marks a significant time in my life. In early spring, I returned to France and retraced the steps of African American troops fighting in WWI.  This summer, I went to the home of my ancestors, visiting Ghana, West Africa and stood at the “Door of No Return” at Elmira Castle, through which millions of kidnapped Africans disappeared, either becoming slaves in the New World, or dying on the way.

I write now from Berlin, Germany, where I have been researching the contributions made by African American troops during WWII.  Psychological trauma arising from isolation, segregation, and abandonment are common themes that I have found in the experiences of African Americans fighting in segregated units on behalf of democratic principles denied to them at home.

During WWI, African American soldiers were not allowed to wear American uniforms or fight under the American flag. Instead, they had to fight under the   French flag, and all of their supplies, weaponry, and uniforms were provided by the French government.

American General John J. Pershing wrote in his memoirs that he “lent” the two African American divisions to the French and simply forgot about them until after the war.  However, Colonel William Hayward, the White commander of the 369^th Harlem Hellfighters black regiment, states differently:

“Our great American general singly put the black orphan in a basket, set it on the doorstep of the French, pulled the bell, and went away.”

The two segregated combat divisions had to rely on the French for ground support, artillery barrages and air coverage.   They served with distinction, suffering a 35% casualty rate.  The 369^th represented only 1% of the American forces in France, but held 20% of the front lines.  These soldiers were among the first of Allied troops to cross over into Germany.  Well respected by the French military, they received 180 individual awards of the highest French decoration, the Croix de Guerre.

Although the French gave its highest award for gallantry to African American soldiers on numerous occasions, no African American WWI soldiers were awarded the highest American award, the Congressional Medal of Honor.  Instead, African American soldiers were forbidden to participate in the victory parade in Paris, and they were quickly shipped home to be forgotten.

It was not until the administration of President George H.W. Bush, 72 years later, that racial bias against African American soldiers who served during WWI was even acknowledged.  An African American soldier, Corporal Freddie Stowers, was posthumously honored during the Bush Administration with the Congressional Medal of Honor.

 During WWII, the American government, having learned from the mistake of forcing African Americans to serve under a foreign flag, sought to maintain the concept of segregation within the military by assigning them as “attached units” to major white military units.  This allowed senior leaders to restrict the actions and activities of segregated units as well as to control or suppress the stories of their performance in war.

 

The Psychological Impact of Valor

The Congressional Medal of Honor is presented to Americans serving in the armed forces.  This award, created during the Civil War, is the highest military decoration that can be awarded.  The recipient must have distinguished themselves at the risk of their own life above and beyond the call of duty in action against an enemy of the United States or an opposing foreign force. Due to the nature of the medal, it is commonly presented posthumously.

By the end of WWII, 464 Congressional Medals of Honor had been awarded to Americans serving in armed forces.  Of these, none were presented to African Americans.  You can see the “sleight of hand” in the underlying message that is simultaneously sent to and informed by the dominant group’s stereotypical beliefs about African Americans:

• They did not serve in combat roles or if they did, they did not contribute in combat.
• They were not trusted by whites to fight in combat roles.
• They were either cowards or psychologically unfit to be trusted in combat roles.

 

Sleight of Hand Trick-The Denial of Heroes

 Despite the information regarding the combat readiness and performance of African American troops serving under the French military during WWI, the American military during WWII took the following view:

• African Americans were inferior in intelligence and unsuited for military service.
• African Americans were emotionally unstable and vulnerable to cowardice and therefore unsuited for combat duty.
• If African Americans were to be utilized for military service, they should be placed in labor, support or service positions.

The US government, the military, the mainstream media of the day, and the entertainment industry all avoided, ignored, and denied the truth regarding the combat contributions of African Americans.  There have been numerous news stories and movies that have featured stories about the American landings at Normandy, France and the heroics of American combat forces during the Battle of the Bulge in Belgium.  Despite the fact that segregated African American units also fought in these major engagements, there is minimal or no mention of their contributions.

The only movie released about the segregated African American WWII units was Red Ball Express, released in 1952. The movie tells the story of an African American  segregated unit delivering much needed supplies to support Patton’s quickly moving Third Army racing towards Germany.  The movie is told through the eyes of a white officer (Jeff Chandler) with minor supporting roles given to black actors.

The story of the real Red Ball Express is an important one, as it tells of the contributions of African Americans during a critical time of the war.  However, here is a sample of the “sleight of hand trick” at work.  This unit operated 5,958 vehicles carrying 12,500 tons of supplies per day for 83 days.  As important as it was, the movie reinforces the stereotype that the only contributions of African Americans in the war was in labor, support or service positions, disregarding African Americans serving in segregated combat units.

 

So what is known about African-Americans serving in segregated combat units?

 There were many segregated African American combat units serving in the Europe and the Pacific during WWII.  In addition to the Tuskegee Airmen, others include:

• The USS Mason—A US Navy destroyer that whose crew achieved the distinction of escorting six major conveys across the Atlantic without losing a single ship.
• The 4^th Marine Division (Black Leathernecks)-a Marine Corps unit that suffered severe casualties fighting the Japanese on Saipan, earning a Presidential Distinguished Unit Citation
• The 761^st Tank Battalion—a US Army battalion quoted by its commanding general George Patton as having “no faith in the inherent fighting ability of the race.” The 761^st Tank Battalion was in continuous combat from October 31, 1944 to May 6, 1945.  During that time they captured or destroyed 331 machine gun nests, 58 pillboxes and 461 armored vehicles.  In addition, they killed 6,246 enemy soldiers and captured 15,818 prisoners.  They liberated thirty towns and villages and two branch concentration camps.

The 761^st Tank Battalion suffered a casualty rate of 50%.  Members of the battalion received the following decorations:

• 296 Purple Hearts
• 8 battlefield commissions
• 11 Silver Stars
• 70 Bronze Stars

 

The Silencing & Denial of Heroism

The commanding officer of the 761st Tank Battalion requested that the unit and one of its members who was killed in battle be awarded the country’s highest honors, the Distinguished Unit citation and the Congressional Medal of Honor.  General Patton, commander of the Third Army, and General Eisenhower, the Supreme Allied commander who would later become the 34^th President of the United States, denied both requests.

It was not until 32 years later, during the administration of Jimmy Carter, that the 761^st Tank Battalion received the Presidential Distinguished Unit Citation for Extraordinary Heroism.  It was 53 years later during the administration of Bill Clinton that Staff Sergeant Rubin Robinson Rivers of the 761^st was awarded the Congressional Medal of Honor for heroism and sacrificing his life to save his comrades.

 

In Service of Democracy: The Blindness of the Dominant Group

More than one million African American men served in segregated units during WWII.  Serving with distinction did not prevent them from being exposed to the racism and psychological trauma they faced when returning home.  Lieutenant Christopher Stureky, having won a battlefield commission and Silver Star during the war, shares the following experience:

“I stopped by an inexpensive store in uniform with combat ribbons and battle stars in full display. When I tried to order a hamburger, the white girl behind the counter said, “We don’t serve niggers in here.”

Following the war, African American veterans experienced numerous acts of violence stateside:

• Mobs in the South beat African American veterans who were still in uniform.
• In 1946 black veterans were lynched. One was shot and killed returning from voting.
• In rural Georgia, two veterans and their wives were dragged from their cars by a White mob and shot to death. Their bodies were found to contain more than 60 bullets.
• A WWII veteran was attacked by policemen in South Carolina and became blind as a result.
• African American veterans were denied entrance into veteran support organizations including the American Legion, Veterans of Foreign Wars and Disabled American Veterans.
• African-American veterans were denied access to GI home loans, educational institutions and postwar job training opportunities.

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Concluding Words-Dr. Kane

It is often stated that history is written by the victors.   In the case of African Americans, they are victims and it is left up to the dominant group, who hides in the shadows, supported by the military, print media and cinema makers to hide stories of their heroism and misdirect generations of African-Americans to believe those lies.

This Sleight of Hand Trick as this relates to African American veterans of WWII continues to unfold to this day.  In 2020, I will return to Belgium to explore the story of the murders of 11 African American soldiers captured during the Battle of the Bulge.  This war crime was well known by American white military commanders but was not made public until recently. Even today, the story of The Lost Eleven remains unknown to the majority of the African American community.

The Sleight of Hand Trick when done successfully can have traumatic and psychological long-term impacts.  As shown during WWI and WWII it was used to reinforce racial oppression and the forced subordination of African Americans while seeking to hold power, exercise privilege and exploit the fear of those who skin is dark, and is easily identified, increasing instances of psychological distress and physical harm.

DEDICATION

To the many African-American men who have come and gone before us, I say thank you. To the men of today, the struggle against racism, oppression and discriminatory treatment continues. Despite all adversity and all that has been thrown at us, we are still standing. Death awaits us all. However, while we are here, we can either stand as men or live on our knees. If we chose to stand as men, our FAITH will see us through.

-Dr. Micheal Kane

Until the next crossroads….. The Journey continues ..

The Perfect Storm: Power, Privilege, and Fear of Black Skin

“People understand officers have tough jobs and have to make snap decisions… but at the same time, they realize, we realize, that there are some officers who will occasionally use very poor judgment, violate policies and procedures and do things that are egregiously wrong.  We want to be able to stop that.”

-Fernando Costa, Assistant City Manager, Fort Worth Texas

 

“There was absolutely no excuse for this incident and the person responsible will be held accountable.  The officers, they try hard every day to try to make this city better.  I likened it to a bunch of ants building an anthill, and if somebody comes with a hose and washes it away, they just have to start from scratch.”

