The Visible Man: The Perilous Journey… Back to “The World”

Part VI

“Men, you are the first Negro tankers to ever fight in the American Army. I would have never asked for you if you weren’t good. I have nothing but the best in my Army.  I don’t care what color you are, as long as you go up and kill those Kraut sonsabitches.  Everyone has their eyes on you and is expecting great things from you.  Most of all, your race is looking forward to your success.  Don’t let them down, and damn you, don’t let me down!”

–      General George Patton. Speech, given to the 761^st Tank Battalion before the battle at Morville-les-Vic, 1944. (Abdul-Jabbar & Walton, 2004, p.87).

“The 761^st gave a very good impression, but I have no faith in the inherent fighting ability of the race.”

–     General George Patton. Diary Entry, written the same afternoon he addressed the 761^st Tank Battalion. (Abdul-Jabbar & Walton, 2004, p.87).

“The 761^st Tank Battalion was in continuous combat from October 31, 1944, to May 6, 1945.  During that period, they captured or destroyed 331 machine gun nests, 58 pillboxes, and 461 wheeled vehicles.  In addition, they killed 6,246 enemy soldiers and captured 15,818 prisoners. They liberated thirty towns, and villages and two branch concertation camps.  The tank battalion suffered a casualty rate of 50%.”

–     Dr. Micheal Kane, Clinical Traumatologist “A Review Study of the Clinical Implications for Working with African American Veterans.” Doctoral Dissertation, Argosy University-Seattle, 2005.

My Dear Readers,

It’s a quiet Monday morning 4:45 am on June 5^th. I am sitting in my dining room, sipping my Starbucks coffee, watching the sun rise over the beautiful Cascade Mountains. In the quietness, I am listening to the birds chirping, the wind rustling through the trees, and the distinct sounds of bells ringing from the light rail system as it slinks along MLK Way taking barely awake, yawning commuters to work in downtown Seattle and beyond.  Perhaps, you are among those fortunate enough to be awake at this wonderful hour and to begin what will no doubt be a beautiful day in the Pacific Northwest.

Now as I sit here, it is time to bring closure to my epic trip of 10,000 miles beginning in Eastern Europe visiting the countries of Croatia, Slovenia, drifting along the Adriatic Sea and finally concluding with a visit to Amsterdam, The Netherlands, the home of Anne Frank. As this epic journey ends, so does my six-segment series entitled “The Perilous Journey”. In this series, I have sought to compare, contrast, conceptualized and lastly, comment on the classic work of James Baldwin’s essay The Fire Next Time.

My intent was to compare the life of the Negro in 1963 to that of the African American in 2023 and in doing so, sharing some of my own personal experiences of my 70 years of life living as a black man in America with both eras providing the similar experience of psychological trauma due to racial oppression and discriminatory treatment.

The Importance of Anne Frank… Allyship through Survivorship

There will always be a bond between European Jews and African Americans. The struggle to survive annihilation, being terrorized, laws and codes regulating movements, occupations, schooling of children, being a refugee without safety…always living out of fear of expulsion and rejection due to fear of … white supremacy will be one that cements our histories together. 

It is well known that Hitler’s Nuremburg Laws on Race was modeled after American Jim Crow laws. One bond that will forever bond these two communities together is the role in which Black soldiers of the 761^st Tank Battalion liberated two branch concertation camps during WWII. One such camp was the Gunskirchen camp in Austria where they freed Hungarian Jews. In discovering, “…some 15,000 Hungarian Jews near death from starvation, horrified the tankers did everything they could to help but could not stay long before being ordered to move on, reflecting as they departed on the limits of human cruelty”.

Trapped in a History that They do not Understand

In writing to his nephew, James Baldwin passionately stated,

“Please try to remember that what they believe, as well as what they do and cause you to endure, does not testify to your inferiority but to their inhumanity and fear.” 

Baldwin goes on to state:

“The really terrible thing, old buddy, is that you must accept them. And I mean that very seriously. You must accept them with love. For these innocent people have no other hope.  They are, in effect, still trapped in a history which they do not understand; and until they understand it, they cannot be released from it.  They have had to believe for many years, and for innumerable reasons that black men are inferior to white men.”

