The Unspoken Truth: Slave Play, White Fragility, and the Difficulty in Talking About Race

“While it is true that white fragility is an insidious trauma injury to people of color, white people are not raised to see themselves in terms of race.”

-Micheal Kane, Psy.D, Clinical Traumatologist

“When you are told time and time again you’re not good enough, that your opinion doesn’t matter as much; when they don’t just look past you, to them you’re not even there; when that has been your reality for so long, it’s hard not to let yourself think it’s true.”

– The Post

“What does race mean to the person of color?  Everything.  From the first breath taken in life to one’s dying day.  Race is incarceration or freedom.  Race is a door that is open or closed. Race is living life thriving or surviving. Race identifies that the space you occupy has been ‘designated’ for you and reinforces for you that others will seek to hold you there for the rest of your life.  Race is everything.”

-Micheal Kane, Psy.D., Clinical Traumatologist

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My Dear Readers,

I am currently preparing to leave for New York City to attend another Broadway play, A Soldier’s Story. It is a murder mystery set on a segregated military base located in Louisiana during WWII. When I return, I’ll share my thoughts. But as I prepare to experience another play with a strong racial interaction, I find myself reflective of the last play I saw and wrote about in the most recent blog, The Unspoken Truth: Slave Play and White Fragility.

I continue to replay the exchange at the conclusion of the play in which two white theater attendees chose to intellectualize the experience and in doing so, denied themselves the opportunity to explore their emotions. The opportunity was lost due to their inability to recognize the general space they occupy as “white spaces.”

The playwright brilliantly utilizes race, sex and trauma to demonstrate the privilege being displayed by the white characters and its impacts on the black characters.  The common theme of the black actors was that racial trauma accruing from not being listened to by their white partners resulted in sexual dysfunction.

The production has been criticized as negatively casting whites as being racist. In response, the playwright Jeremy O. Harris states:

“This isn’t about every white person. This play is about eight specific people and if you don’t see yourself up here, that’s great, you aren’t one of them-you aren’t.”

 

Given this, we can accept that racism is taught and feelings about race are internalized within the psychological self.  Experience has taught me that “every white man is not my enemy and every black man is not my friend.” Experience has also taught me to choose to focus on what lies in a person’s heart and in their actions.

 

One’s Heart & One’s Actions

Harriet Tubman, the Underground Railroad conductor, is one of my heroes.  It was her determination, courage and sense of purpose that empowered her to lead hundreds of slaves to freedom.  Harriet Tubman stated: “God don’t mean people to own people.”

As much as Harriet Tubman is deservedly revered, what is ignored is that she could not have accomplished her objective of carrying those to freedom without the assistance of whites who like her believed that “God don’t mean people to own people.”

However, when slavery ended, the good white folks, content that the objective had been accomplished, stepped away, leaving the newly freed slaves to fend for themselves and to “pull themselves up by their bootstraps.”  Feeling that the mission was accomplished, the good white people became silent to the lynching and screams of the new free blacks as they endured domestic terrorism from Klansmen dressed in white hoods and forced segregation via black codes and state and federal laws.

It is the same as in the Civil Rights Movement of the 1960’s. As Martin Luther King stated:

“Darkness cannot drive out darkness, only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate, only love can do that.”

Many whites stood up to walk with him and others and in doing so, were jailed, beaten and killed as well.  When federal civil rights laws, equal rights in housing and employment laws were passed, the “good” white people stepped away once again, feeling that the objective had been accomplished away to allowed the newly franchised people to, once again, “pull themselves up by their bootstraps.”

However, when drugs, crime, unemployment, educational failure and high incarceration ravaged the communities of color, the good white people once again became silent. Today, the majority of the good white people remain silent.

 

What is Privilege?

It is an unearned right, advantage, or immunity granted or available only to a particular group.

In the situation shared by the “good” white people during the slavery era and the civil rights movement of the 1960s, privilege was the ability to remain silent, be content, and simply walk away while others, the only difference being color of skin, continued to suffer.

 

The Crevasse of Fragility: White Privilege.

It is difficult for white people to talk about race.

“That which is fragile must be protected and defended regardless of the traumatic impact upon others.” – Dr. Micheal Kane

A crevasse refers to a deep hole within the earth. One can say that a crevasse exists in the relationships between whites and people of color. One characteristic of this deep hole is the weight of “privilege” being held by whites and how the privilege impacts these relationships.

When a person of color enters a room full of whites, that person is immediately scrutinized, held in suspicion, or seen as a curiosity.  Whites do not do the same to each other because, they are not raised to see other whites in terms of their race. White is the normal; all others merit curiosity at best, suspicion at worst.

Without recognizing they hold the privilege of whiteness, they have created the “innocence of spacing.”   This innocence creates the ability of white people to walk among people of color without recognizing general spaces as “white spaces”. It may be via this innocence that white people engage in actions and behaviors that are not intended to be racist and yet, are traumatically impactful to the person of color.

Let’s explore the following three examples, using these descriptive terms: (WP) white person and (POC) person of color, and (TI) looking at the possible traumatic impact.

 

Example #1: Get Out of My House 

POC and WP have a close friendship for many years.  While enjoying an activity at WP house, they get into a verbal tiff, the first over their many years of friendship. However, to POC’s surprise, WP orders POC to leave his residence.  POC pleads with WP about this action, but WP stands his ground.  POC leaves.  Several weeks later, WP invites POC to return to his home.

• Question: Was WP being racist for ordering POC out of his home?

Answer: No.  It was WP’s home.  WP has the right to determine who can be in his home.

Traumatic Impact– POC viewed the ejection as a flashback of past experiences of being rejected from “white premises.”

• Question: Will POC accept WP’s invitation to return to his residence?

Answer– Being that people of color have a repeated history of being rejected by whites, the POC assumed that, a history of friendship, that WP’s residence was a “safe place” and as a result of being ejected, that assumption was shaken.

Traumatic Impact -POC may now have conflicts, perhaps not about the friendship but about putting themselves at risk of being further traumatized by being ejected from the house again.

 

Example #2: The Status of being a N.O.T. (Novelty, Oddity and Token)

 POC is invited to a formal luncheon in a prestigious forum in which POC is the only non-white person in attendance. Following the event, as the guests are leaving, WP sitting next to him turns to POC and with a warm friendly smile, and says, “Thank you for coming, you represented well.”  POC is stunned, accepts the “compliment,” and smiles graciously while receiving another invitation for another formal engagement.

• Question: Was WP’s compliment racist?

Answer: Yes. WP did not turn to the other five table guests and thank them for coming.  Nor did he tell the five white guests that they “represented well.”

Traumatic Impact: POC may be responding to the trauma of invisibility.  This occurs when one’s talents and abilities are not recognized.  He realized that he was being stereotyped as extraordinary and as “one of the good ones.”

• Question: Will POC attend the formal engagement to which he was so “graciously” invited?