-Fort Worth Interim Police Chief Kraus making an emotional appeal to the public not to judge all the officers in the department based on one officer’s actions.

 

“Black people are being targeted. With every death by cop, there is the “usual dance” of public outcry, an official investigation, an individual officer tossed under the bus by their police department, a lawsuit, and eventually a financial settlement. But nothing ever really changes. In a few months we’ll be right back where we started with another life lost.”

-Dr. Micheal Kane Psy.D. Clinical Traumatologist & Forensic Evaluator

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My Dear Beloved Readers,

I have missed you so much!

During my hiatus, I returned to Paris, France to do research on the psychological traumas inflicted on African-American soldiers during World War I by the American government, including fighting in segregated units, not being allowed to wear American uniforms and being forced to fight under the French flag.

I also had the pleasure of teaching two workshops at the Year of the Return Conference in Accra, Ghana, West Africa.  While there, I visited the infamous “Door of No Return” at Elmina Castle, one of the many holding pits for African men, women and children captured by Europeans for the Trans- Atlantic Slave trade.

Nearly 12.5 million people were kidnapped and held in these castle dungeons along the western coast of Africa. When the time came, they were made to exit through these “Doors of No Return” and taken aboard ships bound for unknown places in the New World. I was psychologically impacted by what I saw and felt as I stood frozen, clutching the “Door of No Return” with shaking hands.

However, I will give Elmina Castle the attention it deserves in a future blog. Today, I want to focus on the sleight of Hand trick that is being played upon us, right in front of our “lying” eyes. Below is a story of being duped without realizing you have been duped.

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Dear Dr. Kane,

As I write this letter to you, I am so angry.  I am a professional black man.  I am well educated.  I own my home.  I am sick and tired of the daily abuse I must take from white people.

Recently while riding the local transit to work, a young white male intentionally bumped me and begin calling me the N word several times while the bus was in transit. The passengers and bus driver, who were all white, sat silently.  I felt humiliated, angry and traumatized from the incident.

It is not uncommon for me to be followed by store staff while shopping or looked upon suspiciously even when walking in the office building that I have worked for the last ten years.  When I moved into the neighborhood, the only welcome I received was the police knocking on my door wanting proof that I lived there.

I have been questioned by neighborhood crime watchers and followed by the police. I am frightened about being shot and killed just for the error of being born black.  I now have a protocol when a police car pulls me over:  I immediately place my hands on the dashboard, ask for permission to move when needed, and I do not move until I ask permission to do so.

One cop asked me in a hostile tone why I don’t like cops.  When I told him it was not about not liking cops, rather about having fear of cops, he smiled, removed his hand from his holster, told me that I had “nothing to be afraid of,” and to “have a nice day”.  He never stated the reason he pulled me over.  I was simply in the “wrong” neighborhood, the one I live in.

Really? How am I supposed to have a nice day? Am I supposed to pretend that nothing happened?  When I tell my white coworkers about these incidents, they become quiet, seek to change the subject, or tell me that I am either overreacting or that I am too sensitive.  Some avoid me, seeing me as an “angry black man.”  One person had the nerve to tell me that she misses the “old” me.  I don’t smile anymore.

Now, there is that shooting of the black woman by a cop while she was peeking out the window blinds in her own home.  This is the second time cop has killed a black person in their home.  And this time, an eight-year-old child was present!

I am angry with white people for their ignorance, angry with black people for doing nothing about it, and I am scared of the police because they have the power to kill me and get away with it.  I don’t feel safe in my home, in my car, on the bus and out in the community.  I don’t know what to do.

I feel like lighting up the next white person that insults me.  I am considering obtaining a concealed arms permit.   My parents believe that what I am feeling is really related to today’s political climate and that this too will pass.  They disagree with me having a weapon either on me or in the house.  I have never spoken to a therapist before.  What are your thoughts?

Not a Sitting Duck,  Seattle WA

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My Dear Readers:

As I listen to this young man’s words, I see the makings of a perfect storm: he lacks power, he is frustrated by those who hold privileges that he does not, and he is reacting to those who fear black skin.  The question is whether he is about to erupt, or whether he is willing to seek the ability to have “calmness in a burning house.” I want to thank him for sharing the ongoing psychologically traumatic experiences he has been enduring.   Let’s take a moment and examine what this person is feeling as well as his response.

The writing is indicative of a person who feels powerless, frustrated and angry due to interactions with the police and being stereotyped and made “invisible” by the dominant society.  His responses are to “light up the next white person that insults him” and obtain a concealed weapons permit.

My dear readers, just imagine this scenario as a television game show.  If so, the dominant society would be shouting and applauding the host’s announcement:

“Congratulations!  You have, by your actions, have just won the grand prize known as the “Angry Black, Out of Control” Trophy. This “ABC” prize is often awarded to black people who demonstrate the inability to control their emotions.”

So, what have you won?

1. For carrying a concealed weapon (with a license) while interacting with the police. you have won a casket and the privilege of being escorted to your final resting place by six of your closest friends, your pallbearers.
2. For “lighting up” someone, you have won a beautiful set of jewelry (handcuffs), accommodations and meals (incarceration), opportunities to meet with local celebrities (attorney, prosecutor, judge), celebrity status (media coverage) and expensive exotic items (bail bonding, attorney/legal fees, court costs and costs for anger management courses).

Should “Not a Sitting Duck” take the actions stated?

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This is the trapdoor that many African Americans allow themselves to fall through. They allow their reactions to be the response and derail all of their own hard-fought victories and accomplishments.

The Crossroads: Playing the Game or Running the Race Smarter Not Harder

One of the takeaways I have from standing at the Door of No Return is the full understanding of the endurance and sacrifice of my ancestors.   Despite slavery, segregation, Jim Crow, domestic terrorism, and other horrors, they never gave up on life.  They became skilled in learning to play “Massa’s game,” and in doing so, were able to achieve success while others sought their destruction.

Not much since then has changed.  Despite economic, social and political achievements attained by African Americans over the last 400 years, we continue to be duped and manipulated by the dominant group.

Following the most recent police-involved shooting of Atatiana Jefferson in Fort Worth Texas, Eugene Robinson, columnist with the Washington Post, asked the following question:

“What can a black person do to keep from getting killed by police in this country?”

My response:

“Not a damn thing.”

What is wrong with me?  Has the doctor gone insane?

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Sleight of Hand and Our Lying Eyes

The phrase “sleight of hand” refers to the deceitful craftiness of a cleverly executed trick where the movements of the trickster are barely noticeable.  I believe the term is applicable here in that:

1. African Americans believe they have the “power” to stop the police from killing African Americans. As the African-American community speaks; it is organized in one voice, condemning the killing of individual African-Americans.
2. African Americans believe that the hierarchy of police department has the “power” to stop the individual police officer from killing African Americans.
3. African Americans believe that the dominant group will break their silence and act as a group and stop the killing of African Americans.

Let’s look at these individually.

  

1. African Americans believe they have the “power” to stop the police from killing African Americans. As the African American community speaks; it is organized in one voice, condemning the killing of individual African-Americans.

The African American community is not monolithic. It does not consider itself to be powerful, intractably indivisible, or uniform.  Its strength has been focusing on political and economic growth generally through education and social and personal accomplishments.  Its weakness has been a psychological survival mentality that is historical in nature and does not allow it to act proactively in either speaking in one voice or to protect its members from police involved shootings.

2. African Americans believe that the hierarchy of police department has the “power” to stop the individual police officer from killing African Americans.

There are more than 18,000 police departments throughout the United States.  There is an estimated 750,000 to 850,000 sworn or commissioned officers within 18,000 federal, state and law enforcement agencies in the US.  Due to the growing numbers of agencies, overlapping and conflicts in jurisdictions, there are inconsistencies in the following areas:

• Training & protocol
• Hiring & retention
• Mental health
• Financial resources/ budgetary concerns

In an earlier quote, Fernando Costa, Assistant City Manager, Fort Worth Texas stated:

“People understand officers have tough jobs and have to make snap decisions”…”But at the same time, they realize, we realize, that there are some officers who will occasionally use very poor judgment, violate policies and procedures and do things that are egregiously wrong.  We want to be able to stop that.”

Here is the sleight of hand trick in action:

Is he really stating to the public in general and African-Americans specifically that “occasionally,” an officer will take actions that will result in the injury or death of those the officer is sworn to protect and serve? If so, how does that relate to a person being shot and killed while peeking out one’s window blinds or because the officer mistakenly entered the wrong residence?

“We want to be able to stop that.” Is he saying what he needs to say to calm angry African Americans and nervous white constituents, or is he claiming that he doesn’t have the authority or ability to stop the killing of African Americans?

In restating Fort Worth Interim Police Chief Kraus’s emotional appeal to the public not to judge all the officers in the department based on one officer’s actions:

“There was absolutely no excuse for this incident and the person responsible will be held accountable.  The officers, they try hard every day to try to make this city better.  I likened it to a bunch of ants building an anthill, and if somebody comes with a hose and washes it away, they just have to start from scratch.”

By throwing the individual police officer involved in the shooting under the bus and seeking empathy and understanding, he is distancing himself and the overall department from responsibility!

3. African Americans believe that the dominant group will break their silence and act as a group and stop the killing of African Americans. 

My observations and feelings about have taught me to watch carefully the trickster’s hand.  The focus on the police officer involved in the shooting is misdirected.  The focus on the policing department and its civilian oversight is also misdirected.