Behold, One’s Lying Eyes…Acceptance with Love

Can I believe my lying eyes? Did Baldwin just state the following:

• You must accept them…and accept them with love.  WTF?
• They are … still trapped in history which they do not understand.
• They have had to believe for many years, and for innumerable reasons, that black men are inferior to white men.”

And yet they continue to believe regardless of historical evidence, that Black men are inferior to White men and in doing so, seek the elimination of Critical Race Theory (CRT) which only serves to keep them trapped in “history that they do not understand”.

And how do White people maintain the status, as Baldwin states, as “innocent people [who] have no other hope”? They shut off their minds due to what Baldwin calls “the loss of their identity”.

An example of the conflict is that of the statements of General George S. Patton. He delivered a passionate supportive speech to Black soldiers under his command, stating “I would have never asked for you if you weren’t good…. Everyone has their eyes on you and is expecting great things from you.” Yet in that very same afternoon, writing in his diary, “The 761^st gave a very good impression, but I have no faith in the inherent fighting ability of the race.”  So, despite of the “very good impression” made by the black soldiers, Patton remained in what Baldwin states, “trapped in history” and the belief that Black men are inferior to White men.

This belief carries over well into the 21^st Century and is reinforced in the constant replaying of the movie Patton (1970) especially during holidays celebrating America’s military achievements of WWII.  The information in Patton’s diary was well known when the film Patton (1970) was developed and never included in the scene of the speech to the 761^st Tank Battalion or for that matter there were no scenes of Black soldiers in the film.  In doing so, the achievements of the Black soldiers went without notice adding to psychological distress of not being what Baldwin calls “the storms which rages …about the reality of acceptance and integration.”

Your brothers… Your Lost, Younger Brothers (1963)

In writing to his nephew, Baldwin states:

“These men are your brothers—your lost, younger brothers.  And if the word integration means anything, this is what it means: that we with love, shall force our brothers to see themselves as they are, to cease fleeing from reality and begin to change it.”

Essentially, Baldwin in 1963 saw the realities of man that the White man was the younger brother of the Black man, and it was the role of the Black man, with love, to “force our brothers to see themselves as they are, to cease fleeing from reality and begin to change it”.

My Brothers… My Lost, Younger Brothers (2023)

Sixty years later, Baldwin’s words of “force our brothers to see themselves as they are, to cease fleeing from reality and begin to change it” … Has this been achieved?  Absolutely not. African Americans today, in 2023, remain no different from Negroes of 1963. 

We are not monolithic, meaning we are not of one single mind. There remain those who continue to seek acceptance and integration as well as those who do not.

However, what has remained consistent over the last 60 years is the Black man’s continual quest to “force our brothers to see themselves as they are, to cease fleeing from reality and begin to change it.”  This of course is being met with hardcore resistance in the form of formal laws against educating Whites about truths associated with Critical Race Theory (CRT) and limit what can be taught to Black and Brown children about the significance of their own history.

Bringing Closure to The Fire Next Time

Baldwin, in his closing words to his nephew, stated:

“It was intended that you should perish in the ghetto, perish by never being allowed to go behind the white man’s definitions, by never being allowed to spell your proper name. You have, and many of us have, defeated this intention and, by a terrible law, a terrible paradox, those innocents who believed that your imprisonment made them safe are losing their grasp of reality.”

The Permanency of Psychological Trauma: The Lifetime Wound That Never Truly Heals

At the time of Baldwin’s writing in 1963, the discussion of traumatic impacts within the Black experience were treated as “family secrets” and were left basically unheard and untreated leading to dire and devastating consequences.  In the present day, although suspicion and reservations remain towards the healthcare system and its Eurocentric model, there is more willingness to understand and engage in mental health treatment.

It is not unusual for the Eurocentrically trained mental health therapist to respond affirmatively when questioned whether someone suffering from trauma can be healed.  However, such a response today is misguided and mismatched as historically, the therapist was trained to view trauma as a single distressing or disturbing experience not a conglomeration of experiences.

Today in marginalized communities where traumatic impacts can occur repetitively and can strike in combination with other subtypes at the psychological core of an individual or community. An example of such psychological impacts is those being experienced by the family and the community of Richland County, SC in which Cyrus Carmack-Benton, a 14-year Black boy was shot in the back and killed as he ran away from a convivence store, the allegation being he had stolen a bottle of water.