Answer: No.  Having been stunned by the truth as to his value as a N.O.T., the POC could find himself suddenly “unavailable” to attend the engagement.

Traumatic Impact: POC realizes that being observed and scrutinized and being “on show” is emotionally draining and psychologically overwhelming.

 

Example #3: The Anger Man

POC is engaging in a dialogue via email with WP with the intention of going on a date to further explore the relationship.  In the dialogue, the POC’s communications style is direct and the POC refers to something that WP said that was racially insensitive as being hurtful and triggered past experiences of racial trauma.  WP responds with an apology for “insulting” POC. Several days later WP emails POC stating the date is canceled due to the email encounter being intense and angry.

• Question: Was WP being offensive to POC by assuming that POC was insulted by the racially insensitive remark?

Answer: No.  POC stated he was triggered and hurt.  He never indicated he was insulted. The POC sought to provide understanding so WP could be aware. The POC knew that hurting or triggering them was not the WP intent.

Traumatic Impact: POC was triggered by words and in seeking to advocate for himself is once again being viewed as the angry black man.  Communication on both sides will terminate due to the fear of perception and labeling.

• Question: Is there a right or wrong in this situation?

Answer: No, it is the fear of being misperceived and mislabeled.  The reality is both parties are being misunderstood.

Traumatic Impact: Unfortunate, because of fear on both sides, what could had been, will never be.

 

Common Themes in the Examples 

• There was no intention of WP to create traumatic impact.
• The actions of WP triggered memories of unresolved trauma within POC.
• POC may respond in a manner that is psychologically restrictive.

 

Possible Lessons Beneficial for White People 

• Focus on the impact of the actions rather than your own intentions.
• Direct and open communication between WP can be viewed as advocacy and assertiveness, not something negative. Allow and expect the same between POC and WP.
• Novelties, oddities and tokens are to be observed in zoos, not at the dining table.

 

Concluding Remarks: Transforming White Fragility to Empowerment

The examples reflect microaggressions that happen daily to people of color.  Microaggressions are brief, common, and daily verbal, behavioral, or environmental indignities. Whether intentional or unintentional, they communicate hostile, derogatory, negative or prejudicial slights and insults towards any group, particularly culturally, racially or ethnically marginalized people.

I recall a comment made to me by a well-respected white male professor 35 years ago who questioned a high grade I’d received on scholarly paper I had written.  He asked, “There is a rumor going around among the faculty that the female students are writing your research papers in exchange for sex.  Is it true?”

I was dumbfounded.  I was expecting praise and accolades for excellence and instead I was being insulted and questioned, as the only black male in the class, if I was sexually gratifying my fellow white female graduate students.

I bled that day; the traumatic wound was raw during my two years of graduate study.  Did this highly respected scholar intend to wound me?  No, but I was wounded, nonetheless. To me, by stating that there was a rumor going around the faculty about me, he caused me to question what exactly the faculty thought about me.

If questioned today, I am sure that faculty member and others who may have shared his opinions would deny their racism or the intent to harm.  However, the comment was racist and more importantly, regardless of the intention, the outcome and impact of the comment on me was never considered.

Harriet Tubman, in achieving her freedom standing at the line separating the slave state from the free state, remarked:

“I had crossed the line.  I was free; but there was no one to welcome me to the land of freedom.  I was a stranger in a strange land.”

I feel Harriet Tubman’s words stirring in my blood and spirit.  Harriet Tubman, the Black Moses of the enslaved, led the terrorized, traumatized and inhumanly mistreated to the “Promise Land” of freedom.  Amen!

However, she could not have accomplished her objectives without the help of white people and freed blacks that supported her cause.  I too have benefited from relationships with well-meaning and caring white people. The depth of my gratitude is countless, ranging from:

• The female cafeteria worker who quietly fed free lunches to me, a scrawny colored kid in an all-white school, risking her employment.
• The teacher’s aide who understood the importance of education and assisted me in obtaining my general education diploma before being discharged from the military.
• The Associate Dean of the School of Social Work, Dr. Ted Teather, who patiently tolerated my immature student militancy and,
• A fellow student, colleague and good friend who stood by me following the death of my beloved spouse

All of these individuals contributed to my success and life’s journey without asking for anything in return.

Although privilege is an unmerited right, advantage, or immunity granted or available only to a particular group, it comes as a responsibility that becomes a burden when the weight is balanced.

No longer can the privileged hide behind:

• I pulled myself up by hard work
• I did it on my own! No one ever gave me a damn thing
• I sweated and earned my piece of the rock!
• My ancestors didn’t own slaves!

 

What can White People do about White Privilege?

When instances of white privilege are clearly apparent, the ABC’s of Empowerment can bring relief to the physical, psychological and emotional self.

• Advocacy-Speak to yourself, acknowledge your white privilege.
• Balance-Psychologically step away and embrace your white privilege while weighing what you are thinking and feeling.
• Calmness-While holding your psychological space, allow yourself to be centered and reflecting on ways to assist in the empowerment of others who do not hold the privilege.

“Just try new things. Don’t be afraid. Step out of your comfort zones and soar.”

-Michelle Obama

To those who choose to respond to white privilege and white fragility I say, it’s okay to be afraid.  Rather than be in fear, walk your landscape and in doing so, walk with your fear instead of living in it.

 

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Yesterday has passed, today is fading and the future has not been written.

Stay in the moment.

Experience the fullness of what life offers

today, letting go of today as you prepare for tomorrow.

-Dr. Micheal Kane

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You only are free when you realize you belong no place – you belong every place – no place at all. The price is high. The reward is great.

-Maya Angelou

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Standing Alone…. The Unspoken Truth

The Unspoken Truth: Slave Play and White Fragility

“The play shows the unconscious ways that white people take up space, that they don’t leave open for black people.”

-Jeremy O. Harris, playwright, Slave Play

“…[It’s] a whole bunch of stuff about how white people don’t get how racist they are.”

-Comments shouted by angered white woman to playwright Jeremy O. Harris during discussion session following play

“This isn’t about every white person.  This play is about eight specific people and if you don’t see yourself up here, that’s great, you aren’t one of them-you aren’t.  These are eight specific people that are in a play that is a metaphor for our country and therefore doesn’t represent every single person in it.”

-Jeremy O. Harris, playwright, (in response to the white woman’s criticism)

 

My Dear Readers,

As 2019 comes to an end, I would like you to join me in a recounting of my travels during the year. I’ve made two trips to Europe to research the psychological trauma experienced by African American soldiers fighting for democracy while under the command of white segregationist political and military leadership during World Wars I & II.

I also completed a 15,000-mile round trip journey to Ghana, West Africa where I stood at the Door of No Return at Elmina Castle.  It was through this narrow door that frightened and traumatized Africans were forced into the bellies of slave ships to be carted to the “New World” as human chattel.