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So…who should we focus on?  In essence, the silence of the dominant group.

The “fear of black skin” that often is a factor in police involved shootings of African Americans is generated and reinforced by the dominant group.  There is a non-verbal and binding understanding between the police and the dominant group which commissions its officers.  That being community protection for us (the dominant group) and enforce the law upon them (African Americans and other people of color.)

As a result, now and then an officer must be sacrificed so that the police department involved can rebuild trust or, as Interim Chief Krauss states, “rebuild the anthill.” Chief Krauss adds:

“Human life is a precious thing and should not have been taken from Ms. Jefferson,” Kraus told reporters. “This incident has eroded the trust that we have built with our community and we must now work even harder to ensure that trust is restored.”

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Concluding Remarks-Dr. Kane

Mr. Hale, a black resident of Fort Worth, when questioned whether during an emergency would he call the police, stated:

“It would have to be extreme to call.  It’s too much 50/50 in the air.  It’s not that I’m scared of the police, but you just don’t know who’re going to catch on the wrong day.”

My Dear Readers,

It is a sad truth that these comments are echoed throughout many African American communities in the United States.  Once again, African Americans are allowing themselves to be deceived by the sleight of hand trickery.  Specifically, by placing the focus on the police themselves, we give the dominant group, who grants the power that is given to the police, a free pass to continue operating in the shadows of the darkness.

So, what can a black person do to avoid being killed by the police?

For black people to stop being killed by the police, black and brown skin must be valued, validated and visualized in the same way by the same people who, like the police, fear black and brown skin.

For black people to stop being killed, white people must want to explore issues of racism, privilege and implicit bias. White people must want to begin working on healing (and stop ignoring) their psychological trauma of chronic moral injury syndrome.

White silence must end, and transformation must begin. Black people are being targeted and as in police involved shooting, there will be the usual dance of public outcry, an “official investigation,” an individual police officer tossed under the bus by the police department, a lawsuit, and a financial settlement.

We will see the same photos of grieving family, pallbearers and casket with the media escalating the story. And then there will be SILENCE…. until the next time.

Chronic moral injury syndrome, white supremacy, and fear of black and brown skin only insure that there will be… A next time.”

-Dr. Micheal Kane, Facebook post,  10.15.19

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What Is Winning?

Every Black person going to sleep is not going wake up

Life is walking the landscape

If I can make it through the night

And awake up in the morning

With my loved ones safe

I win.

-Dr. Micheal Kane

 

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“They don’t hear your voice.  They just see the color of your skin”

-The Revenant (2015)

 

“Here is what it is.  They don’t like you.  They don’t dislike you.  They are afraid of you.  You’re different.  Sooner or later difference scares people.”

-The Accountant (2016)

 

Interactions with Law Enforcement-The Five R’s of RELIEF

Take a Respite (Step away emotionally)

Embrace your Reactions (Hug your feelings)

Reflect (balance your feelings and thoughts)

Respond inwards (calm the inner self)

Reevaluate (actions and behaviors)

Until the next crossroads… The journey continues…

At The Crossroads: Psychological Bleeding and the Emotional Impact of White Fragility

“[White Fragility is] The discomfort and defensiveness on the part of a white person when confronted by information about racial inequality and injustice”

–Dr. Robin DiAngelo, White Fragility

“There isn’t any Negro problem; there is only a white problem.”

-Author Richard Wright, in response to a reporter’s question about the “Negro problem in America”

White Person: When I look at you, I don’t see race.

Black Person: Then you don’t see me.

White Person: I see a human being.

Black Person: Then you don’t see me.

White Person: We are all red under the skin.

Black Person: Then you don’t see me.

White Person: Why does race matter?

Black Person: Then you don’t see me.

White Person: I was taught everybody is the same.

Black Person: Then you don’t see me.

White Person: I am not a racist.

Black Person: Remember me? It’s about me.  You don’t see me.

-Scene from “Choosing To See or Not See”

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My Dear Readers,

I have missed you!  In November 2018, after 6 years of consistently blogging to a readership spanning six continents, I simply lost the passion for writing.  I intended to take a well-deserved rest from blogging and to consider what direction I would move forward within my own journey of self-discovery.

A lot of newsworthy situations have occurred since I ceased writing, among them the racial and political havoc in Virginia, my state of early childhood development, the Jussie Smollett case in Chicago, and the recent refusal of state prosecutors in California to file criminal charges in the Sacramento police shooting death of Stephon Clark.  So, what brings me out of hibernation to write to my beloved readership?

The usual suspects: love, fragility and most importantly…. Fear. I recently received a correspondence from a reader seeking to address the issue of “white fragility.”  Interestingly enough, this has become a hot topic within my clinical practice.

I recently had an interview with a prospective patient who sought ways to act such that white people would become comfortable with him.   He said that his white colleagues were uncomfortable around him because of his large frame and dark skin.  When I mentioned that the issue may not be simply about white fragility but also about his own internalized psychological demand and his unmet needs for acceptance, he quickly terminated the interview.

In another situation, an African-American male patient spoke of his pain when a white female coworker complained to the organization’s HR director regarding his greeting her every morning by saying “Good Morning” when he arrived at work.  The coworker’s complaint was that she did not know him, and it made her feel uncomfortable when he greeted her. The black patient was directed to abide by her request not to speak to this individual.

A “notation” of the formal meeting was being placed in his personnel file.  To ensure that this didn’t happen again, and to protect his employment, the male patient made it his standard policy not to greet white female coworkers unless they initiated the greeting. He was later criticized by his supervisor for his “unfriendly attitude” and warned that he may be negatively evaluated for creating a hostile work environment.

African-American males in predominantly white social situations often must walk a thin line between social courtesy and withdrawal.  These incidents are dangerous due to the consequences to professional reputations, employment status, and the looming risk of arrest for alleged criminal behavior.

This week, I respond to the concerns of an African-American male who is psychologically “bleeding” from the emotional impacts of “White Fragility.”

Here is his story…

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Dear Dr. Kane:

Why do white people feel so fragile and feel so reactive about feeling it?  Why do I have to acknowledge their fragility and make allowances for it?

Over the last few years, I have found myself in social gatherings with white people having to endure not only their fragility but also a lot of “innocent” (aka dumbass) questions like:

• “How do you know the host?” (Dumbass, the host is my wife and you are standing in my house.)
• “What do you think about the chances of [insert random local sports team here] making the playoffs?” (Dumbass, what makes you assume that I play sports?)
• And my favorite, “What do you think about Trump?” (Really Dumbass, your people elected him and you’re asking me?  How is he working out for you?)

Now, if I tell them that I am offended by these questions and that they reflect the stereotypes, unconscious bias and outright racism that festers within their meaningless lives, I become THAT GUY: the angry, insensitive monster who hurt their fragile feelings.   Never mind my feelings.   So, to avoid making them feel uncomfortable, I put on my “Good Negro Face.”  I smile, nod, make a little joke here and give a little pat on the back there.  I feel like a running back, using my “God given talents” as I slip, slide and dash through hardened defenses on my way to the goal line, or, just get through a swirling sea of dumbass questions without losing my cool.

It’s bad enough that I have to endure the bullshit of niceness and fake displays as I play the game in the work environment.  In my personal space, however, it has become so disgusting to me that it is now hard for me to even acknowledge the friendship of my white wife and her friends.

All white folks have become suspicious to me.  I never know when their fragility might explode into violent action based on little more than their self-made fears. I fear that I cannot in good faith trust white people, even those I whom I should be able to trust.

-Distrustful in Seattle

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My Good Man,

Hmm.  Distrustful in Seattle?  Is that a play on the movie “Sleepless in Seattle”? If so, please remember that being distrustful is a choice you make where being sleepless is a physical indication that the body for whatever reason, cannot rest.

Your concerns are valid and so essential for me to respond to in that I have momentarily stepped away from my self-imposed silence from writing.  Your correspondence is powerful and speaks for many African-Americans who are constantly responding daily to “white fragility.”

In my dual roles as a psychotherapist (who provides a safe secured space to either sit with or speak to submerged materials surfacing upon the human landscape) and a clinical traumatologist (who works to stop the emotional bleeding to help heal the psychological wound), I am also responding to the same issues (known as counter-transference) as I sit in sessions with patients listening to the psychological pain and emotional suffering being endured in their lives on a daily basis.  Like I do with them, I will seek to respond to your concerns.

 

Question: Why do white people feel so fragile and feel so reactive about feeling it?

Response: This is a multilayered question. Imagine four lanes of freeway moving in opposite directions, one side free traffic, the other in a traffic jam.   Imagine drivers on the fast side, observing the slow side, saying the following:

• I wouldn’t want to be them
• Dumbass should have left earlier (or later)
• Glad it isn’t me
• How do they do that every day?

Let’s imagine that in terms of race, white people are on the fast side of the freeway, and people of color are on the slow side. The people on the slow side may have an idea as to what is causing that backup, but they cannot know for sure what it is- they cannot see that far ahead– but they are still impeded by where they are going.

On the other hand, the people on the fast side are either unconcerned with why the other side is slow or have passed judgment on the folks who are stuck in that jam, both without an understanding or a curiosity about what’s causing that traffic jam.

In a similar way, white people are insulated from impediments that may slow progress from a racial perspective. Dr. Robin DiAngelo says that this insulation can render white people “innocent of race.”   It is this “innocence” that gives rise to white fragility.  As a result, white people are not raised to see themselves in terms of race, or to see white spaces as racial spaces.