The sheriff’s office’s incident report states, “the shooting was not a bias motivated incident”.  Consequently, it is perceivable that members of this community could be impacted by one or a combination of all the following identified psychological traumas:

• Intergenerational Trauma; Historical Trauma
• Insidious Trauma; Trauma of Racial Profiling
• The Impostor Syndrome; The Stereotypical Threat Trauma
• Betrayal Trauma; Racial Trauma
• Micro-Aggression Assault; Macro-Aggression
• Just World Trauma; The Invisibility Syndrome
• Complex Posttraumatic Stress; Isolation Trauma

Concluding Words- Dr. Kane … Back to the World

In starting this six segment blog series during my 10,000-mile journey, my intent was to compare the life of the Negro in 1963 to that of the African American in 2023… what have I learned? I learned that Black people are committed to echoing Baldwin’s words of forcing “our white brothers to see themselves as they are, to cease fleeing from reality and begin to change it.”

However, as stated earlier, Black people are not monolithic, meaning we are not of the same stone. Where some seek change, others seek transformation. I view change as temporary and self-serving, but I for one, am committed to transformation which has permanency with the focus on moving forward. Has transformation occurred? No. This country is far from achieving transformation and will not achieve it because as Baldwin clearly stated:

“They are, in effect, still trapped in a history which they do not understand; and until they understand it, they cannot be released from it. They have had to believe for many years, and for innumerable reasons that black men are inferior to white men”.

As I was returning from my trip, I learned some more sorrowful and troublesome information.  On May 28, 2023, a 16-year-old Black teen was shot in the back by a former cop who was white, for dating his daughter.

Baldwin states:

“You must accept them with love. For these innocent people have no other hope.” 

I suggest the following quote:

“The stupid neither forgives nor forget; the naïve forgive and forget; the wise forgives but do not forget. Forgive many things in others; nothing in yourself. Anger makes you smaller, while forgiveness forces you to grow up beyond what you were.  To err is human; to forgive, infrequently.”

Back To the World – Curtis Mayfield

In these city streets everywhere
You gotta be careful where you move your feet
How you part your hair
Do you really think that God could ever forgive this life we live?
Back in the world
Back in the world

Had a long stretch of sacrifice
Gettin’ back home will be awful nice
Child, your woman has long been gone
The doggone war just lasted too long
People don’t give a damn
People don’t give a damn
People don’t give a damn

So I’m standin’ here in future shock
It can give the mind an awful knock
Talkin’ ’bout hard times, hard times, hard times
Back in the world
Oh-oh-oh
My, my, my, my, my, my
It’s so hard, it’s so hard
This life is so hard
I been beaten up and robbed
Soldier boy ain’t got no job
Back in the world

Well, evening has arrived, and my mission of blog writing is completed! Good night, safe travels, calmness, in walking your landscapes. I bid you peace and emotional wellness.

Dr. Kane

“Living the life I want and letting go of the life I lived.”

Until We Meet Again… I am the Visible Man

The Visible Man: The Perilous Journey: Sadness at Home… Here We Go Again

Part V

“He did not shoplift anything. We have no evidence that he stole anything whatsoever, and even if he did that’s not something you shoot anybody over, much less a 14-year-old.”

–        Leon Lott, Sheriff, Richland County, SC.

“We are confident that this was done in a manner that we now classify as a homicide.  This was not an accidental shooting by any means. This was a very intentional shooting.  And unfortunately, Cyrus Carmack-Benton lost his life.”

–        Naida Rutherford, Coroner, Richland County, SC.

“What happened to Cyrus wasn’t an accident. It’s something the Black community has experienced for generations: being racially profiled; then shot down in the street like a dog.  I’m asking that our community continue to wrap their arms around this family as they’ve joined the club that no Black family ever wants to be a part of.”

–        SC State Rep. Todd Rutherford, the family’s attorney

My Dear Readership,

I am currently on my flight returning home from a very enjoyable and relaxing respite.  There were a variety of reasons for the respite; recovery from severe health issues resulting in surgery and suspension of my clinical practice, the commitment to follow what I preach to my patients and taking care of the psychological self, (The Five R’s of Relief) and finally, the opportunity to sit, write and share with my beloved readership, thoughts and feelings regarding my walking the landscape through writings of “The Perilous Journey”.