Finally, I chose to do something very different and extraordinary to conclude the year. I took a 5,000-mile round trip excursion to see a Broadway play called Slave Play.

Slave Play, created by Jeremy O. Harris, boldly examines power, sex and history through the lens of three interracial relationships. In the play, Harris seeks to show how white people refuse to hear black people and how they don’t allow black people to work out the magnitude of their traumas in their presence.

Without giving too much away, the play depicts the lives of three interracial couples involved in a present-day therapy treatment program in which they act out their sexual dysfunction issues based on a treatment protocol known as Antebellum Sexual Performance Therapy (ASPT).  It is a radical role-play-based therapy intended to help black partners reengage intimately with white partners from whom they no longer receive sexual pleasure.

The scenes are set in the pre-Civil War South and move towards interactions set in the 21^st Century.  They depict psychosexual power games between an enslaved black person and a white Southerner with provocative items such as bull whips being symbolically utilized during demonstrations of domination and submission.

During the first scene, there are three vignettes of seduction and copulation:

• A female slave who seduces Massa Jim by throwing herself on the cabin floor and twerking.
• A sexually frustrated Southern belle bounces seductively on her great big canopied bed and her very handsome servant has no choice but to service his lusty mistress.
• A white indentured servant sexually gratifies his black overseer.

The ASPT concludes in the final act of the play with the three couples processing and talking through the experience. Though it is apparent that the therapy is supposed to focus on the black characters, the white characters wouldn’t shut up and allow them to process their thoughts. This demonstrates the playwright’s clear intent to show the failure of whites to receive information about the traumatic experiences that their black lovers so desperately want to share.

Unlike films of this genre, plays make the audience actively participating observers. The films usually focus on the white master or mistress’s inhumane treatment of humans whose only difference is the color of their skin.  Scenes of rape, brutality, violence, and unimaginable cruelty dominate and in doing so, often forces the psychological self of the white observer to retreat in horror, shame and, most importantly, denial of what is truth in American history.

The brilliance of Slave Play is that its focus is not on the physical torment of enslaved peoples but rather on encouraging the audience to listen to the psychological trauma that arises from those traumatized.

The play seeks to confront the past and yet also focus on the unhealed wounds of the present while not shying away from causing possible discomfort to its white audience. It is a willfully provocative and entertaining production.

 When White Discomfort Transforms into White Fragility

“This isn’t about every white person.  This play is about eight specific people and if you don’t see yourself up here, that’s great, you aren’t one of them-you aren’t.” 

-The words of Jeremy O. Harris, playwright, in response to numerous calls for the play’s removal from the theatrical stage.

During an interaction with the playwright, one white audience member angrily storms out the event, yelling that “I have undergone hardships ranging from rape to false arrest to single motherhood. How am I not marginalized?”

Is this woman and women like her marginalized? Given her statement, yes, she is. However, her words and actions reflect her inability to provide space for the expression of traumatic impact in the lives of others.  Her discomfort has now been publicity transformed into an example of “White Fragility”.

It would be a mistake to focus on the question “why are white people so fragile?”. Questions that lead with “why” are circular and distract from fully examining the foundation of the issue. With that in mind, let’s seek to answer the issues of white fragility utilizing the framework of “what”.

• What is white fragility?
• What is the foundation of white fragility?
• What is the behavior of white fragility?
• What is the expectation of white people towards people of color regarding white fragility?

What is white fragility?

White fragility is a form of aversive racism that encourages individuals to engage in interactions with people of color by overtly denying racist intent while acting in ways that feel racist to the person being impacted.

What is the foundation of white fragility?

White people are not raised to see themselves in terms of race or to see general spaces as “white spaces”.  Consequently, this insulation can render white people “innocent” of the concept of race.  It is this “innocence” that gives rise to white fragility.

What is the behavior of white fragility?

When the behavior is pointed out to the white person, the white person reacts, often negatively, to the concept that they are racist, and expects the person of color to be sensitive to their racial innocence, requiring the person of color to make them feel safe including:

• A softer tone
• Looking deeper for their intent
• Disregard the impact of their actions
• Never giving feedback again.

What is the expectation of white people towards people of color regarding white fragility?

People of color are expected to provide safe nurturing environments for white people, regardless of the psychological danger to themselves and if this is not provided, the person of color is regarded as unforgiving, unkind and oversensitive.

 

White Fragility and Insidious Trauma

People of color may develop feelings of powerlessness and hopelessness as they continue to be psychologically and emotionally impacted by white fragility.  This form of trauma is insidious due to its nature of constantly denigrating and demeaning the intelligence, skills, capacities, and the value of the lives of people of color.

Awareness of Reactions & Responses

Reactions to white fragility may create fight or flight responses which prepare the physical body, the intellectual mind, and the psychological self to react to danger.  However constant, repetitive triggering of these reactions also release hormones such as cortisol, which contribute to weight gain, heart damage, and other stress-related health issues.

 

Healing from White Fragility

When instances of white fragility arise, the ABC’s of Empowerment can bring relief to the physical, psychological and emotional self.

• Advocacy– Speak up for yourself and don’t depend on others to do so on your behalf.
• Balance– Psychologically step away and embrace your emotions while weighing what you’re feeling and thinking.
• Calmness-While holding your psychological space, allow yourself to be centered as you deliver your external response.

 

Concluding Words

“White Fragility is the discomfort and defensiveness on the part of the white person when they are confronted by information about racial inequality and injustice.”

-Dr. Robin DiAngelo, author

My Dear Readers,

As I was exiting the play, I overheard the comments of two white males who’d also been in attendance. One asked the other “what did you think about the play?  The other individual responded, “It was interesting.”

Interesting.  Only interesting?  The question was a set up for denial of feelings.  Because the question did not focus on feelings i.e. “what did you feel about the play?” The person asking the question subsequently gave the respondent “a way out” from touching the foundation of his feelings.

This answer kept both the questioner and the respondent on the intellectual level and denied them, as well the white actors, the insight and willingness of exploring the foundation of the traumas being felt by black actors.

As I stood there absorbing the remark, I understood the benefit of traveling the 5,000 miles to allow the psychological self to experience a theatrical performance that provided the reality of psychological trauma of not only of those sold into bondage but also of those who continue to experience traumas 400 years later.

Sitting in that theater, if willing, one could conceptualize the commentary among buyers as they ignored the pleading cries of fellow humans held in bondage as they sold and bartered for them like cattle.  Interesting, indeed.

While it is true that white fragility is an insidious trauma injury to people of color, white people are not raised to see themselves in terms of race. This inability to see themselves in terms of race and consequently “innocent of race” does not prevent them from inflicting invasive and psychologically traumatic wounds that persist. So, claims of “my ancestors did not own slaves” does not absolve them of the guilt and shame of knowing that the white majority profited from slavery. Their denial of what is true only serves to reinforce their white fragility.

 

What can White People do about White Fragility? 

