The Unspoken Truth: The Real Black Man, Standing Alone

“I stand alone.” ABC… Assertive, Boldness & Collective…. Empowered. I stand alone.”

-Dr. Micheal Kane Psy.D. Clinical Traumatologist & Forensic Evaluator

“As an individual, the Negro is docile, tractable, lighthearted, carefree, and good natured.  If unjustly treated, he is likely to become surly and stubborn.  He is careless, shiftless, irresponsible, and secretive.  He is immoral, untruthful, and his sense of right doing is relatively inferior.  Crimes and convictions involving moral turpitude are nearly five to one compared to convictions of whites in similar charges.”

– Army War College Report 1936 Edgerton (p.121)

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My Dear Readers,

In this blog writing, I return to a second installation of the new blog series, The Unspoken Truth.  In this series, we focus on historical and inter-generational trauma experiences of members’ experiences of members of the African-American diaspora.

In the quote below, Edgerton quotes a White Officer on the USS Siboney who witnessed the forced isolation of the sole African-American officer aboard the ship as it returned from France following WWI.  He states:

 “Each night before retiring, it was my habit to take a number of turns around the deck and the Negro captain did the same, walking in the opposite direction.  The first time we passed, I always said, “Good Evening Captain,” and he would reply “Good Evening Lieutenant.”  To my best belief, these were the only words spoken to him during the nearly 10 days at sea.”  Edgerton (p.99).

In the blog Standing Alone in the Black Community, I sought to focus on three variables that impact how we, as a community, a parent, or an individual psychologically interact with our daughters and sons:  aloneness, shaming and abandonment.

I would be one of the first to acknowledge that my writing is deliberate, but not delicate.  I write with love for the African-American diaspora and understand that this community does not yet love itself. As a result, the community tends to quickly turn against its own members and in doing so, psychologically destroys its best and brightest by isolating, shaming and abandoning them, like what happened to former Police Officer Arthur Williams of the Baltimore Police Department.

There is where the difference lies…. Officer Williams was under the mistaken impression that his superiors, fellow officers, union and community “had his back.”  Therefore, he had “open and irrevocable trust.”

I am under no such impression.  I stand alone.  My objective is to teach, model and educate those individuals who are inclined to listen, and to also… Stand Alone.  I remember to:

“Respect all, love all, yet remember that trust is earned, not given away to the undeserving.”

– Micheal Kane, Ten Flashes Of Light

This week, I received some reasonable criticism that I want to discuss.

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Dear Dr. Kane,

 I am a black man living in central Ohio.  I am writing to share my opinion of a blog that a friend forwarded to me.  Upon reading it several times, to be honest I had to have a shot of whiskey to contain myself. 

 I am truly disgusted with you and your words.  Your words insulted me as a black man and embarrassed and shamed our community.  I cannot believe that you would tell black children not to trust their elders.  I am one of those men who are committed to the children’s success. 

 Each year a group of us arrived at a school to ensure that the children have a positive first day at school.  We do form lines, clapping and cheering the children as they are entering the building.  However, we also provide backpacks, school supplies and since funding is limited, we give funding for sports equipment.  Some of the members stay for lunch and eat with the kids, sharing stories and asking questions about their lives. 

 You are wrong to say that we don’t care.  You are wrong to say that the children should not trust us.  You have caused a disservice to your people.  At first, I even question whether you were really a black man.  It was confirmed when I went online and saw your picture.  

 All I can do is shake my head.  I wonder where did you grow up?  Have you ever lived around black people?   You clearly did not attend a HBCU.  You write and think like a white man.  Do black people really come to see you and listen to the garbage that you write about? 

Instead of being a counselor, you need to be seeing a counselor and getting your own head examined.

 There is only one word I got for you that is Uncle Tom.  You are doing the white’s man work and messing us up.  I hope you are ashamed of yourself.    God knows, we are.  Good Riddance

 A Real Black Man

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My Dear Readers,

Hmm.  Usually in my opening statements I write to the “general readership” and at the end I direct my concluding remarks to a specific group or population.  Today, however, I will direct ALL of my comments to my Black/African-American Brothers.