My respite began by visiting the Balkan region of Eastern Europe specifically the countries of Slovenia and Croatia, then sailing along the coastlines of the Adriatic Sea, the northernmost portion of the Mediterranean Sea and lastly, a stop in Amsterdam, the Netherlands. 

In Slovenia, I visited an island in Lake Bled which is home to the 17^th Century church dedicated to the Assumption of Mary.  In Croatia, besides being adrift in the Adriatic Sea, I visited Zagreb which has served as the capital since the 13^th Century.  During my visit, I stayed at the historical Esplanade Zagreb Hotel, the setting of many Agatha Christie novels and enjoyed by luminous African American celebrates including the actress Josephine Baker, bandleader Louis Armstrong and jazz trumpeter Miles Davis. This epic journey concluded with a visit to the house of Anne Frank in Amsterdam, the Netherlands.

The Last Morning: Reminiscing

Staying at the DeWitt Hotel Amsterdam, the last morning was wonderful. I enjoyed a splendid breakfast of salmon, mushroom and gouda omelet and a variety of fresh fruits followed by two double espressos.  I want to give a special shout out to Ritchie a senior hospitality specialist and server at the hotel’s restaurant.  Just a few words, Ritchie is an African American expatriate, or “expat”, who hails from Brooklyn, New York.  Ritchie has resided in Amsterdam for 25 years.  He originally moved so he could gain fluency in a foreign language.  Now he is completing an advanced degree in International Diplomacy at the Hague University.  He returns to Brooklyn on a yearly basis maintaining close contacts with three brothers and sisters and a host of loving nephews and nieces.  I enjoyed numerous moments of laughter chatting as he shared his experiences of life residing in Amsterdam. My morning and stay in Amsterdam terminated with a brief walk around the canals, reminiscing about the epics of my travels that was now coming to an end.

The Flight Home: Shock. Cinderella’s Curse, the clock slams and it ain’t midnight

Here I am Dr. Kane, clinical traumatologist, international traveler and well respected in my field.  I am about to celebrate my 70^th birthday and seeking to adapt to the changes in my life’s journey due to the severe medical issues which was the focus of my respite.  I purchased a business class seat and now relaxed and about to begin writing the final segment of my “The Perilous Journey” blogs documenting my experiences on this journey… and …bam! 

Changing Topics: From Appreciation to Seeing the Sadness at Home

In reviewing the news from “home” I am shocked, angered and impacted by today’s news.  Sitting in my comfortable seat, I learned that a convivence store owner, suspecting shoplifting had occurred, chased a 14-year-old Black boy, and shot him in the back, killing him. The coroner had ruled the shooting, a homicide.  The owner of the convivence store had been charged with murder. The sheriff’s office’s incident report states “the shooting was not a bias motivated incident”. Really? 

Vandalism & Looting: Actions of Frustration & Hopelessness

Initially, following the shooting there were peaceful protests.  However, the next day, the convenience store was looted and vandalized and the outside spray-painted and the windows shattered.  Sheriff Lott, added, “A group of people entered the store and took everything they could get their hands on.”  And furthermore, “What does stealing a case of beer have to do with a 14-year- old being shot and the person responsible being charged with murder?  Someone explain that.  What does that have to do what stealing beer?’ Go ahead, drink that beer, and enjoy it right now, because you’re going to pay for it later.”

In seeking to assist in explaining anger and frustration resulting from the meaningless death of a 14-year-old Black boy, perhaps in reviewing Baldwin’s essay written to his nephew and my 40 years of providing mental health services to psychologically impacted communities we can share some wisdom learned from behaviors which, despite the many years of policing Black people Sheriff Lott, apparently still does not… understand them or… the problem.

The Nigger & the Seeds of Destruction Part I

In writing to his nephew, James Baldwin, states:

“You can only be destroyed by believing that you really are what the white world calls a nigger. I tell you this because I love you and please don’t you ever forget it.”

Baldwin adds,

“To be loved, baby, hard, at once, and forever to strengthen you against the loveless world. Remembering that. I know how black it looks today for you.  It looked black that day too, yes, we were trembling.  We have not stopped trembling yet, but if we had not loved each other, none of us would have survived, and now, you must survive because we love you, and for the sake of your children and your chidren’s children.”

