I can’t let my son go (to college). I am very scared and concerned for his safety. It’s just not safe out there. He can stay at home, rent free, find a job, and leave when it’s safe. You asked when will that be? I don’t know. God will let me know.
– Anonymous Parent (mother)
I have a son 19 who wants to live the thug life. I’ve been paying his rent, utilities, cell phone and giving him a monthly stipend of $2,000.00. Following his last stint in jail for four months he wasted the $8,000.00 I had saved for him. Now, he’s back in jail, wanting me to get him an attorney. I have had enough. I will continue to pay his rent, utilities, and cell phone bill. Anything else he is going to have to do it on his own.
– Anonymous Parent (father)
I have a daughter who is away attending college out of state. This [is] the first time she has ever lived away from me. I have been calling her several times a day to check on her. She won’t tell me anything. She’s a good girl… and she’s smart. I am worried. I met her dorm mate. She seemed levelheaded. I know [that] I am being a helicopter parent. I am beginning to irritate my daughter. I don’t know what to do.
– Anonymous Parent (father)
My Dear Readers,
It is that special time of life that parents have been waiting for since the birth of their child… the ending of one stage of development, adolescence, and movement into the next stage, young adulthood. There is an old saying: “Be careful what you wish for because you just might get it”.
For many years, parents have been directing, supervising, managing, and guiding their children to this very day: adulthood. Many parents have thought, prayed, wished, and waited for the “freedom” the arrival that this very special moment is going to bring and yet, instead of waves of joy and relief, there may be feelings of unanticipated anxiousness, uncertainty, and unexpected fear.
The three quotes at the beginning of this blog represent statements from parents who have reached out expressing concerns about their children. However, the intent of this blog is to focus on the parents and not the young adults.
The common needs the three parents expressed in the quotes include:
- control
- protection
- resolution of parental fear
- provision of a safe and secured space for the young adult
The needs of the parent can create the following issues within the parent – young adult relationship:
- Conflict regarding parental control and freedom being sought by the young adult.
- Contradictions in parental boundaries and expectations of young adults.
- Confusion and lack of clarity in parental expectations and roles.
Transforming & Restructuring the Parent-Young Adult Relationship: The ABCs of Parent – Adult Interaction
As previously stated, the earlier roles of parental involvement in the daily lives of their children included:
- directing
- supervising
- managing
- providing guidance
One difficulty that is essential for parents to understand is the transforming and restructuring of the relationship with their child. Once the child attains adulthood, that change is permanent. They must understand that there is no returning to the prior status of childhood or adolescence. It is in this understanding that the parent realizes that the earlier parental role is now transformed into The ABCs of Parent Adult Interaction. This includes the following:
- (A) Advocate – as an advocate, the parent should be a good listener, be supportive, have awareness of all the necessary information, and be a good representative should such be called upon.
- (B) Background – being in the background, the parent avoids attracting attention, accepting a position of being less important while encouraging the young adult to step forward accepting responsibility in relationships, communications, and intimacy. The parent in the background can have an important effect on self-esteem and building confidence in the young person’s life.
- (C) Consultant – as a consultant, the parent is available “upon request” to provide coaching through important decisions, using one’s cumulative experience and knowledge to offer guidance on an issue identified by the young adult.
Concluding Remarks
My Dear Readers,
We do not live in a perfect world and therefore there is no perfect solution for the parents listed in the three quotes. Here are some recommendations:
- Conflict regarding parental control and freedom being sought as a young adult
Parents must resolve their own internalized fears. They must let go and allow their young adults the freedom they have now attained in adulthood. The mother who will not allow her son to go off to college is projecting her fear upon her son which places him in the situation of living in fear as well. Living at home rent free under the mother’s watchful eye is not a safety net; it is merely another form of incarceration.
- Contradiction in parental boundaries and expectations of young adults
Parents must clarify for themselves what are the boundaries and expectations of young adults. It is unrealistic to expect that a 19-year-old seeking to enjoy the “thug” life would be appreciative and act responsibility with a monthly stipend of $2,000. Understandably the free rent, utilities and cell phone are intended to keep the young adult at a distance yet in a safe place. However, the financial resources that he did not earn or achieve have been squandered and he is in the place where thugs eventually end up… jail. The father is living in fear and not validating the intended desires and actions of his son. The father has set the boundary of no more funds. The adult son will benefit from the lesson if the father maintains the boundary now set in place.
- Confusion and lack of clarity in parental expectations and roles
Parents must clarify for themselves the roles they seek to have within the lives of their young adults. Assuming the parent is successful in assisting the young adults in achieving values and clarity in direction, morals etc., then it is feasible to extend trust to the young adult in decision making and experiencing life outside the immediate purview of the parent. The status of helicopter parenting is one of living in fear, reinforcing lack of trust in the young adult. Continuations of such behavior will no doubt result in tension and most likely distancing as the young adult may seek alternate ways to engage in living life outside the purview of the hovering parent.
In closing, parenting a child to adulthood is accomplished by following many years of parental distress and joy. Once the child attains adulthood, the work of parenting is not over, done, or completed. The reality of being a parent is simple, being a parent is a lifetime vocation. However, similarly as parents seek for their child to make the transformation into adulthood… so must parents do the same.
So, consider the transformation to Advocates…Background…Consultants…
Until The Next Crossroads… The Journey Continues
Loving Me More 