 

My Black/African-American Brothers,

To begin with, I appreciate that “A Real Black Man” spoke respectfully while sharing his opinion, and I respect that he took the time to share that feedback with me.  Having said that, there are some points that I want to share with this reader.

In general, I find that the moniker “A Real Black Man” is problematic—this comes as no surprise to regular readers of this blog for reasons I have expounded upon in earlier writings and will likely do again, but that is not what I want to focus on here.  The flaw in his feedback on the piece is not in his perception of himself, however, but with his inability to sit with his feelings before sharing such feelings as his response.  “A Real Black Man” alleges the following:

• He is disgusted and insulted. My words have embarrassed and ashamed the community. Consequently, he needs a shot of whiskey to contain himself in order to deal with my statements.
• The group provides backpacks, school supplies and funding for sporting equipment. Some of the group members stay for lunch and eat with the kids, sharing stories and asking questions about their lives.
• I am wrong to say that the group of men doesn’t care. Furthermore, I am wrong to say that the children should not trust them.  Lastly, I have done a great disservice to black people

Then come the personal attacks:

• Questioning whether I am actually black and where I grew up or whether I grew up among black people
• Questioning the school I attended and racial types in the manner of my thinking and writing

Then profession attacks:

• Questioning whether black people come to see me as a counselor
• Suggesting that instead of providing counseling, I should be seeing a counselor i.e. have my head examined

And in conclusion, deriding my racial heritage:

• Defining me as an “Uncle Tom”
• Individual shaming – i.e. “You should be ashamed”
• Group shaming – i.e. “God knows we are”
• Abandonment i.e. “Good riddance”

What does this tell us about “A Real Black Man?”

 

He is disgusted and insulted. My words have embarrassed and shamed the community.  He requires a shot of whisky to contain himself.

At the end of the last blog, I suggested the following:

My brothers, if you are angry after reading this, I invite you to be with that anger. Feel it out and inquire of yourself why you feel that way. Accept that anger as a natural part of you but get curious about what you have experienced that has triggered that in you.

Transformation and self-discovery can only occur by exploring the depth of your feelings and finding the root cause of it, instead of mindlessly finding a way to just dull the symptoms of it. Be willing to walk the journey of self-discovery with yourself.

As black men, we are psychologically wounded. We have endured. We have suffered. And we have survived. Healing is our responsibility. Now is the time to empower the psychological self. 

The missed opportunity in “A Real Black Man’s” response result from his inability or unwillingness to “sit with his feelings.” In his failure to do so, he does not allow himself the space to embrace what he is feeling and evaluate it and craft a response.  Instead, he makes the error of allowing his feelings to be his response.

My advice to “A Real Black Man” and others who of similar disposition is to engage in the clinical processing of “The Five R’s of RELIEF.  Specifically:

• Respite-take whatever time is desired, step away from what you have read.
• Reactions –embrace whatever you are feeling, because these feelings are yours and must stay with you.
• Reflections- continue to process your feelings and thoughts. Find your center.
• Response- respond to your internal world and then share a response with your external environment.
• Reevaluate-review your actions and behaviors. Consider what was done and whether such actions are to be revised and/or repeated.

Furthermore, I would encourage “A Real Black Man” and others who of similar disposition not to engage in consuming alcoholic drinks to relieve their distress.  One should consider and weigh the impacts of alcohol as a requirement to process information. Such behaviors are clear indicators of inappropriate ways and means of handling distressful situations.

 

The group provides backpacks, school supplies and funding for sporting equipment.  Some of the group members stay for lunch and eat with the kids, sharing stories and asking questions about their lives. 

Although the provision of backpacks, school supplies and funding for sporting equipment may be beneficial to young black boys and girls, as well as sharing lunch, stories etc., most of these children are in psychological and emotional need from the group of black men.  What is needed is to clinch the Five Cs of Connective Understanding:

• Commitment-partnership between the group, the individual student(s), the school district.
• Consistency-involvement that transcends the “opening day welcome to school”
• Comradeship-creation, ownership, and maintenance of individual relationships
• Community-the group of men must want to become a permanent installation of the school setting, maintaining a presence in the classroom, the hallways, and through mentorship
• Communications-vulnerability, exposure and trust in developing and maintaining “open” communication with individual students, teachers and parents

 

It is wrong to say that the group of men doesn’t care.  Furthermore, it is wrong to that the children should not trust them.  Lastly, I have done a great disservice to black people.