African-Americans, on the other hand, particularly those who are born in or grow up in racially segregated spaces, must become “experts on race.”   Behaviorally, this shows up as white people expecting African-Americans to be sensitive of their racial innocence, requiring African-Americans to excuse and explain away their sheltered ignorance as they become (if they chose to) awakened to the harsh realities of racism.

Consider the following: a child is rudely awakened by his care provider from a deep sleep, one that was secured, warm and encased in comfort.  How does the child respond? The child is naturally upset because of the betrayal—the illusion of the safety of their sleeping environment has been interrupted and they will remain upset until a stable environment can be restored by the care provider.

In this analogy, the African-American, as the “racial expert,” is the care provider who is all-loving and self-sacrificing and is expected to provide the safe nurturing environment regardless of the psychological and emotional impacts to themselves.  If this grace is not extended, the African-American is regarded as unforgiving instead of as having a very natural, human reaction, and the relationship is harmed, if not terminated.

 

Question: (paraphrased) It’s one thing to have to be fake at work and another to be fake in my personal space.  What am I really angry about?

Response:  There could be several reasons for your anger. This may include

• Feeling powerless,
• Lacking strategies to respond to insensitive comments and,
• Feeling hopeless.

You may be having a “fight or flight” response.  “Fight or Flight” is a physiological and psychological response to stress that prepares the physical body, the intellectual mind and the psychological self to react to danger.

Instead of this, utilization of an empowerment strategy like the ABCs of Empowerment can bring relief to the physical, mental and psychological self.  It consists of the following:

• Advocacy-being willing to speak for self and not depend on others to do so on your behalf.
• Balance-listening intently to what is being said, being willing to psychologically step away and embrace your emotions while weighing what you are feeling and thinking.
• Calmness-while holding your psychological space, (advocacy & balance), allow the psychological self to be centered as you deliver your response to those within your external environment.

 

Question: (paraphrased) I am tired of playing these games at work and having to play the same games in my personal space.  It feels so frustrating and hopeless.  What can I do?

Response:  The only way to avoid this is to live on an island by yourself.  The reality is that this drama exists in all spaces. So, we As we live out our lives (the walk,) we have many different experiences.  During any point in this process, submerged materials may surface for the individual to address. We call these incidences “the crossroads.”  At the crossroads,

• Choices are presented.
• Decisions must be made.
• Consequences for these decisions and choices can be foreseen.
• You will ask yourself: What are my choices? How shall I respond?  Am I prepared to handle the consequences of my decision?
• The individual remains at the crossroads until a decision is made and the journey continues.

An example:

Recently, at a Starbucks Coffee counter, I was waiting my turn for service.  So, when I became the first person in line, I naturally expected the cashier to take my order.  Instead, she looks directly at the next person in line, a white male, and says: “Hi, what can I get you?”  The white male replies, “I believe this gentleman is in front of me.” The cashier then looks at me, quite surprised, and says: “Hi, what can I get you?” 

 I spent my formative years in the Deep South, where I experienced racism and the psychological trauma of the invisibility syndrome. This occurs when one’s physical presence is either ignored, or that presence is made to be inferior in comparison to another person who is seen to be racially superior.

Due to these previous experiences, it would be normal for me to respond with anger, but I was surprised that this came from an African-American cashier!

I never expected this.  Seconds felt like eons as thoughts and feeling flowed through me:

• Did this really happen? Yes, it did, and I am stunned beyond words or belief.
• What do I say? Do I challenge her actions?
• How do I respond? Do I file a formal complaint?

The incident was psychologically wounding.  It was not of my creation.  It was the words and actions of someone else who may, as a black person, unconsciously see themselves as inferior to white people and has brought those feelings to the workplace for me to encounter as I walk my own landscape.

So, what was my response?

• I looked at her eyes to see if she was aware of what she had done.
• I grabbed my coffee, thanking her for the service.
• I went to catch my flight.
• I’m writing in my blog and sharing the incident as a learning lesson.
• I have benefited from another experience as I walk my landscape.

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 Concluding Words -Dr. Kane 

My Good Man,

In your words you stated the following:

It’s bad enough that I must endure the bullshit of niceness and fake displays as I play the game in the work environment. 

Responses:  Your parents may have taught you two realities of a black person’s life in America:

1) To come in first place, you must work twice as hard as the white person beside you, and:

2) In order to be successful, you must learn to play the game.

Today is a new day, but the psychological wounding of racism and trauma remains the same.  In racism, the objective of either holding the black person away from winning or wounding the individual psychologically so much that the individual lacks the will to compete remains the same. However, the strategies have changed. Overt racist tactics have been replaced with covert tactics and casual racism.

We as African-Americans must also seek to transform.  We are already skilled and knowledgeable in running the race, but now we must want to learn how to run the race smarter, not harder.

We must want to consider that the prizes we see as the incentive for running the race, whether it’s a promotion, or a raise or more opportunity, is often the “carrot” in a rigged race with ever changing rules.  To live an empowered life, to transform our journeys, we must transform our definition of “winning” to seeing it as the ability to “cross the finish line.” We must understand that the simple act of crossing the finish line is in itself an outstanding victory!

 

However, in my personal space, it has become disgusting, so much that it is now it is now hard for me to even acknowledge the friendship of my white wife and her friends.

Response: In his poem Invictus, William Ernest Henley wrote: “I am the master of my fate.  I am the captain of my soul.” 

Remember, your personal space is your space. It belongs to you and no one else. You must empower the psychological self, seeking advocacy, balance and calmness as you decide how to utilize your personal space.

I too have encountered insensitive and uncaring remarks while attending several “all white” social events.  One person assumed that I was there to provide drugs. (Really?)

To empower the self, I now make assessments before accepting invitations to social gatherings, starting with the diversity of the attendees.  If there are no other black people, I assess whether I want to be the token Negro in the event.  This empowers me to decide whether I want to deal with the possible incidents (trauma) arising from underlying stereotypes.  For the majority of these events, unless it is business or politically related, I always decline to attend.

You have the same options.   Remember that this is your landscape.  You can decide whether to attend, and under what circumstances you will leave.  Finally, don’t expect others to speak up proactively regarding another’s individual insensitive or uncaring remarks. 

 

All white folks have become suspicious to me.  One never knows when their fragility might explode into violent action based on little more than their self-made fears.

Response: Take a good long look in the mirror.  You may be looking at the reflection of the same people who are acting out their suspicious, fears and racism towards you.  Remember that this is your landscape.   The impact of white fragility on your life depends upon the impact you allow it to have on every step you take as you continue your walk across the landscape.

 

I fear that I cannot in good faith trust white people, even those whom I should be able to trust.

Response: “… even those whom I should be able to trust”? I have serious reservations regarding these remarks. This is an underlying tone implying distrust being specifically directed towards your spouse.  The spousal relationship, unlike the parental relationship, is not based on unconditional love.

Your spouse is neither the cause nor the outlet for your misplaced anger.  You knew she was white when you married her.  Interracial relationships, particularly black men and white women, given the racial history in the United States, are especially different.  However, this is the life you have chosen.

You have the responsibility to empower your own psychological self; she cannot do this for you. You now have an opportunity for growth and development. I urge you to seek individual psychotherapy that provides you with finding a safe, secure space to sit with unprocessed feelings surfacing on your landscape. If you are unable or unwilling to maintain your commitment to her, then release her from the relationship so she can be available to “live the life she wants and not the life she is living.”

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Closing Remarks– My Dear Readers,

I want to clarify that in my earlier statements of conceptualizing the developmental stage of whiteness as white innocence, that I do not imply or believe that designation is a justification for not accepting responsibility, accountability, or consequences for one’s actions.  I am also not suggesting that in conceptualizing black people as “racial experts,” that black people should deny or minimize their psychological traumas or accept responsibility for the grievous actions, statements or comments of others.

I close, leaving with great anticipation for the immediate future. I now return to my commitment to cease writing blogs and in doing so, walk my landscape as I seek to fulfill my journey of self-discovery.  Two upcoming projects 2019 include:

• Returning to Paris, France, in April, doing further research on the psychological traumas experienced by African-American troops in WWI abandoned by the American High Command forced to fight as segregated combat units under the command and flag of the French military.
• Traveling to Ghana, West Africa during August for the Year of the Return Conference acknowledging 400 years since the Atlantic Slave Trade (1619 to 2019). I will participate as a panelist and workshop presenter regarding the psychological trauma of being experienced by African-Americans.

Once again, I bid you all farewell.  I am unclear as to whether I will return to consistently blogging on a regular pace, there may be those times like in this writing in which I am drawn to write as it may either resonate or stir up passion within me. I truly believe that life is about “walking the landscape” and in doing so to “live the life you want and not the live you live.”

I bid you all wellness. I encourage you to seek advocacy for the self, attain balance within your internalized world, and calmness in your externalized environment. Best wishes to you all in your future journeys of self-exploration.

Best regards,

Dr. Micheal Kane

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“There is no growth without discomfort.  Being honest can be uncomfortable.  It is the freedom that comes from being honest.”

-Delbert Richardson, Ethnomuseumologist

“Here is what it is. They don’t like you.  They don’t dislike you.  They are afraid of you.  You’re different. Sooner or later difference scares people.”

– “The Accountant” (2016)

“You attract what you fear.  You attract what you are.  You attract what is on your mind.”