When instances of white fragility arise, the ABC’s of Empowerment can bring relief to the physical, psychological and emotional self.

• Advocacy– Speak to yourself, acknowledge your white fragility and do so even when others refuse to do the same.
• Balance-Psychologically step away and embrace your white fragility while weighing what you are feeling and thinking.
• Calmness-While holding your psychological space, allow yourself to be centered as you deliver your external response and move forward to live the life you want and not the life you have.

New Possibilities

Life is a journey filled with new possibilities.

And sometimes because of the person you are, or have become, you find yourself in the right place at the right time for…

New possibilities

-Micheal Kane

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Because my mouth
Is wide with laughter
And my throat
Is deep with song,
You do not think
I suffer after
I have held my pain
So long?

Because my mouth
Is wide with laughter
You do not hear
My inner cry?
Because my feet
Are gay with dancing
You do not know
I die?”
― Langston Hughes

 

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“I, too, sing America.

I am the darker brother.
They send me to eat in the kitchen
When company comes,
But I laugh,
And eat well,
And grow strong.

Tomorrow,
I’ll be at the table
When company comes.
Nobody’ll dare
Say to me,
“Eat in the kitchen,”
Then.

Besides,
They’ll see how beautiful I am
And be ashamed–

I, too, am America.”
― Langston Hughes

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I will begin the New Year by returning to New York in January 2020 to see another Broadway production regarding the impact of trauma on African Americans.  This play, A Soldier Play, takes place on a Louisiana army base in 1944 where a black Sergeant is murdered and a black investigator must fight with his white leadership to find out the truth.

Blessings to all in the coming year!!

 

Standing Alone… The Unspoken Truth

The Unspoken Truth: The Real Black Man, Standing Alone

“I stand alone.” ABC… Assertive, Boldness & Collective…. Empowered. I stand alone.”

-Dr. Micheal Kane Psy.D. Clinical Traumatologist & Forensic Evaluator

“As an individual, the Negro is docile, tractable, lighthearted, carefree, and good natured.  If unjustly treated, he is likely to become surly and stubborn.  He is careless, shiftless, irresponsible, and secretive.  He is immoral, untruthful, and his sense of right doing is relatively inferior.  Crimes and convictions involving moral turpitude are nearly five to one compared to convictions of whites in similar charges.”

– Army War College Report 1936 Edgerton (p.121)

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My Dear Readers,

In this blog writing, I return to a second installation of the new blog series, The Unspoken Truth.  In this series, we focus on historical and inter-generational trauma experiences of members’ experiences of members of the African-American diaspora.

In the quote below, Edgerton quotes a White Officer on the USS Siboney who witnessed the forced isolation of the sole African-American officer aboard the ship as it returned from France following WWI.  He states:

 “Each night before retiring, it was my habit to take a number of turns around the deck and the Negro captain did the same, walking in the opposite direction.  The first time we passed, I always said, “Good Evening Captain,” and he would reply “Good Evening Lieutenant.”  To my best belief, these were the only words spoken to him during the nearly 10 days at sea.”  Edgerton (p.99).

In the blog Standing Alone in the Black Community, I sought to focus on three variables that impact how we, as a community, a parent, or an individual psychologically interact with our daughters and sons:  aloneness, shaming and abandonment.

I would be one of the first to acknowledge that my writing is deliberate, but not delicate.  I write with love for the African-American diaspora and understand that this community does not yet love itself. As a result, the community tends to quickly turn against its own members and in doing so, psychologically destroys its best and brightest by isolating, shaming and abandoning them, like what happened to former Police Officer Arthur Williams of the Baltimore Police Department.

There is where the difference lies…. Officer Williams was under the mistaken impression that his superiors, fellow officers, union and community “had his back.”  Therefore, he had “open and irrevocable trust.”

I am under no such impression.  I stand alone.  My objective is to teach, model and educate those individuals who are inclined to listen, and to also… Stand Alone.  I remember to:

“Respect all, love all, yet remember that trust is earned, not given away to the undeserving.”

– Micheal Kane, Ten Flashes Of Light

This week, I received some reasonable criticism that I want to discuss.

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Dear Dr. Kane,

 I am a black man living in central Ohio.  I am writing to share my opinion of a blog that a friend forwarded to me.  Upon reading it several times, to be honest I had to have a shot of whiskey to contain myself. 

 I am truly disgusted with you and your words.  Your words insulted me as a black man and embarrassed and shamed our community.  I cannot believe that you would tell black children not to trust their elders.  I am one of those men who are committed to the children’s success. 

 Each year a group of us arrived at a school to ensure that the children have a positive first day at school.  We do form lines, clapping and cheering the children as they are entering the building.  However, we also provide backpacks, school supplies and since funding is limited, we give funding for sports equipment.  Some of the members stay for lunch and eat with the kids, sharing stories and asking questions about their lives. 

 You are wrong to say that we don’t care.  You are wrong to say that the children should not trust us.  You have caused a disservice to your people.  At first, I even question whether you were really a black man.  It was confirmed when I went online and saw your picture.  

 All I can do is shake my head.  I wonder where did you grow up?  Have you ever lived around black people?   You clearly did not attend a HBCU.  You write and think like a white man.  Do black people really come to see you and listen to the garbage that you write about? 

Instead of being a counselor, you need to be seeing a counselor and getting your own head examined.

 There is only one word I got for you that is Uncle Tom.  You are doing the white’s man work and messing us up.  I hope you are ashamed of yourself.    God knows, we are.  Good Riddance

 A Real Black Man

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My Dear Readers,

Hmm.  Usually in my opening statements I write to the “general readership” and at the end I direct my concluding remarks to a specific group or population.  Today, however, I will direct ALL of my comments to my Black/African-American Brothers.

 

My Black/African-American Brothers,

To begin with, I appreciate that “A Real Black Man” spoke respectfully while sharing his opinion, and I respect that he took the time to share that feedback with me.  Having said that, there are some points that I want to share with this reader.

In general, I find that the moniker “A Real Black Man” is problematic—this comes as no surprise to regular readers of this blog for reasons I have expounded upon in earlier writings and will likely do again, but that is not what I want to focus on here.  The flaw in his feedback on the piece is not in his perception of himself, however, but with his inability to sit with his feelings before sharing such feelings as his response.  “A Real Black Man” alleges the following:

• He is disgusted and insulted. My words have embarrassed and ashamed the community. Consequently, he needs a shot of whiskey to contain himself in order to deal with my statements.
• The group provides backpacks, school supplies and funding for sporting equipment. Some of the group members stay for lunch and eat with the kids, sharing stories and asking questions about their lives.
• I am wrong to say that the group of men doesn’t care. Furthermore, I am wrong to say that the children should not trust them.  Lastly, I have done a great disservice to black people

Then come the personal attacks:

• Questioning whether I am actually black and where I grew up or whether I grew up among black people
• Questioning the school I attended and racial types in the manner of my thinking and writing

Then profession attacks:

• Questioning whether black people come to see me as a counselor
• Suggesting that instead of providing counseling, I should be seeing a counselor i.e. have my head examined

And in conclusion, deriding my racial heritage:

• Defining me as an “Uncle Tom”
• Individual shaming – i.e. “You should be ashamed”
• Group shaming – i.e. “God knows we are”
• Abandonment i.e. “Good riddance”

What does this tell us about “A Real Black Man?”