Again, “A Real Black Man,” without taking a respite or embracing his feelings, is allowing his feelings to be his response to my writing.  The question is not whether the group of black men care—I assume that they do.  The questions are these:

• What are the psychological impacts of “caring” without follow through?
• What can be done to either prevent psychological wounding or bring healing to those currently wounded?

Clearly a psychological tool to be added to a child’s “toolkit” is empowerment.  In “Ten Flashes of Light,” I encourage black children to:

• To be successful with school and workplace politics: decide after careful consideration who to trust.Then trust with caution and consistently verify.
• Respect all, love all, yet remember that trust is earned, not given away to the undeserving.
• When a person exposes the true self to you, embrace the action and treat it as a gift.

 

 Personal & Professional Attacks

The personal and professional attacks by “A Real Black Man” are examples of forced aloneness (isolation), shaming, and abandonment trauma that are often used by members of the African-American community to instill fear, force compliance and, and ensure adherence by members to group norms.  Such methods are “holdovers” from methods used by slavers and slave owners to terrorize and traumatize newly captured black male and female slaves.

These methods continue to be used inter-generationally to traumatize current and future generations.  Again, an example would be former police officer Arthur Williams who went from being a loving community icon to becoming a pariah in his community.

The message from the community is simple: We will isolate you, we will shame you, and most importantly, during your time of desperation and need, we will abandon you.

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 Concluding Words-Dr. Kane

My Dear Brothers,

In 1670 John Ray wrote that:

“The road to hell is paved with bricks made with good intentions.”

An intention is an idea that you plan (or intend) to carry out.  If you plan to carry it out, if you mean something, it’s an intention.  Your goal, purpose, or aim is your intention. Where we often fail is in failing to balance the outcome with the intent. My Brothers, there is a saying:

“Beware of Greeks bearing gifts.” – Virgil, The Aeneid (II, 49) 

It means to not trust enemies bringing who bring you presents, for they could very well be playing a trick. You may not be the enemy in this situation, but encouragement and no follow through causes one to consider whether or not you are bringing gifts full of false promises leading to psychological and emotional wounding.

For example, in showing up at different elementary schools year after year, offering cheers, words of encouragement, maybe staying for lunch and getting that “photo opportunity” there may be the intent to do “good works” and yet there is no consideration of the possible outcome of psychological or emotional impacts once you or your group leaves until next year.

Again…. Rather than attack the messenger for delivering the message, take a moment; I invite you to be with that anger. Feel it out and inquire of yourself why you feel that way. Accept that anger as a natural part of you but get curious about what you have experienced that has triggered that in you.

Have the willingness to ask yourselves the following questions:

• Are my actions (not my intention) creating a possible psychological or emotional wounding for these children?
• Remembering my own childhood, how did I feel about loss? How did I respond to a significant figure stepping into my life and subsequently disappearing?
• What can I do to create a positive and consistent impact on a child’s life?

My Brothers, in wrapping up my comments, I want to acknowledge that we as men can love our community, be concerned about our children and in doing so, select multiple ways to accomplish our objective.  I also want to acknowledge that many of us if not all have suffered psychological wounds along the journey we call LIFE.

How we address our individual journeys relies on how we choose to treat our wounds.  There are those who will seek the validation of others; there are those who will seek relief through drugs, alcohol, sex, and there are those who will seek domination via control and violence.

As a black man striving for psychological wholeness in a psychologically unforgiving environment, my preference is to sit on a therapist’s couch and find a safe place where I can allow the release submerged feelings and in doing so, not take my rage out on a world that seeks to minimize or ignore my pain.

Simply put, if we divide the world of black men in half, there are those who are permanently disabled and therefore discarded by a hostile and non-caring society, and there are those who are walking wounded, working through the ongoing struggle to maintain sanity in a hostile and non-caring society.  The first group are the walking dead, waiting for the end to appear, whereas the second group seeks to empower themselves and create a psychologically healthy life…but only if they are willing to grasp the opportunity.