-Denzel Washington, Actor/Academy Award Winner

“Once burned we learn.  If we do not learn, we only insure that we will be burned again, and again and again … until we learn.”

-Dr. Micheal Kane Psy.D

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Farewell for now…….

Until the next crossroads… The journey continues…

At The Crossroads: New Possibilities and New Directions

“You want to stand up for yourself, as a man, or as someone who was just doing his job, and say ‘hey, this isn’t right.’ But in the moment, I’m thinking: I’m a black man, and if I start emoting, I might not walk out of here.”

-Byron Ragland, USAF Veteran & Court Appointed Visitation Supervisor, after being forced by Kirkland, WA police to leave a frozen yogurt shop during a supervised visit because two white female employees were scared

“Casual racism is defined as a society’s or an individual’s lack of regard for the impact of their racist actions on others.

Casual racism is subtly packaged white fear of black skin and it is an inherently dangerous form of racism.

Casual racism has become more insidious of late as it has become expressed through white comfort and discomfort.  It combines micro-aggressions (statements, actions or incidents) and macro-aggressions (threats of physical force, law enforcement) with modern racism (beliefs and attitudes) to form aversive racism (engaging in crazy making) interactions with African-Americans.”

-Dr. Micheal Kane Psy.D. “Casual Racism”

 

“A Starbucks Moment occurs when a white person, due to emotional reactions from shock, fear, terror, or feeling threatened, deceives or manipulates the police to seek the investigation, removal, and/or arrest of a black person for a minor reason or infraction in a space that the black person would otherwise have every right to occupy.”

-Dr. Micheal Kane, Psy.D., “Starbucks Moment”

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My Dear Readers,

I am now approaching the time of year in which I normally take a two-month hiatus from blogging.

I began writing articles seven years ago as a way of grieving the loss of my Linda, my beloved spouse of 30 years.  Over the last seven years, I have written over 100 pieces focused on the psychological impact of trauma in the lives of African-Americans.

The writings have varied, from Bobbi’s Saga, which focuses on the journey of a woman recovering from profound childhood sexual, physical and emotional abuse, to At the Crossroads, which focuses on the choices we make as we progress on the Journey of Self-Discovery.  The writings have sought to give visibility and voice to the experience of black people who go unseen and are feared by a frightened white society.

The blogs have been offered as a service to the African-American community, seeking to demystify mental health treatment.  During the course of writing the blogs I have discussed 13 sub-types of psychological trauma and 11 forms of racism that can psychologically impact the mental health wellness on a daily basis.  It is through these writings, my clinical work and finally, my own journey of self-discovery that I have learned advocacy, balance and calmness in responding to the psychological impacts associated with trauma and racism.

Byron Ragland is a United States Air Force veteran who has served multiple tours fighting for his country, and who now works as a court appointed visitation supervisor. Earlier this month, Ragland was supervising a visit between a mother and child when he was directed by two police officers to leave a local business because his presence created fear for the two white female employees.  Even through Mr. Ragland provided identification and documentation that he was there on official business as a visitation supervisor, the police officers still insisted that he leave the premises.

The City Manager and the Chief of Police have since apologized for the actions taken by law enforcement and have promised an “investigation by the council,  an internal police review of the officers’ actions and governmental legislation to prevent this terrible action from reoccurring again.”

Apologies, investigations and legislation; it seems that we have been down that same old road many times before.  This is not the first time that a African-American veteran has suffered racism and was forced to leave a food establishment.

In my book Our Blood Flows Red, I detail numerous incidences of racism experienced by black men serving in military service at the hands of white citizens and law enforcement officers.  One incident was the experience of Lieutenant Christopher Sturkey, who had won a battlefield commission and a Silver Star for bravery while fighting in Europe during WWII:

“When he arrived home to Detroit after the war in uniform with his medals, battle stars and campaign ribbons in full display, he stopped at an inexpensive neighborhood White Tower to order a hamburger.  The white girl at the counter coldly said, ‘we don’t serve niggers in here.’”

In another incident:

“In 1943, in Centerville, Mississippi, a white sheriff intervened in a fistfight between a white soldier and black one.  After the black man got the upper hand, the sheriff shot him to death, then asked the white soldier, ‘Any more niggers you want killed?’”

Same old road…. From 1943 Mississippi to 1945 Michigan to 2018 Washington …. What have we learned?  Only that apologies, investigations, and legislation cannot change the hatred and fear that lies in the in the hearts of others.

As I begin my hiatus, I leave the readership with stories of three African-American males who have chosen to refocus their lives and in doing so, move towards a new direction.  These are individuals who acknowledge that they are psychologically wounded, but are still  seeking advocacy, balance and calmness for themselves through psychotherapy and mental health wellness.  These are their stories:

******************************************

Thomas, age 30 (name changed for privacy) is responding to depression and anxiety.  The foundation of his feelings is his rejection by his father, which has reinforced a sense of inadequacy and questioning about role modeling and his direction in life.  In a letter to his father, Thomas cites his decision to refocus, letting go of past hurts and moving onward to a new path and new direction.

“Dear Dad,

I hope this letter finds you well, and I am writing this letter because I have questions only you can answer.  I am attending therapy sessions to heal the things that have bothered me throughout my life. 

The first thing I want to talk about is rejection.  I know that you did not want me. When my mother was pregnant with me, I know that you told her to get an abortion. 

I also know throughout my life you have rejected me; you have not spent any time with me.  I know you have other children and you have never claimed me as your own.  I’ve felt isolated and abnormal because I did not have a father who would support me or be there for me when I felt down.

I have looked to other people for acceptance, and just like you, they have also rejected me.  Even though you and I now live in the same city, you continue to reject me and avoid any interaction with me, despite the number of times I have attempted to connect with you. 

I am now 30 years old; several times in the last 18 months I have asked for time with you so you can get to know the person I have become.  Although you have made commitments to do so, you have failed to follow through.

Every day, there is a possibility that you may die.  So before you go, I want to utilize this opportunity to tell you who I have become… without you.

• I have a college degree (Sociology) from a major university
• I am a responsible adult; I am single, but I don’t have any children.
• I am currently studying to obtain a professional license within my field.
• I don’t have a criminal record.

Despite you and without you, I have been successful.  As you know, both my brother and my cousin were both killed due to their life in the streets.  I’m blessed that I did not follow that life.  Instead, I found my own way and although you rejected me, I grew up to be a healthy contributing member of society. 

I hope you can forgive yourself for not being involved in my life and for not being around to watch my growth and success.  I forgive you.

Love,

Thomas

Analysis

Thomas’s letter to his father is a “farewell” of sorts. It is the love and pain of a son who has been rejected by his father and is now saying “goodbye” as he continues to seek the newness of life without the internalized pulling for the love of his father.

His father never answered the letter, and Thomas never expected him to. Thomas’ goal in writing this letter was to free himself before his father died. In doing so, he reached his goal: he is now free to walk his new journey of self-discovery. At this point, what becomes of Thomas’s father or his father’s response is… irrelevant.

*********************************

Mr. Wilson (name changed for privacy) is an 80-year-old retired teacher and consultant. He has spent his entire life within the “movement,” fighting for equality with the belief that along with whites, blacks could work together to achieve equality in the United States. Mr. Wilson comes to therapy seeking to work on his unresolved anger.

In session, Mr. Wilson speaks about his regrets about integration and the loss of black communities, the exodus of black people from the urban cities, the loss of black businesses and most important, the loss of self-reliance and the desperation of seeking relief from the government and the whites who have themselves benefited from integration.

In session, Mr. Wilson said:

“I thought I was fighting to end racism.  I did not understand the depth of racism.  I am critical of white people and I am angry with me.  I criticize white people for their failure as a group to take responsibility for the harm they have created in the lives of others.  I hold whites as a group responsible for their willingness to talk about change and then fail to stand up for change when they see the results of the harm being caused.

I am angry with myself.  I feel that I have been duped.  I feel that I duped myself.  I thought that the civil rights movement could end racism.  Here I am 60 years later… racism is as strong as ever.  I was wrong.  Racism has made this country feel disquiet, unsettled, uncomfortable for me… I don’t feel safe.”

Prior to the recent midterm elections, Mr. Wilson spoke about leaving the country and becoming an expatriate.  He has decided to stay, since the outcome of the midterm elections has given him hope for the future. He now seeks to refocus his direction by providing mentorship for the next generation.

Analysis

Mr. Wilson acknowledges that he is psychologically wounded and impacted by racism that has been a daily factor in his life.  Prior to entering the therapeutic process, Mr. Wilson has tried to “man up,” suppressing his anger and suffering in silence.  Now at age 80, he wants to dispel the anger that is so negatively impacting his life and those around him.

In therapy, Mr. Wilson has learned that he can find healing in embracing his anger.  From there, he can acknowledge what is and is not in his ability to address, and in doing so, he is able to go in a new direction in his life.  He can understand that even at 80 years of age a person can move forth to seeking a new journey of self-discovery.

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I end with the stories of refocus and new direction with myself …. Dr. Micheal Kane

I started in the field of clinical traumatology by writing on the subject as my doctoral dissertation topic.  I have gone to postdoctoral studies achieving four certificates in the study of clinical traumatology.  I have written a publication that has been utilized by graduate schools and the Department of Veterans Affairs.  I have had the privilege on serving as a clinical consultant to the Black Congressional Caucus.

However, the best honor and privilege I have had is being married 30 years to my beloved spouse, My Linda.  It was during her illness that I began blogging.  Following her death, it was the consistency of writing for my readership that has helped me regain my own balance over the last seven years.