 

He is disgusted and insulted. My words have embarrassed and shamed the community.  He requires a shot of whisky to contain himself.

At the end of the last blog, I suggested the following:

My brothers, if you are angry after reading this, I invite you to be with that anger. Feel it out and inquire of yourself why you feel that way. Accept that anger as a natural part of you but get curious about what you have experienced that has triggered that in you.

Transformation and self-discovery can only occur by exploring the depth of your feelings and finding the root cause of it, instead of mindlessly finding a way to just dull the symptoms of it. Be willing to walk the journey of self-discovery with yourself.

As black men, we are psychologically wounded. We have endured. We have suffered. And we have survived. Healing is our responsibility. Now is the time to empower the psychological self. 

The missed opportunity in “A Real Black Man’s” response result from his inability or unwillingness to “sit with his feelings.” In his failure to do so, he does not allow himself the space to embrace what he is feeling and evaluate it and craft a response.  Instead, he makes the error of allowing his feelings to be his response.

My advice to “A Real Black Man” and others who of similar disposition is to engage in the clinical processing of “The Five R’s of RELIEF.  Specifically:

• Respite-take whatever time is desired, step away from what you have read.
• Reactions –embrace whatever you are feeling, because these feelings are yours and must stay with you.
• Reflections- continue to process your feelings and thoughts. Find your center.
• Response- respond to your internal world and then share a response with your external environment.
• Reevaluate-review your actions and behaviors. Consider what was done and whether such actions are to be revised and/or repeated.

Furthermore, I would encourage “A Real Black Man” and others who of similar disposition not to engage in consuming alcoholic drinks to relieve their distress.  One should consider and weigh the impacts of alcohol as a requirement to process information. Such behaviors are clear indicators of inappropriate ways and means of handling distressful situations.

 

The group provides backpacks, school supplies and funding for sporting equipment.  Some of the group members stay for lunch and eat with the kids, sharing stories and asking questions about their lives. 

Although the provision of backpacks, school supplies and funding for sporting equipment may be beneficial to young black boys and girls, as well as sharing lunch, stories etc., most of these children are in psychological and emotional need from the group of black men.  What is needed is to clinch the Five Cs of Connective Understanding:

• Commitment-partnership between the group, the individual student(s), the school district.
• Consistency-involvement that transcends the “opening day welcome to school”
• Comradeship-creation, ownership, and maintenance of individual relationships
• Community-the group of men must want to become a permanent installation of the school setting, maintaining a presence in the classroom, the hallways, and through mentorship
• Communications-vulnerability, exposure and trust in developing and maintaining “open” communication with individual students, teachers and parents

 

It is wrong to say that the group of men doesn’t care.  Furthermore, it is wrong to that the children should not trust them.  Lastly, I have done a great disservice to black people.

Again, “A Real Black Man,” without taking a respite or embracing his feelings, is allowing his feelings to be his response to my writing.  The question is not whether the group of black men care—I assume that they do.  The questions are these:

• What are the psychological impacts of “caring” without follow through?
• What can be done to either prevent psychological wounding or bring healing to those currently wounded?

Clearly a psychological tool to be added to a child’s “toolkit” is empowerment.  In “Ten Flashes of Light,” I encourage black children to:

• To be successful with school and workplace politics: decide after careful consideration who to trust.Then trust with caution and consistently verify.
• Respect all, love all, yet remember that trust is earned, not given away to the undeserving.
• When a person exposes the true self to you, embrace the action and treat it as a gift.

 

 Personal & Professional Attacks

The personal and professional attacks by “A Real Black Man” are examples of forced aloneness (isolation), shaming, and abandonment trauma that are often used by members of the African-American community to instill fear, force compliance and, and ensure adherence by members to group norms.  Such methods are “holdovers” from methods used by slavers and slave owners to terrorize and traumatize newly captured black male and female slaves.

These methods continue to be used inter-generationally to traumatize current and future generations.  Again, an example would be former police officer Arthur Williams who went from being a loving community icon to becoming a pariah in his community.

The message from the community is simple: We will isolate you, we will shame you, and most importantly, during your time of desperation and need, we will abandon you.

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 Concluding Words-Dr. Kane

My Dear Brothers,

In 1670 John Ray wrote that:

“The road to hell is paved with bricks made with good intentions.”

An intention is an idea that you plan (or intend) to carry out.  If you plan to carry it out, if you mean something, it’s an intention.  Your goal, purpose, or aim is your intention. Where we often fail is in failing to balance the outcome with the intent. My Brothers, there is a saying:

“Beware of Greeks bearing gifts.” – Virgil, The Aeneid (II, 49) 

It means to not trust enemies bringing who bring you presents, for they could very well be playing a trick. You may not be the enemy in this situation, but encouragement and no follow through causes one to consider whether or not you are bringing gifts full of false promises leading to psychological and emotional wounding.

For example, in showing up at different elementary schools year after year, offering cheers, words of encouragement, maybe staying for lunch and getting that “photo opportunity” there may be the intent to do “good works” and yet there is no consideration of the possible outcome of psychological or emotional impacts once you or your group leaves until next year.

Again…. Rather than attack the messenger for delivering the message, take a moment; I invite you to be with that anger. Feel it out and inquire of yourself why you feel that way. Accept that anger as a natural part of you but get curious about what you have experienced that has triggered that in you.

Have the willingness to ask yourselves the following questions:

• Are my actions (not my intention) creating a possible psychological or emotional wounding for these children?
• Remembering my own childhood, how did I feel about loss? How did I respond to a significant figure stepping into my life and subsequently disappearing?
• What can I do to create a positive and consistent impact on a child’s life?

My Brothers, in wrapping up my comments, I want to acknowledge that we as men can love our community, be concerned about our children and in doing so, select multiple ways to accomplish our objective.  I also want to acknowledge that many of us if not all have suffered psychological wounds along the journey we call LIFE.

How we address our individual journeys relies on how we choose to treat our wounds.  There are those who will seek the validation of others; there are those who will seek relief through drugs, alcohol, sex, and there are those who will seek domination via control and violence.

As a black man striving for psychological wholeness in a psychologically unforgiving environment, my preference is to sit on a therapist’s couch and find a safe place where I can allow the release submerged feelings and in doing so, not take my rage out on a world that seeks to minimize or ignore my pain.