My objectives are simple:

• To aid in healing the psychological and emotionally wounded,
• To reinforce the psychological self and in doing so assist others to walk the journey of self-discovery,
• To teach, model and mentor those who chose the difficult path as I have chosen that being to … STAND ALONE.

 

Standing Alone

I have been wounded.  I can heal the Self.

I can bend… I will not be broken.

I will fail.  I have fallen..

I have risen.  I will succeed.

I am determined.

Standing Alone…I will walk the journey of Self. Discovery

-Dr. Micheal Kane

 

Standing Alone….. The Unspoken Truth

The Unspoken Truth: Standing Alone Within The Black Community

“I get on and off the mat every damn day.  Every day I go in and face people who either ignore or disrespect me. I feel alone and abandoned. Every day I trudge forward.  Every day.” – Mark

“You niggers are wondering how you are going to be treated after the war.  Well, I’ll tell you, you are going to be treated exactly like you were before the war; this is a white man’s country and we expect to rule it.” -New Orleans (LA) White City Official Welcome Home Greeting to African-American Troops returning from combat WWI (Barbeau & Henri 1974, p.173)

“In 1943, in Centerville, Mississippi, a white sheriff intervened in a fistfight between a white soldier and black one.  After the black solider got the upper hand, the sheriff shot him to death, then asked the white soldier, “Any more niggers you want killed?’ (Edgerton, 2001, p.136)

“I was utterly powerless.  The State has no troops, and if the civil authorities in Ellisville are helpless, the State is equally so.  Furthermore, excitement is at such a high pitch through South Mississippi that any attempt to interfere with the mob would doubtless result in the death of hundreds of persons.  The Negro confessed, says he is ready to die, and nobody can keep the inevitable from happening.”

-Governor Theodore Bilbo of Mississippi, on why he didn’t stop a lynching                    (Barbeau & Henri 1974, p.177)

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My Dear Readers:

There are three major stressors that can strike or induce fear within the core of the psychological self of the African-American individual.  These stressors are the following:

• Aloneness- Whatever the activity or environment, (social, work, recreational, etc.,) the African-American individual is usually the easily recognized minority within the group. At some point the individual struggles with isolation and lack of group identification.
• Shame is a powerful emotion. Shaming is often utilized in the African-American community to maintain adherence to group norms.  It may lead to a wide range of mental health and public health impacts for individuals including self-esteem/concept issues, depression, addiction, eating disorders, bullying, suicide, family violence, and sexual assault.
• Abandonment can result from being impacted by both aloneness and shame. Abandonment is a subjective emotional state where the individual feels undesired, left behind or discarded. People experiencing emotional abandonment may feel lost and cut off from a crucial source of support either suddenly or through a process of gradual erosion.  Rejection, which is a significant component of emotional abandonment, has a biological impact in that it activates the physical pain centers in the brain and can leave an emotional imprint in the brain’s warming system.

Simply stated, unwanted loneliness, shaming and abandonment can be traumatic and have direct devastating impacts on the individual’s psychological self and physical health.

In this new blog series, The Unspoken Truth, we will focus on historical and inter-generational trauma experiences of members of the African-American diaspora.  The African-American diaspora refers to communities of people outside of the United States who are descended from people of African descent who were enslaved in the United States or the prior British colonies along the east coast of North America.

The above three quotes are taken from my publication Our Blood Flows Red: Trauma and African-American Men in Military Service: Clinical Implications for Working with African-American Veterans with Complex Trauma (2010).  Within the writing, I cite numerous incidents and experiences of African-American veterans in military service from the American Civil War through Desert Storm.

As this blog article is being published I am visiting the Museé du Louvre in Paris, France, researching the participation of black (colored) troops during WWI.

 

So why is the blog writing The Unspoken Truth important? 

• The Unspoken Truth is important because as the African American author Cynthia A. Patterson has stated:

“Those who don’t know their history are doomed to repeat it.  You have to expose who you are so that you can determine what you need to become.”