In reviewing Baldwin’s essay, written 334 years after the arrival of Africans in America and 100 years since the Emancipation Proclamation, is he not affirming to his nephew that the “white world” continues to view and believe him and those of his racial group as “niggers”? Is Baldwin not affirming to his nephew that like the survival-ship of the preceding generation, it is the function of the nephew to… survive? For what purpose? The sake of his children and his children’s children?

Vandalism & Looting: In Harvesting the Nigger & the Seeds of Destruction Part 2

In furtherance, Baldwin’s words were insightful in 1963 and continuing to loom casting the darkness of what has resulted from white fear and racial hatred of Black skin over the last 403 years.  Baldwin’s words to his nephew shouts volumes as to what Black people have been forced to do over every generation since arriving on “freedom’s shores”… survive. The vandalism and looting of one specific convivence store is wrong.  Yet can we understand the frustration, the sense of hopelessness and powerlessness in this community? A14-year-old Black boy, smilingly waives bye or might have said, “see you later”… goes off to the local convivence store, is racially profiled for the “major crime” of shoplifting, is shot in the back, while running from the store with a Glock 305 and is killed… and the sheriff’s office incident report states “the shooting was not a bias motivated incident.” Really? 

White Time (Living) & Black Time (Surviving): The Wisdom of Mothers

Following the vandalism and looting that resulted from the shooting, Richland County deputies were assigned to guard the convenience store. Whereas the presence of the police serves as a visible message of preservation of property, the visible message, of vandalism and looting (anger, frustration) as to the lack of value in Black lives and, in addition, the hopelessness and helplessness in protecting Black children is either ignored or co-opted in the news media.

“A group of people entered the store and took everything they could get their hands on.”

–        Leon Lott, Sheriff, Richland County, SC.

In the film Forrest Gump (1994), Tom Hanks stated the following memorable quotes lovingly held by many in White America … “My Mama always said life was like a box of chocolates. You never know what you’re gonna get.” and “My Mama always said you’ve got to put the past behind you before you can move on.”

And yet, with Black people historically unable to protect their children either historically or as presented in the recent shootings, the wisdom of Forrest’s mama lacks placement within our reality.  In dealing with White America, life is not like a box of chocolates. You have a clear perception of what you are going to get. Furthermore, in comparison to Forrest’s mama comments about putting the past behind, such is not possible when living among people who either live in fear or hold extreme negative feelings toward you… due to the blackness of your skin.

The logic of Forrest’s mama … makes sense for those focused on living yet not for those whose lives are about surviving whereas they are either invisible, denied or just not seen.

Baldwin does speak to the wisdom of his mother, notably, in telling his nephew that “Your grandmother was always there, no one has ever accused her of being bitter.” and “Your countrymen (white people) did not know that she even exists, either, even though she has been working for them all of their lives.”

The Less We Forget, The More We Remember.

As stated previously the focus of White America during Baldwin’s writing was the intellectualization of the Black experience in America, allowing them to remain silent and avoidant. However, this differed for Black people whose focus was on survival.  The strategy being one of not speaking of racial distressful incidents and maintaining a strong outer shell as an image for others and protecting the self from psychological intrusion. This strategy, unfortunately created behaviors that served as models to their children, reinforcing psychological trauma and opening the floodgates encouraging intergenerational trauma to move rushing forward to future generations.

Well, it’s about 5:00 pm, my 10-hour flight spanning 5125 miles is just about to come to an end.  It had been my intention to bring closure to this epic journey by closing out the Perilous Journey with comments regarding my visit to the home of Anne Frank. However, due to the death of Cyrus Carmack-Benton a 14-year-old Black boy, racially profiled, chased and shot in the back … in paying homage and respect, it was important to bring meaning to a life cut short that, unfortunately due to the Blackness of his skin, a life and death that soon will be forgotten. This child will never be given the chance to drift along the Adriatic Sea, walk the canals of Amsterdam nor ride business class on an international fight being treated like a king.  Those possibilities were stolen from him. A life, gone too soon.

Once I am over the inevitable jetlag, I will return and bring completion to my series of The Perilous Journey.  Until then …a good night, safe travels, and calmness in walking your landscape.  I bid you peace, and emotional wellness. 

“Walking my landscape…. Living the life, I want and letting go the life I have lived.”