In my clinical work, I have developed clinical strategies to respond to complex trauma, how black males should interact with law enforcement and ways to respond to suicide.  As a therapist, I have been a companion and guide in the deepest darkness of human misery ever imagined.

Truly, my work is God’s gift.   I do not consider the suffering of others as a job or occupation.   It truly is my passion to help and provide a safe space for my patients to heal from the wounds they have suffered.

In the seven years of blogging I have written 100+ articles.  In the combination of roles as healer, teacher, diagnostician, evaluator, and blog writer, I am now responding to my own desire for self-care.

 

Analysis

Sir William Osler once said:

“The doctor who treats himself has a fool for a patient.”

Rest assured, I am not diagnosing or treating myself.  I simply recognize that  the time has come to take my practice and my passion in a new direction.  In my practice I have consistently focused on self-health, healthy narcissism and empowerment.  It is now my opportunity to do the same and in doing so, “practice what I preach.”

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 Closing Words

My Dear Readers,

Earlier, I indicated that I was now approaching the time of year in which I normally take a two-month hiatus from blogging.  Although I still have the passion for my clinical and forensic work, I no longer have the passion to blog on a consistent basis.

I have decided to suspend my blog writing for a period of one year with consideration that I may return in 2020 or sometime following.  I will continue my clinical and forensic work, and I will begin in the next year or two begin working on another publication focusing on my work working with trauma suffers within communities of color.

My writing has been read by a diverse readership spanning continents and numerous countries. I have sought to provide the readership with a different view of trauma within my community and possible strategies of recovery and empowerment.

I believe that advocacy, balance and calmness can lead to empowerment of the psychological self.  I believe we make choices in whether we remain survivors or transform ourselves as we move towards achieving self-discovery.

I want to thank you for the words of encouragement, support and passion you have shown for my work.

I bid you all wellness.  I encourage you to seek advocacy for the self, attain balance within your internalized world, and calmness in your externalized environment. Best wishes to you all in your future journeys of self-exploration.

Best regards,

Dr. Micheal Kane

**********************

The Undiscovered Territory

The past is what it was

The present is what it is

In the future lies what is to be uncovered

It is the undiscovered territory

Waiting for you.

-Dr. Micheal Kane

 

***********************************

 

Steppin’ into Tomorrow

We cannot step back into our past,

Nor must we want to.

It is our fear of the unknown that chains us.

The future holds new possibilities

We can journey into the future

Having Belief, Faith and Trust in Self

As we step into the Tomorrow

-Dr. Micheal Kane

*********************************

New Possibilities

Life is a journey filled with new possibilities.

And sometimes because of the person you are (or have become), you find yourself in the right place at the right time for….

New possibilities.

-Dr. Micheal Kane

****************************************

Farewell for now…….

Until the next crossroads… The journey continues…

At The Crossroads: Division or Protection During Times of Rejection

“Casual racism… is used to refer to societal or a particular individual’s lack of regard for the impact of their racist actions or behaviors upon another person. Casual racism has become more insidious as it has become expressed through white comfort and discomfort.”

-Dr. Micheal Kane, Psy.D., “Casual Racism”

“A Starbucks Moment occurs when a white person, due to emotional reactions from shock, fear, terror, or feeling threatened, deceives or manipulates the police to seek the investigation, removal, and/or arrest of a black person for a minor reason or infraction in a space that the black person would otherwise have every right to occupy.

-Dr. Micheal Kane, Psy.D., “Starbucks Moment” 

“Whites don’t kill whites.”

-Gunman Gregory Bush following the killings of two African-Americans at the Kroger Grocery Store in Jeffersontown, Kentucky

“All Jews must die.”

-Anti-Semite Robert Bowers, before killing 11 people and wounding more as they worshiped at Tree of Life synagogue

“What do blacks offer society? All they do is ruin western civilization.”

-From the Facebook page of white supremacist Jordan Rocco, days before attacking two black men and stabbing one to death

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My Dear Readers,

In Jeffersontown, Kentucky, a gunman shot and killed two African-Americans shopping at a local grocery store after previously failing to gain entry to a black church. In Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, a gunman killed 11 Jewish Americans at the Tree of Life Synagogue.  Thousands gathered across the country from Seattle, Washington to Washington, DC for candlelight vigils to honor the synagogue shooting victims. Even more media attention came when President Trump and his family, although asked to postpone their trip, visited the synagogue.

Meanwhile, there was no media attention or acknowledgement for the tragedy in Jeffersontown for 4 days, and even now, this hate-motivated crime goes largely unnoticed by our wider society.  Once again, African-Americans are left feeling invisible and unwanted.

Being Invisible & Unwanted

Cynthia (name changed to protect privacy) is the African-American mother of a 16-year-old student attending a local high school in Seattle, WA.  In session, she speaks of her frustrations regarding the impacts of the recent shootings in Pittsburgh & Jeffersontown.

“Dr. Kane, the principal of my son’s school recently sent an emergency text to all of the parents notifying us of the shooting in Pittsburgh, encouraging parents to be aware of psychological trauma and urging us to be available and talk to our adolescents about their feelings.  However, there was no mention of the shootings that had occurred earlier that day (Jeffersontown).

My son sits on the Principal’s advisory board and meets with her regularly. He feels like he is invisible, and he is frustrated and betrayed because she (the school principal) wears a Black Lives Matter pin.  I told him that if he did not speak to her about this, I would. What do you think? Would you speak to her?”

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Analysis: Dr. Kane

Let’s examine the issues:

• Parent– feels helpless and frustrated, watching her son be hurt and disappointed. Parent seeks to intervene, threatening to do so if the son fails to speak to the principal.
• Son– feels betrayed by the principal, feels like he and his pain are invisible, and that no one cares about his feelings. He may have conflicting feelings towards self, his mother, and the principal.
• Principal– in wearing the Black Lives Matter pin, she may see herself as an advocate of social justice. It is unknown whether sending out text to school families excluding Jeffersontown shooting was intentional or an oversight on her part.

Although the 16-year-old is not my patient, I have the ethical responsibility to remain vigilant that no harm comes to a minor as I seek to provide treatment to the adult parent. The mother feels powerless and unable to protect her son from both the racism of the hostile external world and the conflict that resides within his internalized self.

The mother’s actions, although well intended, can result in additional psychological wounding for her son.  Forcing her son to confront the principal will not only fail to resolve his internalized conflict but may place him at risk of punishment or other forms of retaliation from the principal as he points out racist behavior.

The mother, in her rush to “save” her son from the hostile world, can assist him more effectively by focusing on herself first by relieving her own distress—what we call “healthy narcissism”—and then, once she can project calmness and balance, she can focus on helping to relieve her son’s distress and to empower him to clarify his decision making as it relates to interacting with the school principal.

The mother can relieve her own distress by utilizing the Five R’s of RELIEF model:

• At the stage of respite, she can step away and see the harm that confrontation may have on her son.
• Once that clarity is achieved, she can help him embrace his reaction, meaning that she assists him in giving himself the permission to feel the way that he feels, and to express those feelings in a safe space, helping him along the first step to personal empowerment.
• From there, he can reflect upon that reaction, truly analyzing the situation now that emotion is no longer clouding the path. It is here where the son can understand that betrayal requires the “intention” to betray another and since there doesn’t appear to be an intent by the principal to betray, the feelings the son has are not of betrayal, but rather those of “disappointment” in her failure to see his pain and to uphold the meaning of the Black Lives Matter pin she wears.
• At the stage of response, the mother can assist her son to define and understand casual racism, and work to minimize the impacts of trauma of Invisibility Syndrome, informing how he may interact with the principal and his fellow students on this and future subjects.
• Rather than focusing on “educating” the principal on the impact of her actions to the son, the focus can be on the final stage of reevaluation. This stage leads to healing the psychological wounds that have been created and preparing for more psychological wounding that will continue to arise from a hostile external world. This creates the pathway towards empowering the self towards advocacy, balance and calmness during difficult times.

 

Dancing & Smiling: They Still Don’t See Me.

Jonathan (name changed to protect privacy) is an African- American 38-year-old attorney new to the area; working as an associate for a prominent law firm in Seattle

“Dr. Kane, I am living on the edge of madness.  I work and live in the white world.  These people don’t see me as a person, only as a threat.  I am constantly being questioned for identification while my white colleagues get a free pass.

When we are together during times that I get racially profiled, they shift around nervously, make jokes, and change the subject.  They see it all and yet never say anything.  Meanwhile, I am left angry and humiliated.  I can’t say anything because I then become the angry black man and I am afraid that I won’t be considered for partner when the time comes and the opening becomes available.

The recent shootings in Jeffersontown and Pittsburgh really impacted me.  At the office they only talked about Pittsburgh and they are supportive of the attorneys at the firm who are Jewish. WTF? What about me?  Do I scream out that I am hurting too?

I know how to play the game.  I’ve gone to the right schools.  I associate with the right people.  I keep my head down and my mouth shut.  I am so tired of dancing and smiling for these people.  Besides hitting someone, drinking myself to death or jumping off a bridge, what can I do?”

Let’s examine the issues:

• Middle-aged African-American attorney newly located to the area.
• One of his career goals is becoming a partner in a prestigious law firm.
• He is impacted by recent racial and religious murders.
• Victim of constant racial profiling and race related trauma (micro-aggressions.)