• The Unspoken Truth is important because of men and women like former Baltimore Police Officer & US Marine Corps Veteran Arthur Williams who are committed to public service and who have often given this nation the “supreme sacrifice.”

• The Unspoken Truth is important because the African-American community must never forgot that its children often STAND ALONE. We must never abandon our sons & daughters. 

• The Unspoken Truth is important because” ‘To err is human’ is a common expression, but we should not believe there is always room for error. In some cases, there is no room for error.  None. “ -Ten Flashes of Light, The Journey of Self Discovery (Dr. Micheal Kane)

 

Those who don’t know their history are doomed to repeat it.  You have to expose who you are so that you are determined what you need to become.”- Cynthia A. Patterson

Many do not know that two segregated divisions (eight regiments) of African-American soldiers (the 92^nd and 93^rd) served in the American Expeditionary Forces (AEF) fighting in France.  These troops were not allowed to fight under the American flag and instead were “loaned” to the French military, serving under the French flag, wearing French uniforms and using equipment supplied by the French government.

One of these regiments, the 369^th “Harlem Hell-Fighters,” served in combat 191 days longer than any other unit in the AEF.  They gave no ground, and not a single soldier deserted or was taken prisoner.  The 369^th regiment was highly valued by the French High Command and was rewarded by being given the honor of being the first unit of the Allied armies to cross the Rhine into Germany.   The French commander General Goybet, in referring to the stamina of the African-American soldier stated:

“The most formidable defenses, the strongest machine gun nests, the most crushing artillery barrages were unable to stop them.  These superior troops have overcome everything with supreme disdain of death, and thanks to their courageous sacrifice, for nine days of hard fighting always maintained the front rank in the victorious advance.”

At the end of the war, General Goybet, speaking directly to the African-American soldiers said:

“Dear friends from America, when you re-cross the ocean, do not forget the Red Hand Division.  Our pure brotherhood in arms has been consecrated in the blood of the brave.  These bonds will never be severed.  Always keep the memory of your general, who is proud of having been your commander, and remember his affectionate gratitude.”

However, the African-American soldiers were never allowed to celebrate and were never recognized for their participation in the war.  Towards the conclusion of WWI, when African American combat troops were reassigned back to American military command, they were not allowed to participate in the victory parade in Paris on Bastille Day.  Furthermore, the white American command denied their representation in the huge war mural, “Le Pantheon de la Guerre,” which depicts representations of all allied soldiers who contributed to the final victory.

The final humiliation occurred when these same African-American soldiers, combat hardened from many battles, were assigned to labor battalions charged with recovering unexploded artillery shells and reburying the war dead, highly psychologically and physically traumatizing work.

 

Men and women like former Baltimore Police Officer & US Marine Corps Veteran Arthur Williams who are committed to public service and who have often given to this nation the ‘supreme sacrifice”

 Following the most recent blog The Visible Man: Balancing the Black Code of Silence on the Thin Blue Line, I received scathing rebuke for my support of Officer Williams and my “shaming” of the African-American community regarding its lack of support, its abandonment and its unyielding criticism of the black police officer following the release of the video nationwide.

Officer Williams has been charged but has pleaded not guilty. He has not had his day in court.  However, he has already been convicted in the court of public opinion, particularly within the black community.  Of most concern were the open relentless public attacks by leading black media:

• “He resigned because of the shame of letting his people down was to much to bear.”
• “Arthur Williams, you have become what your community hates.”
• “An investigation has been ordered. What the hell is an investigation needed for?  We investigated the video all weekend.  We can clearly see what is going on.”

These are examples of chronic or excessive shaming.  The primary objective is to make the targeted person feel unworthy, defective and empty.   Shame can be debilitating, toxic and extremely destructive.  Shame separates the individual from the psychological self.  It creates an internal crisis that attacks the inner core, triggering a downward spiral of negative self-talk.

Shame can be defined in several ways:

• A painful emotion caused by a strong sense of guilt, embarrassment, unworthiness or disgrace.
• An act that brings dishonor, disgrace or public condemnation.
• An object of great disappointment.

 

The African-American community must never forget that its children often STAND ALONE.  We must never abandon our sons & daughters.  NEVER.