“Not existing…Not surviving … living. Driving (empowered), Striving (pacesetting), and Achieving (arriving).

Dr. Kane

Until We Meet Again… I am the Visible Man.

The Visible Man: The Perilous Journey… The Psychological Pains of Forgiveness

Part IV

The Battle of the Bulge

Roughly 2,500 African Americans fought alongside white soldiers to repel the Germans in a wintry, miserable sequence of weeks. In the aftermath of the battle, the racial integration effort was well received, and the African American soldiers were evaluated as having done “well”.

Sacrifice: The 333rd Field Artillery at the Battle of the Bulge.

Manning 155mm howitzers, African American gunners sacrificed themselves to defend fleeing infantry. Eleven of them were murdered by the Waffen SS, and then forgotten by the US Army. (17 Sept 2020) Warfare History Network

My Dear Readers,

I am currently in Amsterdam, the Netherlands, on the fourth portion of my travels.  I bring you the fourth installment of The Perilous Journey. Before I begin contrasting the lives of Black & Brown Americans over the last 60 years using the essay of James Baldwin, The Fire Next Time, I want to acknowledge the significance of Memorial Day and the contributions, heroism and bravery of African American women and men in military service. Specifically, the “colored troops” serving during WWII.

The Wereth 11 Massacre

During the Battle of the Bulge, a well-known conflict that occurred during the height of WWII, eleven Black GIs from the 333^rd Field Artillery Battalion, designated “colored troops” by the military, were the victims of a mass execution that went unacknowledged by the US government.

At 7:00 p.m. on the evening of December 17, 1944, the Waffen SS drove these 11 captured men into the forest.  There, they savagely tortured their victims with rifle butts and bayonets before cutting off many of their fingers and running them over with vehicles – whether this happened before or after the Americans were dead, was impossible to say.  Then they moved on, leaving their bodies behind.

The parents and wives of the 11 soldiers received letters from the military that their sons or husbands simply died in combat. Sadly, most went to their graves believing that lie. Unlike the atrocity of Malmedy, where 113 White American soldiers were captured and 84 killed, there was no investigation, no International Military Tribunal, and no trial. No such efforts were made to pursue the murders of the Black GIs in the Wereth 11 Massacre.

While other units fighting during the Battle of the Bulge received the Presidential Unit Citation, the African American gunners of the segregated unit, who sacrificed themselves to defend fleeing white American soldiers received…nothing. 

Moving forward…. The Fire Next Time (1963)

A foreword from Dr. Kane

At the writing of Baldwin’s essay in 1963, 331 years since the arrival of Africans into the American colonies, Black people had endured the psychological and physical oppressions of White people. Historically, there had remained the fear that one day the slaves would revolt, taking revenge: killing their white oppressors. Following the ending of slavery and the granting of emancipation, fear of Blacks by Whites of death and destruction remained. This resulted in the removal of federal troops and the protection they offered and allowed the disenfranchisement of former slaves and freemen and recognition of both the official codification by laws, administrative codes, and recognition of local whites to organize to control blacks within the local towns and cities.

The Raging Storms … Acceptance & Integration

James Baldwin in writing to his nephew, states:

“There is no reason for you to try to become like white people and there is no basis whatever for their imperilment assumption that they must accept you. The real troubling thing, old buddy, is that you must accept them. And I mean that very seriously.  You must accept them and accept them with love.  For these innocent people have no other hope. They are, in effect, still trapped in a history which they do not understand; and until they understand it, they cannot be released from it”.

Belief in the truth…the loss of identity

James Baldwin goes on to tell his nephew,

“They {White people} have had to believe for many years, and for innumerable reasons that black men are inferior to white men.  Many of them, indeed, know better, but, as you will discover, people find it difficult to act on what they know.  To act is to be committed, and to committed is to be in danger.  In this case, the danger is in the minds of most white Americans is the loss of their identity”.

Seeking the savory carrot…In a sea of Whiteness

For many of the veterans of the frontlines of the Children’s Crusade for equality and racial justice there was the savory carrot of acceptance and integration tied with hard earned validation and respect…we wanted it all so badly that we closed our ears and accepted emotionally hurtful phases from our “newly gained” white friends including:

• “You’re different.”
• “You’re not like the rest of them.”
• “I wish I had more Black friends like you.”
• “When I say negative things about them, I am not referring to you.”
• “When I look at you, I don’t see color.”