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Analysis: Dr. Kane

Racism is not new to Jonathan. He has been impacted by racism during all the prominent stages of his development (childhood, adolescence and early adulthood.) So, what is really going on?

Jonathan is seeking recognition, acceptance, and validation from his work environment.  It is the idea of making partner that is the carrot that Jonathan keeps chasing, never being able to reach it.  He hopes that by attending the correct schools, doing excellent work, and “playing the game,” he will eventually become partner.

However, Jonathan has a huge gap that he is unable to overcome; his internal need for recognition, validation, and acceptance from his work environment.  Jonathan is aware from his life experiences that racial profiling will never cease or racial murders may continue; he simply wants others to recognize, validate, and accept that he has psychological wounds just like his Jewish colleagues.

Jonathon’s failure is threefold:

• His desire that others focus on his own psychological wounding.
• Lack of understanding that casual racism is built on the premise of “white comfort and discomfort.”
• Lack of empowering himself and letting go of the dependence of others

Rather than focusing outward on others coming to his aid and understanding, Jonathan would do well to turn inward to relieve his own psychological distress.

Although Jonathan is skillful in “playing the game,” the focus now turns to “running the race smarter, not harder.”  This can be achieved allowing Jonathan to let go of his fear about being viewed as the “Angry Black(man) out of Control” to transforming his own needs by utilizing empowerment strategies like ABC i.e. (advocacy, balance and calmness.)

Jonathan’s error was in “Looking for Love in All the Wrong Places.”  It was his failure to understand that in order to gain recognition, acceptance and validation from the casual racist, that person must first want to accept responsibility for the insidious traumatization and its impact upon others.  However, to do so would cause “white discomfort” and, as a result, it is easier for them to avoid the topic altogether.

Jonathan would fare much better from seeking to obtain his desires from within and let go of seeking that support from the external environment, which is heavily influenced by casual racism.

 

Am I being paranoid or just scared?

Harold (name changed to protect privacy) is a 27-year-old city employee.

“Hey Doc, I feel like I am always on guard.  I am constantly looking at the news and at social media; I am feeling eyes on me all the time.  In working downtown, I am surrounded by lots of women, mainly white.   I feel that I am always being racially profiled. People stare, but they just don’t say anything.  I am frightened by what happened to that boy in Brooklyn when the white woman claimed that he groped her.  So what that she apologized?

Recently, while standing in line, a white girl standing in front backed up into me.  Scared the shit out of me!  I didn’t know what she was going to do.  I pulled out my phone ready to call 911 but what the fuck was I going to tell them?  A white girl backed up into me and I am scared she’s going to yell sexual assault? She turned and apologized.  I was still scared. I am still scared.

Now because of the shooting at the grocery store, I am afraid to go get groceries.  I wonder whether I be able to go shopping and not get killed.   That black man who was killed in Kentucky was shopping with his grandson.  His grandson saw everything.  How is he going to get that out of his head?  Damn, I can’t get it out of my head.

Doc, I got no one to talk to.  My friends laugh at me, saying that I am paranoid.  I’m not sharing my feelings ever again!  I thought about getting a concealed weapon permit, but I am fearful of being profiled as a black man with a gun. This is bullshit. A white man can carry a concealed weapon and it’s no big deal, but when a black man does the same, they want to call out SWAT.

Doc, the other day, I refused to get on an elevator because there was only this white woman waiting to go in as well.  I was afraid of what she could say and that it would be my word against her word.  Who are they going to believe? … Goldilocks crying in distress or the big black wolf?  Fuck that, I don’t need the stress.  No witnesses, it would be better to wait than risk the chance of being a soundbite on the evening news.  Doc, I know I did the right thing and yet I am still pissed off at Goldilocks, the fucking world and myself.

What words do you have for me, Doc?”

Let’s examine the issues:

• Harold is a young adult African-American male in the mid-range of early adult development. He appears to be highly sensitive to recent media reports of racial profiling and murders.

Regarding the incident in Brooklyn, Harold is referring to the white woman who called 911 on a 9-year-old black male in the mistaken belief that the child had groped her.  A review of video shows that his backpack had brushed up against her.

In session, Harold admitted to being impacted by quotes by law enforcement regarding racial profiling and their response including the following:

“It is what it is. Do you understand?

-Police Officer, providing an explanation to a black male being racially profiled and detained while providing childcare to two white children.

“Anybody can call the police at any time for any reason,” one deputy said of the call. “We’ll respond.”

-St John’s County Sheriff Deputy following a 911 call on a black father cheering on his son at a soccer game

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Analysis: Dr. Kane

Harold is experiencing hyper-awareness and hypersensitivity due to being overwhelmed by his fear of vulnerability and exposure to white fear of black skin.  He views himself as being not believable in the eyes of a hostile and unforgiving society ready to peg him as the big black wolf seeking to ravish the innocence of Goldilocks.

Casual racism is subtly packaged white fear of black skin, and it is an inherently dangerous form of racism.  It combines micro-aggressions (statements, actions or incidents) and macro-aggressions (threats of physical force, law enforcement) with modern racism (beliefs and attitudes) to form aversive racism (engaging in crazy-making interactions with African-Americans.

In addition to vulnerability and exposure to a hostile external environment (i.e. racial profiling, and racial murder,) Harold is in a state of internal conflict.  Fearful of being taunted and viewed as “paranoid” by his friends, Harold has isolated himself from his emotional and supporting resources.

Clinically speaking, paranoia is an instinct or thought process believed to be heavily influenced by anxiety or fear, often to the point of delusion and irrationality.  Paranoid thinking typically includes persecutory, or beliefs of conspiracy concerning a perceived threat towards oneself.

Harold, like many other African-Americans, has been targeted before via racial profiling and as a result, are vulnerable and exposed to death due to white fear of black skin. Therefore, a “reasonable person” in the same circumstances would be fully expected to respond the same way under similar circumstances: it would be expected that a person would remain in a state of hyper-awareness and hypersensitivity.

Harold is not paranoid.  He is not delusional or irrational in his thought process.  He has become hyper-vigilant as he seeks to respond to his vulnerability and exposure to racial profiling and perceived threats of death. To assist Harold, we would focus on identifying emotional/ supportive resources and treatment strategies that would return him to a course of normal vigilance.

Clinical Framework of Psychological Self Protection- Balancing Vigilance

• Awareness– maintain awareness of your immediate surrounding
• Alertness-be alert of the possibility of being under observance by others
• Aloneness-be accepting that aloneness of your presence and possible isolation.
• Aloofness-protect yourself psychologically during difficult situations through maintaining coolness and distance.
• Aliveness– remember; maintaining vigilance is key to safety and returning home to your loved ones

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Closing Remarks-Dr. Kane

My Dear Readers,

I am a staunch believer that words and actions have meaning and impact.  It would true to say that not everyone shares this belief. Following a recent writing, a dear colleague and fellow African-American in a sharply worded rebuke chided me in stating that

“Everyone is not into psychology and analysis everything.”

If only this was so…. Perhaps then, there would be less people walking wounded, psychologically impacted, and traumatized.

Across the nation, two communities, one African-American and the other Jewish, are grieving the loss of members through senseless acts of violence.  As they grieve their dead, they quietly take steps to both prevent the next occurrence and prepare again for the next set of losses.

The murderous and senseless killings at Tree of Life synagogue killing 11 members were not the first among racially or religion motivated murders in Pittsburgh in 2018.  News media reports the following:

“In August a 24-year-old white man named Jordan Rocco posted a video to Instagram in which he described how he was going to play a game: He was going to see how many times he could say “n****r” before getting kicked out of bars. A few hours later, he was denied entry to the Little Red Corvette bar on Pittsburgh’s popular North Shore Drive. Unprovoked, he then allegedly attacked two black men on the sidewalk, fatally stabbing 24-year-old Dulane Cameron Jr.”

The media reports continue with:

“The blood that gushed from Cameron’s neck that night in August no longer stains the sidewalk on North Shore Drive. On Monday evening, people walked into the bars to watch “Monday Night Football” or stumbled out for a smoke. There’s no memorial to mark his killing.”

This prior weekend, the University of Kentucky played a home game against the University of Georgia, losing 34-17.  The game was attended by 63, 543 screaming fans excited to see a Wildcats and Bulldogs football game.

The distance from the University of Kentucky in the city of Lexington to Jeffersontown is 68 miles or 1 hour 7 minutes and 5 hours 34 minutes from Pittsburgh.  Although both teams included African-American and Jewish players, there was no memorial or activity identified for the dead of either Jeffersontown or Pittsburgh.

This is how casual racism is successful in sheltering the white majority from its discomfort. They distance themselves from it by immersing themselves in activities that allow for avoidance and disengagement. They are skillful in distancing and identifying those who are involved in racist or anti-Semitic murders as outliers.  In doing so, the group disavows group responsibility yet allowing its members to continue to engage in actions that are psychologically wounding to others.

In closing I leave a special message to the haters, the racists and the anti-Semites.  You may wound us, and yes, some of us will die because of your senseless actions.  However, you will never divide or defeat us.

The African-American and Jewish communities will stand together.  We will bury our dead and we will grieve.  It is in our grief, pain, and suffering that we find strength to go forth.

We will seek justice and we will not be satisfied until justice has been achieved.

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“No, no, we are not satisfied, and we will not be satisfied until Justice roles down like water, and righteousness like a mighty stream.”

-Martin Luther King

 

Until the next crossroads …. The journey continues …

At The Crossroads: White Privilege And The New Normal

“People can be slave ships in shoes.”