Across the United States, the fall season of 2018 marks the beginning of another academic school year.  For many of these youngsters, this time marks the beginning of the latest leg of their journey of academic achievement.  It is also a reality that due to a shortage of African-American male teachers, administrators, mentors, counselors and other allied staff, m many of these youngsters will never see or engage with appropriate male figures of their same ethnicity during their formative educational journeys.

To attempt to fill the gap and provide experiences for these children, African-American males from various professions and occupations throughout the nation have begun to welcome these children to their first days of school and encourage their positive start to the school year.  Many of these men arrive in business suits, and uniforms/equipment representing their diverse professions, trades and occupations.

The message that is communicated both verbally and by their presence is that “we are here to support you” and “you are not alone’ and “we stand with you”.  The children rush to line up and receive “high fives,” cheers and applause from these male role models as they march into the building or classroom.

Let’s assume that one of these children lives in a single parent household was so inspired by one of these men that he decided to dedicate to his life to public service.  Let’s assume that the visual presentation of these men modeled for this young child teamwork, brotherhood and images as to what a black man stood for.

Let’s assume that this experience led to him joining the United States Marine Corps and serving two tours in combat risking his life for his country.  Then let’s assume that following military service, this young man became a police officer in the community that he grew up.  Duty, honor, teamwork, and brotherhood were his foundation from observing those men as a little boy who did not have father figure in the home.

Then let’s assume that this young man has become an icon for his community, a loving husband, an excellent father, providing care for his disabled mother and when possible, serving in mentorship roles for black boys who grew up “just like him.”  All of this beginning with the observation of those committed black men who came to his elementary school every year to provide support and encouragement.

Then one fateful day…. this young man, usually calm when working with members of the community, loses his cool and assaults a citizen while in the process of carrying out his duties as a law enforcement officer.  Following the incident, his employers and the community he has served both vilify the young man in the media and turned him into a pariah.

Twenty years ago, this little boy looked up to the group of men and trusted that they would be there for him.  Yesterday he was a valued member of his community, well respected.  Today, without having the opportunity to tell his side, he has been branded by public opinion and rejected by the community he loves. Consequently, he must now respond to the three major stressors that can induce fear within the core of the psychological self of the African-American individual; loneliness, being shamed, and abandonment.

 

“To err is human” is a common expression, but we should not believe there is always room for error.  In some cases, there is no room for error.  None. “Ten Flashes of Light, The Journey of Self Discovery (Dr. Micheal Kane)

Prior to leaving for Paris, France, I had a therapy session involving a young African-American male whom I will call Mark.  He is an articulate, well-spoken college educated African-American man in his 30s who has been married five years and recently announced that he and his spouse were pregnant.  Mark has no history of arrest/convictions. Mark is a low-level manager in the service industry.

Mark initially came to therapy to process his feelings of workplace invisibility and conflict stating the following:

 “I get on and off the mat ever damn day.  Every day I go in and face people who either ignore or disrespect me. I feel alone and abandoned. Every day I trudge forward.  Every day.”

The evening that Mark came to session, he was enraged, reacting to three incidents that had occurred the prior day.   First, he had the ongoing stress of having to wear the “mask of politeness” while dealing with people who he felt disrespected him daily.  Second, he had a bitter and intense argument with his spouse, who he felt, due to the pregnancy, was being a ‘bitch.”

To cool off from these two events, Mark decides to see the movie Won’t You Be My Neighbor, about Fred Rogers of Mr. Rogers’ Neighborhood, selecting  this movie because of its “calming and aesthetic qualities.” As the movie begins, Mark pulls out his cell phone to turn off the sound, and a white male sitting behind him, under the mistaken belief that Mark is about to talk on the phone during the movie, throws a handful of napkins at him, initiating the third and most significant incident.

The napkins miss Mark’s head narrowly, but Mark turns to the man and loudly shouts in front of many (also white) witnesses:

“I will kill you if you ever throw anything at me again.”

Mark subsequently sits back down to watch the movie. As he does, the anger brews within Mark.  Following the end of the movie, Mark has a few choice words with the man and then proceeds to lie in wait for him at the exit door.