Simply put, if we divide the world of black men in half, there are those who are permanently disabled and therefore discarded by a hostile and non-caring society, and there are those who are walking wounded, working through the ongoing struggle to maintain sanity in a hostile and non-caring society.  The first group are the walking dead, waiting for the end to appear, whereas the second group seeks to empower themselves and create a psychologically healthy life…but only if they are willing to grasp the opportunity.

My objectives are simple:

• To aid in healing the psychological and emotionally wounded,
• To reinforce the psychological self and in doing so assist others to walk the journey of self-discovery,
• To teach, model and mentor those who chose the difficult path as I have chosen that being to … STAND ALONE.

 

Standing Alone

I have been wounded.  I can heal the Self.

I can bend… I will not be broken.

I will fail.  I have fallen..

I have risen.  I will succeed.

I am determined.

Standing Alone…I will walk the journey of Self. Discovery

-Dr. Micheal Kane

 

Standing Alone….. The Unspoken Truth

The Unspoken Truth: Standing Alone Within The Black Community

“I get on and off the mat every damn day.  Every day I go in and face people who either ignore or disrespect me. I feel alone and abandoned. Every day I trudge forward.  Every day.” – Mark

“You niggers are wondering how you are going to be treated after the war.  Well, I’ll tell you, you are going to be treated exactly like you were before the war; this is a white man’s country and we expect to rule it.” -New Orleans (LA) White City Official Welcome Home Greeting to African-American Troops returning from combat WWI (Barbeau & Henri 1974, p.173)

“In 1943, in Centerville, Mississippi, a white sheriff intervened in a fistfight between a white soldier and black one.  After the black solider got the upper hand, the sheriff shot him to death, then asked the white soldier, “Any more niggers you want killed?’ (Edgerton, 2001, p.136)

“I was utterly powerless.  The State has no troops, and if the civil authorities in Ellisville are helpless, the State is equally so.  Furthermore, excitement is at such a high pitch through South Mississippi that any attempt to interfere with the mob would doubtless result in the death of hundreds of persons.  The Negro confessed, says he is ready to die, and nobody can keep the inevitable from happening.”

-Governor Theodore Bilbo of Mississippi, on why he didn’t stop a lynching                    (Barbeau & Henri 1974, p.177)

———————————————

My Dear Readers:

There are three major stressors that can strike or induce fear within the core of the psychological self of the African-American individual.  These stressors are the following:

• Aloneness- Whatever the activity or environment, (social, work, recreational, etc.,) the African-American individual is usually the easily recognized minority within the group. At some point the individual struggles with isolation and lack of group identification.
• Shame is a powerful emotion. Shaming is often utilized in the African-American community to maintain adherence to group norms.  It may lead to a wide range of mental health and public health impacts for individuals including self-esteem/concept issues, depression, addiction, eating disorders, bullying, suicide, family violence, and sexual assault.
• Abandonment can result from being impacted by both aloneness and shame. Abandonment is a subjective emotional state where the individual feels undesired, left behind or discarded. People experiencing emotional abandonment may feel lost and cut off from a crucial source of support either suddenly or through a process of gradual erosion.  Rejection, which is a significant component of emotional abandonment, has a biological impact in that it activates the physical pain centers in the brain and can leave an emotional imprint in the brain’s warming system.

Simply stated, unwanted loneliness, shaming and abandonment can be traumatic and have direct devastating impacts on the individual’s psychological self and physical health.

In this new blog series, The Unspoken Truth, we will focus on historical and inter-generational trauma experiences of members of the African-American diaspora.  The African-American diaspora refers to communities of people outside of the United States who are descended from people of African descent who were enslaved in the United States or the prior British colonies along the east coast of North America.

The above three quotes are taken from my publication Our Blood Flows Red: Trauma and African-American Men in Military Service: Clinical Implications for Working with African-American Veterans with Complex Trauma (2010).  Within the writing, I cite numerous incidents and experiences of African-American veterans in military service from the American Civil War through Desert Storm.

As this blog article is being published I am visiting the Museé du Louvre in Paris, France, researching the participation of black (colored) troops during WWI.

 

So why is the blog writing The Unspoken Truth important? 

• The Unspoken Truth is important because as the African American author Cynthia A. Patterson has stated:

“Those who don’t know their history are doomed to repeat it.  You have to expose who you are so that you can determine what you need to become.”

• The Unspoken Truth is important because of men and women like former Baltimore Police Officer & US Marine Corps Veteran Arthur Williams who are committed to public service and who have often given this nation the “supreme sacrifice.”

• The Unspoken Truth is important because the African-American community must never forgot that its children often STAND ALONE. We must never abandon our sons & daughters. 

• The Unspoken Truth is important because” ‘To err is human’ is a common expression, but we should not believe there is always room for error. In some cases, there is no room for error.  None. “ -Ten Flashes of Light, The Journey of Self Discovery (Dr. Micheal Kane)

 

Those who don’t know their history are doomed to repeat it.  You have to expose who you are so that you are determined what you need to become.”- Cynthia A. Patterson

Many do not know that two segregated divisions (eight regiments) of African-American soldiers (the 92^nd and 93^rd) served in the American Expeditionary Forces (AEF) fighting in France.  These troops were not allowed to fight under the American flag and instead were “loaned” to the French military, serving under the French flag, wearing French uniforms and using equipment supplied by the French government.

One of these regiments, the 369^th “Harlem Hell-Fighters,” served in combat 191 days longer than any other unit in the AEF.  They gave no ground, and not a single soldier deserted or was taken prisoner.  The 369^th regiment was highly valued by the French High Command and was rewarded by being given the honor of being the first unit of the Allied armies to cross the Rhine into Germany.   The French commander General Goybet, in referring to the stamina of the African-American soldier stated:

“The most formidable defenses, the strongest machine gun nests, the most crushing artillery barrages were unable to stop them.  These superior troops have overcome everything with supreme disdain of death, and thanks to their courageous sacrifice, for nine days of hard fighting always maintained the front rank in the victorious advance.”

At the end of the war, General Goybet, speaking directly to the African-American soldiers said:

“Dear friends from America, when you re-cross the ocean, do not forget the Red Hand Division.  Our pure brotherhood in arms has been consecrated in the blood of the brave.  These bonds will never be severed.  Always keep the memory of your general, who is proud of having been your commander, and remember his affectionate gratitude.”

However, the African-American soldiers were never allowed to celebrate and were never recognized for their participation in the war.  Towards the conclusion of WWI, when African American combat troops were reassigned back to American military command, they were not allowed to participate in the victory parade in Paris on Bastille Day.  Furthermore, the white American command denied their representation in the huge war mural, “Le Pantheon de la Guerre,” which depicts representations of all allied soldiers who contributed to the final victory.

The final humiliation occurred when these same African-American soldiers, combat hardened from many battles, were assigned to labor battalions charged with recovering unexploded artillery shells and reburying the war dead, highly psychologically and physically traumatizing work.