Scrapes from the table…The hunger and acceptance of NOT’s.

Yet in 2023, sixty years following Baldwin’s essay to his nephew, the savory carrot of acceptance and integration along with validation of respect still has not been achieved. When a veteran of the Chidren’s Crusades states not being impacted by micro aggressive comments arising from the sea of whiteness, it is an acknowledgement of achievement of the hard work in that person’s disillusioned mind that he/she has achieved acceptance and integration. Realistically, this individual has only acquired a status that is haltingly given to “a select few”.

This status is known as the NOT’s specifically:

• (N) Novelty-the quality of being new, original, or unusual.
• (O) Oddity-a strange or peculiar person, thing, or trait.
• (T) Token– acceptance and integration tied with hard earned validation of respect – a person who is included in a group, given the appearance that the individual is being treated fairly when this is not true.

In writing this section, in looking for an example I considered focusing on the behavior of the only Black Republican in the US Senate. Senator Tom Scott, South Carolina in the response to Biden’s State of the Union address in 2020, stated that “Hear me clearly…America is not a racist country”. Scott is now well received by white conservatives as he has recently announced his candidacy, running for the presidency.

Instead, I speak to my own experiences of the conflicts that resulted from the attainment of acceptance and integration and most importantly respect, following 8 years of hard work, microaggressions and sacrifice while attaining my doctoral degree in clinical psychology.  Foolishly and mistakenly, I thought I had…arrived!  Instead, I was to learn that rather than transformation, the lopsided playing field had simply become more…lopsided.

I remember the hurdles of the doctoral process in which my program included:

• four years of classroom study,
• two years practicum,
• two years of clinical internship,
• written six-hour clinical examination,
• oral examination,
• faculty presentation of a research proposal,
• and two-year research study,
• final writing of the research,
• defense of the research,
• and publication of the research study.

I accomplished these “pillars” while being a husband, a father of two and holding two part time jobs as a mental health therapist and an associate director of training and development at one of the 10 largest research universities in the US.

Acknowledgement- Dr. Laura Brown

As I write this, I want to extend my heartful thanks and appreciation to my dissertation chair and now colleague, mentor, and good friend Dr. Laura Brown who consistently challenged me to create scholarship that would withstand challenges of inferior work from other scholars/researchers.  She repeatedly rejected my drafts (eight times!) demanding, knowing I could offer more and refusing to accept less. After 8 years of intellectual study and sacrifice, I simply wanted “the road to hell” to be over and yet as a Jewish woman and lesbian committed to racial and social justice, she was very much aware of the future I would face.

Into the 21^st Century: The Savory Carrot of Ascension to N.O.T.-hood

The savory carrot was initially bestowed upon me in my entrance into the doctoral program in which I would go on to earn my second master’s degree and later, the prestigious doctorate degree in clinical psychology. At the time, this was a new graduate school, and in my “historical” selection, I achieved numerous “firsts”. I was the first person accepted into the program, the first person of color accepted and later, went on to become the first African American to graduate, achieving the doctoral degree in clinical psychology.

As my ego and size of my head grew due to my achievements which as James Baldwin defined as the raging storms of acceptance and integration, I realized I was subjecting myself to a life of being observed, questioned, and challenged.  For the next 8 years, being bestowed as N.O.T., I would be poked, jabbed, etc.  For many of my classmates I was treated as the “first contact” from an alien world.  And yet within my professional world, I was resented by my colleagues for wanting more as I sought to achieve more education and professional development whereas they had achieved less and were satisfied at that level.

During my eight years of “rigorous” academic study while being the N.O.T., I became the focus study of the “Black experience”. I eagerly debated with my white classmates challenging them on the issues of the impacts of racism, inequalities in mental health care and, their silence on the issues impacting African Americans.  After all, who other than I, was best suited to educate them… just as in James Baldwin’s work about the Black experience in America.

Unfortunately, due to my naiveté, I failed to realize that as a N.O.T. I was being used and not utilized.  They spoke highly about their commitment to change however when called to act they failed.  As Baldwin so clearly stated:

 “To act is to be committed, and to be committed is to be in danger.  In this case, the danger is in the minds of most white Americans is the loss of their identity”.