The man, seeing Mark outside the door waiting on him, instead sent his female date to the exit to see if the “coast was clear’.  Upon spotting Mark, she begins talking on her cell.  Mark, assuming she was calling 911, abruptly left the area.  As for the storm of anger, fortunate for the man and Mark himself, that storm exploded in my office instead.

In session, Mark is sober and intense.  The incident at the theater is over, but Mark is still triggered.  So, I asked the question: what was your plan once the man came out of the theater?  Mark exploded with the following:

• I wanted to go through him
• I wanted to break him into a thousand pieces
• I wanted to destroy him
• “You don’t throw things at a grown man…He broke the rule”
• This guy represented everything I hate about my life.

There it is.  Mark was able to see that real issue wasn’t the third incident; rather it was really about the totality of him being a black man having to endure disrespect and invisibility on a daily basis.  Mark was able to realize that he had, for just that moment, lost his perspective, and in doing so, placed himself at risk of being arrested, convicted and possibly shot if the wrong police officer were to arrive—incidents that would no doubt significantly impact his life and the life of his family.

Fortunately, during the therapy session, Mark was able to step away (take a respite,) hold his feelings (embrace his reactions,) walk the journey (reflect on his feelings & thoughts,) share his words (respond externally,) and then consider alternative strategies (reevaluate his actions.)  The goal of doing this is to assist Mark in “getting on and off the mat every damn day” while avoiding the possibility of enduring damaging consequences.    His reality is simple… whether he likes it or not, he must return to that mat “every damn day.”

“To err is human”….. In some cases, there is no room for error. 

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Concluding Words

My Dear Readers,

I write for the general readership, but in some cases, I address concluding words to specific populations.  In the last blog, I addressed my concluding words to the African-American community.  Today, I address my remarks to three specific groups:

• The little black boys and girls who are beginning their first days in elementary school.
• The group of black men standing at the school house; representing professions, occupations and trades who come to the elementary school house every fall term to welcome the children to school.
• African-American parents.

 

The little black boys and girls

My Dear Little Ones,

As you begin your journey, I encourage you to stay focused and remember that no matter what your dreams are, only you can make your dreams come true.  There may come a time in which individuals will offer words of encouragement or “promises” seeking to motivate your success. Remember:

• Learn to be careful with who you choose to share. Decide after careful consideration who to trust. Then trust with caution and consistently verify.
• Respect all, love all, and yet remember that trust is earned, not given away, to the undeserving.

 

The group of black men standing at the schoolhouse.

“Beware of Greeks bearing gifts.” – Virgil, The Aeneid (II, 49)

My Dear Brothers,

Every year around the beginning of the school year, I always get a call from so & so individual or organization stating that “the brothers” are going to show up at a school to welcome back black youngsters and encourage them to have a good school year.  The only requirement is that the men must appear in either suits/ties or the uniform and tools of their professions.

I always politely decline.  My response is always the same.  I’m busy.  What, too busy to welcome back black boys and girls?  Nope, too busy preparing to assist the psychologically wounded and emotionally devastated little and big ones who are isolated, alone and abandoned after you welcome them back to school.

My dear brothers, arriving at school wearing your suits and uniforms, clean shaven and smelling good are great for the imagery and photo opportunities that you will no doubt receive in the media.  However, what happens after the cameras are gone? My brothers, are you in the classrooms?  Are you in the hallways?  Are you mentoring our youngsters?  Can they come to you and share their stories, their pain and their nightmares?

Why is it always an elementary school?  What about choosing a middle school?  Even better, choose a high school … to come and greet the upcoming adolescents and young women and men who are soon to join us and must struggle in a world that is often hostile or uncaring…to us.  Instead, you consistently select elementary schools whose principals are so starved for positive black role models, that they are falling on top of each other to invite you in…. for your photo op.

My Brothers, there is a saying “Beware of Greeks bearing gifts.”  It means to not trust enemies bringing who bring you presents, for they could very well be playing a trick.  You may not be the enemy in this situation, but encouragement and no follow through causes one to consider whether or not you are bringing gifts full of false promises leading to psychological and emotional wounding.