 

Men and women like former Baltimore Police Officer & US Marine Corps Veteran Arthur Williams who are committed to public service and who have often given to this nation the ‘supreme sacrifice”

 Following the most recent blog The Visible Man: Balancing the Black Code of Silence on the Thin Blue Line, I received scathing rebuke for my support of Officer Williams and my “shaming” of the African-American community regarding its lack of support, its abandonment and its unyielding criticism of the black police officer following the release of the video nationwide.

Officer Williams has been charged but has pleaded not guilty. He has not had his day in court.  However, he has already been convicted in the court of public opinion, particularly within the black community.  Of most concern were the open relentless public attacks by leading black media:

• “He resigned because of the shame of letting his people down was to much to bear.”
• “Arthur Williams, you have become what your community hates.”
• “An investigation has been ordered. What the hell is an investigation needed for?  We investigated the video all weekend.  We can clearly see what is going on.”

These are examples of chronic or excessive shaming.  The primary objective is to make the targeted person feel unworthy, defective and empty.   Shame can be debilitating, toxic and extremely destructive.  Shame separates the individual from the psychological self.  It creates an internal crisis that attacks the inner core, triggering a downward spiral of negative self-talk.

Shame can be defined in several ways:

• A painful emotion caused by a strong sense of guilt, embarrassment, unworthiness or disgrace.
• An act that brings dishonor, disgrace or public condemnation.
• An object of great disappointment.

 

The African-American community must never forget that its children often STAND ALONE.  We must never abandon our sons & daughters.  NEVER.

Across the United States, the fall season of 2018 marks the beginning of another academic school year.  For many of these youngsters, this time marks the beginning of the latest leg of their journey of academic achievement.  It is also a reality that due to a shortage of African-American male teachers, administrators, mentors, counselors and other allied staff, m many of these youngsters will never see or engage with appropriate male figures of their same ethnicity during their formative educational journeys.

To attempt to fill the gap and provide experiences for these children, African-American males from various professions and occupations throughout the nation have begun to welcome these children to their first days of school and encourage their positive start to the school year.  Many of these men arrive in business suits, and uniforms/equipment representing their diverse professions, trades and occupations.

The message that is communicated both verbally and by their presence is that “we are here to support you” and “you are not alone’ and “we stand with you”.  The children rush to line up and receive “high fives,” cheers and applause from these male role models as they march into the building or classroom.

Let’s assume that one of these children lives in a single parent household was so inspired by one of these men that he decided to dedicate to his life to public service.  Let’s assume that the visual presentation of these men modeled for this young child teamwork, brotherhood and images as to what a black man stood for.

Let’s assume that this experience led to him joining the United States Marine Corps and serving two tours in combat risking his life for his country.  Then let’s assume that following military service, this young man became a police officer in the community that he grew up.  Duty, honor, teamwork, and brotherhood were his foundation from observing those men as a little boy who did not have father figure in the home.

Then let’s assume that this young man has become an icon for his community, a loving husband, an excellent father, providing care for his disabled mother and when possible, serving in mentorship roles for black boys who grew up “just like him.”  All of this beginning with the observation of those committed black men who came to his elementary school every year to provide support and encouragement.

Then one fateful day…. this young man, usually calm when working with members of the community, loses his cool and assaults a citizen while in the process of carrying out his duties as a law enforcement officer.  Following the incident, his employers and the community he has served both vilify the young man in the media and turned him into a pariah.

Twenty years ago, this little boy looked up to the group of men and trusted that they would be there for him.  Yesterday he was a valued member of his community, well respected.  Today, without having the opportunity to tell his side, he has been branded by public opinion and rejected by the community he loves. Consequently, he must now respond to the three major stressors that can induce fear within the core of the psychological self of the African-American individual; loneliness, being shamed, and abandonment.

 

“To err is human” is a common expression, but we should not believe there is always room for error.  In some cases, there is no room for error.  None. “Ten Flashes of Light, The Journey of Self Discovery (Dr. Micheal Kane)

Prior to leaving for Paris, France, I had a therapy session involving a young African-American male whom I will call Mark.  He is an articulate, well-spoken college educated African-American man in his 30s who has been married five years and recently announced that he and his spouse were pregnant.  Mark has no history of arrest/convictions. Mark is a low-level manager in the service industry.

Mark initially came to therapy to process his feelings of workplace invisibility and conflict stating the following:

 “I get on and off the mat ever damn day.  Every day I go in and face people who either ignore or disrespect me. I feel alone and abandoned. Every day I trudge forward.  Every day.”

The evening that Mark came to session, he was enraged, reacting to three incidents that had occurred the prior day.   First, he had the ongoing stress of having to wear the “mask of politeness” while dealing with people who he felt disrespected him daily.  Second, he had a bitter and intense argument with his spouse, who he felt, due to the pregnancy, was being a ‘bitch.”

To cool off from these two events, Mark decides to see the movie Won’t You Be My Neighbor, about Fred Rogers of Mr. Rogers’ Neighborhood, selecting  this movie because of its “calming and aesthetic qualities.” As the movie begins, Mark pulls out his cell phone to turn off the sound, and a white male sitting behind him, under the mistaken belief that Mark is about to talk on the phone during the movie, throws a handful of napkins at him, initiating the third and most significant incident.

The napkins miss Mark’s head narrowly, but Mark turns to the man and loudly shouts in front of many (also white) witnesses:

“I will kill you if you ever throw anything at me again.”

Mark subsequently sits back down to watch the movie. As he does, the anger brews within Mark.  Following the end of the movie, Mark has a few choice words with the man and then proceeds to lie in wait for him at the exit door.

The man, seeing Mark outside the door waiting on him, instead sent his female date to the exit to see if the “coast was clear’.  Upon spotting Mark, she begins talking on her cell.  Mark, assuming she was calling 911, abruptly left the area.  As for the storm of anger, fortunate for the man and Mark himself, that storm exploded in my office instead.

In session, Mark is sober and intense.  The incident at the theater is over, but Mark is still triggered.  So, I asked the question: what was your plan once the man came out of the theater?  Mark exploded with the following:

• I wanted to go through him
• I wanted to break him into a thousand pieces
• I wanted to destroy him
• “You don’t throw things at a grown man…He broke the rule”
• This guy represented everything I hate about my life.

There it is.  Mark was able to see that real issue wasn’t the third incident; rather it was really about the totality of him being a black man having to endure disrespect and invisibility on a daily basis.  Mark was able to realize that he had, for just that moment, lost his perspective, and in doing so, placed himself at risk of being arrested, convicted and possibly shot if the wrong police officer were to arrive—incidents that would no doubt significantly impact his life and the life of his family.

Fortunately, during the therapy session, Mark was able to step away (take a respite,) hold his feelings (embrace his reactions,) walk the journey (reflect on his feelings & thoughts,) share his words (respond externally,) and then consider alternative strategies (reevaluate his actions.)  The goal of doing this is to assist Mark in “getting on and off the mat every damn day” while avoiding the possibility of enduring damaging consequences.    His reality is simple… whether he likes it or not, he must return to that mat “every damn day.”