-Zora Neale Hurston, Author

“Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it.”

-George Santayana (1863) philosopher/novelist

“We are each other’s harvest; we are each other’s business; we are each other’s magnitude and bond.”

-Gwendolyn Brooks, Poet

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My Dear Readers,

In Northern Ireland in the late 20th century, an ethno-nationalist and religious conflict that developed into a low-level war between the United Kingdom and Northern Ireland became commonly known as “The Troubles.”

In America, we are waging a low-level war against children of color seeking protection from debilitating gang violence in Central America. Since early May of this year, over 2,000 children have been separated from their parents after crossing the southern border into the U.S. seeking asylum, as part of a policy from the Trump administration that has generated a public outcry. In all, over 10,000 unaccompanied immigrant children are being held in detention facilities across the United States. Currently, the US Department of Defense is planning to house 20,000 children on military bases across the country.

My heart is heavy. This is who we have become. “The Troubles“ of the British are now our own.

The Cries of Children

The world is watching as our country continues to spiral into state sanctioned child abuse and cruelty to children, and this was not an accident. This was part of a new immigration strategy by the Trump administration that was designed to deter further illegal immigration, but this approach has prompted widespread outcry.

No racial group understands the impact of complex trauma in children and the separation of families more than African-Americans. African-American families continue to feel the impact of historical and inter-generational traumas associated with slavery, segregation, the Jim Crow era, and the horrors of lynching men, women and children.

Even today, complex trauma continues to be endured in silence by those who as children, individually integrated white schools following the US Supreme Court decision in Brown v. Board of Education in 1954.   Since then, legislation has been passed and judicial battles have been won, but these children and subsequent generations continue to be psychologically impacted and their social mobility blocked.

How are the words “Land of the Free” defined? Immigrants coming to this country understand that in the United States of America we claim to be the land of the free because men are free to do whatever they wish. However what is really meant is that white men are free, not others.

Although segregation has formally ended as a means of control, it has been replaced by the subtler white privilege.

What is white privilege? 

White privilege is a societal benefit that favors people whom society identifies as white. White privilege confers passive advantages that white people may not recognize they have, which makes it different from and harder to address than overt bias or prejudice.

How does privilege differ from segregation? 

White privilege is voluntary and reinforced by societal norms and beliefs, where in comparison, segregation was reinforced by local and state laws. Once a person becomes aware of their own white privilege, they have the opportunity to change how it shows up in their lives and their interactions with others.

How does the utilization of privilege benefit the individual?

White privilege includes cultural affirmations by the greater society of one’s individual worth at the expense of other cultures, presumed greater social status, and freedom to move, buy, work, play, and speak freely without intimidation. There is no tangible benefit; only an ease of going about their lives that people without privilege do not experience.

How are non-whites harmed by the denial of privilege or the utilization of privilege?

The negative psychological and emotional effects of white privilege on people of color can be seen in professional, educational, and personal contexts. Because white privilege also implies the right to assume the universality of one’s own experiences, the experiences of others who do not operate in the same way can result in marking those people as “other,” “different,” or “less than” while perceiving oneself as “normal” or “superior.”

White Privilege: The New Normal

It is unlikely that white people of good conscience would disagree that slavery, the Jim Crow/segregation era, and lynching were evil. Yet, these evil acts repeatedly occurred because white people of good conscience chose not to intervene and remained silent instead.

Today, the new normal of white privilege is an outcome not only of the lack of action and silence, but also the “power of choice” in which white people of good conscience will focus their attention (i.e. moral outrage, political organization and financial resources) elsewhere. Without the sunlight of attention, micro- and macro-aggressions that did not receive attention before will continue to emotionally drain and psychologically impact communities of color across the country.

This may be the “new normal,” but it serves only to pit communities of color against each other in times of desperation and trauma to compete for the attention of those white people of good conscience.  Broad media coverage is given to Hispanic infants and children being separated from their parents at the border while limited media coverage is given to the East Pittsburgh police shooting death of a unarmed African-American adolescent. Meanwhile, media coverage and empathy has all but evaporated in North Dakota where Native and Aboriginal people continue to fight for their land and water rights.

In white privilege’s New Normal, communities of color fear the loss of hope, abandonment and the return to suffering in silence.

Using the Power of Choice

White privilege is not a derogatory term or an epithet. It’s simply a term for the things that white people don’t have to worry about as they go through life that people of color, particularly black people, do, because of the racial prejudices that are common in our society.

White people of good conscience have consistently bombarded communities of color with questions that have the following common thread:

• What can we do to resolve the problems of injustice, inequality and racism?
• How can we help?
• How can we work together?

Despite their good intentions, communities of color continue to be psychologically impacted by problems of injustice, inequality and racism. So, the question remains… what can white people of good conscience do?

• They can take a stand within their own communities.
• They can STOP seeking out communities of color for answers. You already have the answers. Do something!
• They can utilize and apply the clinical concept of RACE (responsibility, accountability, consequences and empowerment) in working within their respective communities.

Responsibility:  End your silence.  Injustice, inequality, and racism all thrive because the unaffected majority places their interests above all others. This inaction reinforces the foundations of inequality and racism. Simply put: when you see injustice, inequality, and racism, speak out. I am responsible.  I will respond.

Accountability:  Understand that you are accountable. Accept that having privilege means that you gain when someone else suffers. Accept the personal accountability that comes along with those gains. I will be accountable.

Consequences: Understand the impact of your action and inaction. Be willing to balance your intent with the outcome of a particular act.  I accept the consequences of my action or inaction.

Empowerment: Transform your community. Acknowledge that you possess the tools and resources to transform your community. Stop wanting more and then settling for less. I will work towards transforming my community.

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Concluding Words-Dr. Kane

A white ally who I consider to be a brother recently half-jokingly and half seriously remarked in one of his pieces:

“I am starting to grow bored with the “Ally” role. I want to explore the possibility of becoming something of a Co-Conspirator.” 

Those holding the privilege can best help end inequality, injustice, and racism by working within their communities as we continue to work within ours. Otherwise, the words amount to little more than intellectualizing the suffering of others.

I also want to assume my own responsibility by balancing my intent with the outcome of my actions. I have often been criticized for generalizing my language. I have been informed that in saying “all white people do ____,” the outcome is that some white people will feel uncomfortable. They would prefer that I use language such as “some” or perhaps, “more than not,” instead.

I can understand the discomfort with the generalization. This is a great opportunity to see where white privilege becomes an issue. These white people are asking to be viewed as individuals, and not as a group– but that is the heart of white privilege. As a black man, I do not have the ability to be viewed as an individual. Everything that I say and do are seen as representations of my entire race and culture. Because white people have always had the privilege of being judged by their individual merits, they miss that privilege when it is no longer extended to them, and feel that it is their right to be seen that way. The key here is for white people to demolish that status as “privileged” by fighting to see that all people are able to be judged on their individual merits and not based on generalizations based on what race they appear to be.

In using the term “white people of good conscience,” I seek to address two concerns:

• I am asking white people to take the opportunity to look within themselves, holding themselves accountable by asking themselves: am I engaging in micro- or macro- aggressive behavior?
• I am fearful that only speaking of “some” white people will result in no white people examining themselves and their own behavior, because they will count themselves as not part of the “some.” White privilege benefits all white people. Therefore, all white people must be aware of the role it plays in their lives.

As I seek to understand the differences, I reflect upon the following quote:

“Don’t try to understand them; and don’t try to make them understand you.  For they are a breed apart and make no sense.”

-Chingachgook, Chief of the Mohican People

Last of The Mohicans, (1992)

The history of silence from well-meaning white people in the face of atrocity and trauma has left the African-American community with a lot of anger. There are many who feel that the white people of good conscience abandoned the civil rights movement after the Civil Rights Act of 1964 was passed, choosing to believe that their work of civil rights for the black community had been done.

Michael Harriot, writing for The Root, states that these well-meaning white people, due to their silence, are cowards. He utilizes strong quotes such as this one by Desmond Tutu:

“If you are neutral in situations of injustice, you have chosen the side of the oppressor.”

What has been the reaction of reaction from whites of good conscience? More silence. The words of Chingachgook ring loud and true. Yes, they are a breed apart and make no sense. However, we all live on the same planet. We breathe the same air. Therefore, we share the:

• Responsibility- to create understanding among each other.
• Accountability- to hold each other accountable to what we say and do.
• Consequences- to understand the impact of our actions and inaction.
• Empowerment- to work together to transform our respective communities

I choose to believe that white people of good conscience default to the same behavior or inaction as people residing in communities of color for the same reasons… they are living in fear. Both communities live in fear of each other. The fear is based on stereotypes, biases, guilt, shame, denial and a host of many more reasons not mentioned.

The question in our respective communities is this: what do we do with our fear? The answer is that fear is simply a feeling. Because it is your fear, then:

• Take ownership of your fear.
• Embrace your fear.
• Be willing to take action, walking with your fear.

The land of the free is in danger and put at risk by those who now lead our country. We stand at the crossroads. WE and not them must choose the direction.

Safe journeys…

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“Choose your leaders with wisdom and foresight.  To be led by a coward is to be controlled by all that the coward fears.  To be led by a fool is to be led by the opportunists who control the fool.

To be led by a thief is to offer up your most precious treasures to be stolen.

To be led by a liar is to ask to be told lies. To be led by a tyrant is to sell yourself and those you love into slavery.”

-Octavia Butler

Until the next crossroads…  The journey continues…