My brothers, if you are angry after reading this, I invite you to be with that anger.  Feel it out and inquire of yourself why you feel that way. Accept that anger as a natural part of you but get curious about what you have experienced that has triggered that in you.

Transformation and self-discovery can only occur by exploring the depth of your feelings and finding the root cause of it, instead of mindlessly finding a way to just dull the symptoms of it. Be willing to walk the journey of self-discovery with yourself.

As black men, we are psychologically wounded.  We have endured. We have suffered. And we have survived.  Healing is our responsibility.  Now is the time to empower the psychological self.  I leave you with the following “Flashes of Light” for your psychological tool kit:

“Once burned, we learn.  If we do not learn, we only insure that we will be burn again and again and again until…we learn.” – Dr. Micheal Kane, “Ten Flashes of Light”

 

The African-American Parent

My Dear Parent,

I believe we live in a time where society shows less tolerance for our errors and provides far more opportunities for our failures.  My patient Mark learned after the theater incident the same lesson that Officer Arthur Williams learned: that   “To err is human, and … In some cases, there is no room for error.  None.  Mark was fortunate to have a therapy session where he could explore the S Pathways:

• having a safe and secure place (therapy)
• where he could search within the psychological self,
• ending the silence and
• releasing the submerged materials lying deeply below.
• Mark was able to sustain security in self,
• reinforcing his self-esteem and self-concept
• during his work of self-discovery.

I am currently consulting with a white colleague on a case in which the father, an African-American believes that a child needs to learn early and often to “do as they are told by authority and accept what they might see as unfairness and learn obedience.”  The father feels that if his son does not learn to obey without protest, he is at risk in the future of being killed.

The black father has good intentions and is clearly concerned about the physical safety of his child.   However, the father is “reacting” as he is “living in his fear” and is therefore unable to see the possible psychological wounding or traumatization he may be unwittingly setting up for his son.

It remains essential for African-American parents to learn healthy methods to assist their children to live and thrive in hostile or non-supportive environments.  Children should be encouraged to learn when it is appropriate to question authority and when it is essential to remain silent, essentially balancing physical safety and psychological wellness.  One such method is Five Steps of Alertness:

• Alertness is the state of active attention. It is being watchful and prepared to meet danger or emergency, or being quick to perceive, analyze a situation and act to either protect or secure the self.
• Awareness is the ability to directly know and perceive, to feel, to be cognizant of events. More broadly, it is the state of being conscious of one’s surroundings.  Awareness may be focused on what is occurring internally such as a visceral feeling, or on events occurring in the external environment.
• Aloneness is the ability to recognize one’s gender or ethnicity as unique. There will be situations where, through no fault of yours, you may be considered to be separate from or different than others within the same or similar group.
• Abandonment is an emotional state in which the individual may feel undesired, left behind or discarded. The individual can protect the psychological self, minimizing the impact by reinforcing one’s self esteem and self-concept.
• Alive & Well is actively engaging in the pursuits of self-determination. It is the activity of moving toward self-empowerment and self-actualization—that is, the attainment of dreams and desires.  It is the individual’s responsibility, and it cannot be delegated or assigned to another individual.

It is the parent’s responsibility to provide empowerment strategies so that our children learn to live WITH their fear, and not be stifled by living IN our fear.  If our children are to stand on our shoulders it must be done with advocacy, balance and calmness.

Empowerment can begin by adding the following ‘Flashes of Light” to the parental psychological tool kit.  Teach your children the following:

• Life is like a marathon. Finish the race; don’t worry about coming in first place.  Cross the finish line.  Just finish the race.  Finish what you start.
• A wise person learns from their mistakes, makes corrections and finds the right path; the foolish one will continue without direction, never finding the path even when it is in front of their face.

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“When Will You Be Satisfied?”

“We can never be satisfied as long as the Negro is the victim of unspeakable horrors of police brutality.

We can never be satisfied as long as our children are stripped of their self-hood and robbed of their dignity.

No. No. We are not satisfied, and we will not be satisfied until justice rolls down like water and righteous like a mighty stream.”

-Martin Luther King

Standing Alone……The Unspoken Truth