“To err is human”….. In some cases, there is no room for error. 

—————————————————————

Concluding Words

My Dear Readers,

I write for the general readership, but in some cases, I address concluding words to specific populations.  In the last blog, I addressed my concluding words to the African-American community.  Today, I address my remarks to three specific groups:

• The little black boys and girls who are beginning their first days in elementary school.
• The group of black men standing at the school house; representing professions, occupations and trades who come to the elementary school house every fall term to welcome the children to school.
• African-American parents.

 

The little black boys and girls

My Dear Little Ones,

As you begin your journey, I encourage you to stay focused and remember that no matter what your dreams are, only you can make your dreams come true.  There may come a time in which individuals will offer words of encouragement or “promises” seeking to motivate your success. Remember:

• Learn to be careful with who you choose to share. Decide after careful consideration who to trust. Then trust with caution and consistently verify.
• Respect all, love all, and yet remember that trust is earned, not given away, to the undeserving.

 

The group of black men standing at the schoolhouse.

“Beware of Greeks bearing gifts.” – Virgil, The Aeneid (II, 49)

My Dear Brothers,

Every year around the beginning of the school year, I always get a call from so & so individual or organization stating that “the brothers” are going to show up at a school to welcome back black youngsters and encourage them to have a good school year.  The only requirement is that the men must appear in either suits/ties or the uniform and tools of their professions.

I always politely decline.  My response is always the same.  I’m busy.  What, too busy to welcome back black boys and girls?  Nope, too busy preparing to assist the psychologically wounded and emotionally devastated little and big ones who are isolated, alone and abandoned after you welcome them back to school.

My dear brothers, arriving at school wearing your suits and uniforms, clean shaven and smelling good are great for the imagery and photo opportunities that you will no doubt receive in the media.  However, what happens after the cameras are gone? My brothers, are you in the classrooms?  Are you in the hallways?  Are you mentoring our youngsters?  Can they come to you and share their stories, their pain and their nightmares?

Why is it always an elementary school?  What about choosing a middle school?  Even better, choose a high school … to come and greet the upcoming adolescents and young women and men who are soon to join us and must struggle in a world that is often hostile or uncaring…to us.  Instead, you consistently select elementary schools whose principals are so starved for positive black role models, that they are falling on top of each other to invite you in…. for your photo op.

My Brothers, there is a saying “Beware of Greeks bearing gifts.”  It means to not trust enemies bringing who bring you presents, for they could very well be playing a trick.  You may not be the enemy in this situation, but encouragement and no follow through causes one to consider whether or not you are bringing gifts full of false promises leading to psychological and emotional wounding.

My brothers, if you are angry after reading this, I invite you to be with that anger.  Feel it out and inquire of yourself why you feel that way. Accept that anger as a natural part of you but get curious about what you have experienced that has triggered that in you.

Transformation and self-discovery can only occur by exploring the depth of your feelings and finding the root cause of it, instead of mindlessly finding a way to just dull the symptoms of it. Be willing to walk the journey of self-discovery with yourself.

As black men, we are psychologically wounded.  We have endured. We have suffered. And we have survived.  Healing is our responsibility.  Now is the time to empower the psychological self.  I leave you with the following “Flashes of Light” for your psychological tool kit:

“Once burned, we learn.  If we do not learn, we only insure that we will be burn again and again and again until…we learn.” – Dr. Micheal Kane, “Ten Flashes of Light”

 

The African-American Parent

My Dear Parent,

I believe we live in a time where society shows less tolerance for our errors and provides far more opportunities for our failures.  My patient Mark learned after the theater incident the same lesson that Officer Arthur Williams learned: that   “To err is human, and … In some cases, there is no room for error.  None.  Mark was fortunate to have a therapy session where he could explore the S Pathways:

• having a safe and secure place (therapy)
• where he could search within the psychological self,
• ending the silence and
• releasing the submerged materials lying deeply below.
• Mark was able to sustain security in self,
• reinforcing his self-esteem and self-concept
• during his work of self-discovery.

I am currently consulting with a white colleague on a case in which the father, an African-American believes that a child needs to learn early and often to “do as they are told by authority and accept what they might see as unfairness and learn obedience.”  The father feels that if his son does not learn to obey without protest, he is at risk in the future of being killed.

The black father has good intentions and is clearly concerned about the physical safety of his child.   However, the father is “reacting” as he is “living in his fear” and is therefore unable to see the possible psychological wounding or traumatization he may be unwittingly setting up for his son.

It remains essential for African-American parents to learn healthy methods to assist their children to live and thrive in hostile or non-supportive environments.  Children should be encouraged to learn when it is appropriate to question authority and when it is essential to remain silent, essentially balancing physical safety and psychological wellness.  One such method is Five Steps of Alertness:

• Alertness is the state of active attention. It is being watchful and prepared to meet danger or emergency, or being quick to perceive, analyze a situation and act to either protect or secure the self.
• Awareness is the ability to directly know and perceive, to feel, to be cognizant of events. More broadly, it is the state of being conscious of one’s surroundings.  Awareness may be focused on what is occurring internally such as a visceral feeling, or on events occurring in the external environment.
• Aloneness is the ability to recognize one’s gender or ethnicity as unique. There will be situations where, through no fault of yours, you may be considered to be separate from or different than others within the same or similar group.
• Abandonment is an emotional state in which the individual may feel undesired, left behind or discarded. The individual can protect the psychological self, minimizing the impact by reinforcing one’s self esteem and self-concept.
• Alive & Well is actively engaging in the pursuits of self-determination. It is the activity of moving toward self-empowerment and self-actualization—that is, the attainment of dreams and desires.  It is the individual’s responsibility, and it cannot be delegated or assigned to another individual.

It is the parent’s responsibility to provide empowerment strategies so that our children learn to live WITH their fear, and not be stifled by living IN our fear.  If our children are to stand on our shoulders it must be done with advocacy, balance and calmness.

Empowerment can begin by adding the following ‘Flashes of Light” to the parental psychological tool kit.  Teach your children the following:

• Life is like a marathon. Finish the race; don’t worry about coming in first place.  Cross the finish line.  Just finish the race.  Finish what you start.
• A wise person learns from their mistakes, makes corrections and finds the right path; the foolish one will continue without direction, never finding the path even when it is in front of their face.

*************************************************************

“When Will You Be Satisfied?”

“We can never be satisfied as long as the Negro is the victim of unspeakable horrors of police brutality.

We can never be satisfied as long as our children are stripped of their self-hood and robbed of their dignity.

No. No. We are not satisfied, and we will not be satisfied until justice rolls down like water and righteous like a mighty stream.”

-Martin Luther King

Standing Alone……The Unspoken Truth