Al Jolson Reborn: Mammy, Mammy…My little Mammy

One such situation of silence occurred was when a white clinical psychologist was visiting as a guest speaker and conducting his seminar in front of the entire graduate program including the Dean of the Graduate School.  As I sat in the front row, he stopped his presentation and in front of me did a full rendition of Al Jolson in well known song of “My Mammy”. At first, I was stunned, questioning to myself “WTF?” as in what does this have to do with clinical psychology or his presentation?  And as God is my witness, this invited example of what I wanted to attain… did the full rendition of “My Mammy” again for the second time.  As I turned and looked at my classmates and the Dean, there was no reaction in the “sea of whiteness”.  Fully engrossed in anger and humiliation, I got up from my seat and exit the room.  Later to be consoled by some students “are you okay” and be avoided eye contact by others.

The Fall from Grace: When One’s Is No Longer…Needed.

There is a saying in the African American community “one day you are grinning with the white folks and the next day… they are gone”. Well, that was my experience; one day, I had, as James Baldwin stated: gained the acceptance, integration, and respect in the lives of my white colleagues and just like the childhood fable of what happened to Cinderella the princess at the stroke of midnight, following my graduation, most of those relationships ceased to exist. My fellow graduates were now returning to the realities of their world which in its sea of whiteness did not include the “stain” of blackness of me. Suddenly I was able to come to understand the role I played as an N.O.T. where I wanted to be utilized as a force of transformation, but I was simply being used.  I had been played and played well as I sought to be a part of … their lives where in reality, they had no intentions of having a role in mine.

A Painful Awakening… the unresolved wound.

However, a psychological wound that brings anger, remorse and unending sadness is the ending of my relationship with a white classmate who I had called a friend.  The ending of the relationship began following a disagreement in which I recalled stating, “You don’t know how to play in the sandbox”. Specifically, I meant as a white male he sought to lead me and not want to share the exchange of leadership in our relationship.  He responded by quietly stating “I want you to leave my home”. Being quite shaken, I realized that he was telling me as a Black man, a colleague and holder of a doctorate degree that I was being ejected out of his home.  I subsequently left and later as we continued the “friendship”, over the next two years, we never discussed the incident.

The Reckoning…

I have often asked myself why didn’t I speak up? Why did I not advocate for myself.  Why did I  allow this humiliation to stand? His actions and refusal to speak to them was a statement and yet what was it a statement of? And, then in reading James Baldwin, about his brother that “in the bottom of his heart he truly believed what white people thought about him”. Was that me?  Did I believe that I was inferior to my friend?

Two actions held the relationship which now was dangling and shredded.  There was value in  his actions of being there as he stood by me during the illness and death of my beloved spouse and the termination from my position at the prestigious state research university.  It was my belief that loyalty held the friendship in place.  And yet, the silence, the unwillingness of him to speak of the actions of ejecting his friend a Black man? How could he not see the racism? Or at least the psychological traumatic impacts that followed?

The conflict of truths and being trapped in a history…that they do not understand.

I am awakened to Baldwin’s words about how white people are trapped. Yes, this person knows better; of the lies told of the inferiority of the Black man and the superiority of the White man, yet when challenged “you don’t know how to play in the sandbox.”  I believe for him, that the conflicts of truths and being trapped in history, emerged and collided.  As to the lack of his addressing the incident, one will never know the truths associated with this.  I expect this may be what Baldwin calls ‘the addressing danger of the loss of identity’ and may be the reason. 

This individual and I currently have a complicated yet clearly defined relationship, we do not have direct interactions as this will never reoccur until the wounding to the relationship has been addressed.  He follows my blogs and time to time; we occasionally trade comments on Facebook. 

And here is where I leave my beloved readership. It is early in quietness of the morning as I sit in the lobby of my hotel signing off to you as I now must prepare myself both psychologically and emotionally for my upcoming trip in a few hours to the home of Anne Frank, the young adolescent author who perished at the age of 15 the Nazi concertation camp.

Well, again, it has been my pleasure to share insights with my readership.  I look forward to the next segment of my journey subtitled The Perilous Journey: The Horizon & Walking One’s Landscape.

A good morning, safe travels, calmness, in walking your landscapes.  I bid you peace and wellness.

Dr. Kane

Until We Meet Again… I am the Visible Man.