From Princess to Powerful Woman

“A monster. You and your friends, all of you. Pretty monsters. It’s a stage all girls go through. If you’re lucky you get through it without doing any permanent damage to yourself or anyone else.”

Kelly Link

“Adolescents are not monsters. They are just people trying to learn how to make it among the adults in the world, who are probably not so sure themselves.”~Virginia Satir

 

My Dear Readers,

The above quotes represent two different mental approaches when it comes to parenting adolescents.  Adolescence is the stage in which the child no longer views him or herself as a child. In their still-developing minds, the wisdom of the parent is now meaningless in comparison with their friends.

Adolescence may be a time for teenagerst o  to separate from their parents and find their individual selves, but for the parent, it may be a time of trauma and drama.  For parents, this is the recognition that a stranger, in the form of their child, has come into their household.

To all parents regarding all of the above: This too shall pass.  You will survive.

Below is such a story……..

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Dear Dr. Kane:

I am a single African-American woman with two children, one 8 years old, and my 15-year old daughter.  Simply put, the 15-year old is lazy.   I simply can’t get her to do anything.

We’ve just moved into a new house. Before the move, we lived in a small apartment for 18 months, and she had to sleep in a space the size of a closet.  Now she has a huge spacious room with her own bathroom. You would think that she would be grateful for that to at least move her own stuff into it, but here we are, my boyfriend and I, huffing, puffing and sweating while we move boxes, and what is she doing?  Sitting comfortably on the couch talking to her girlfriends on her cellphone!

What the hell is wrong with young people today?  She sees us working hard, so why do I have to tell her to help us move her stuff?  I don’t have to inform her when it is time to get her hair done every two weeks, or to remind her that it’s time for soccer practice. So, when these things happen, I become the female version of the Hulk, yelling, screaming etc.  Oh yeah, I got her attention.  And she has the #@#*@ nerve to have an attitude?

So, as punishment I tell her that she has to catch the bus this year, and that there will be no school shopping for clothes.  The tears began to flow, she starts pleading and promising to be more attentive.  I eventually gave in, took her to soccer practice, and afterwards, we went school shopping.

My boyfriend and my friends get on me for either always letting her off the hook or changing on the punishment.  I know I shouldn’t do that, but I feel so guilty.   I want her to have the life that my mother, who was also a single parent, was unable to provide for me.

My daughter does well in school and outside of being lazy and selfish, she is a good girl.  However, I am worried about helping my daughter to become an independent, capable, self-secure, and functioning black woman and a contributing member of society.  I feel guilty that her father is not involved.  To make up for this loss, I have attempted to become friends with my daughter and give her breaks.  Have I created a spoiled brat? I know that my strategy is not working.  Do you have any advice for me?

Frazzled in Seattle

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My Dear Woman,

First I want to congratulate you on your journey.  It is clear that you have worked hard to create a good life for your family. I see the conflict that you are dealing with.   

Believe it or not, the conflict I see has nothing to do with the interaction between you and your daughter.  I am referring to the internal conflict that lies within you as a person, not you as a parent.

Psychologically speaking, conflict can be defined as a condition where a person experiences a clash of opposing wishes or needs.  It is clear that the wishes you may have regarding making sure that your daughter has the lifestyle you didn’t is in direct opposition with your need to prepare your daughter to enter the world as a capable, functioning black woman, and that is what is leaving you “frazzled.”

To assist you in this endeavor, I would suggest a model I have created for influencing adolescent development on the way to early adulthood. The model, R.A.C.E. (responsibility, accountability, consequences and empowerment) are responses to the various “jump off points” from adolescence to adulthood.

The breakdown of the model is as follows:

  • Responsibility– to obtain reasonable steps of freedom and independence, the adolescent must want to accept the burden of being responsible for one’s behaviors and actions.
  • Accountability-the adolescent, and no one else, will be held to account for their behaviors and actions.
  • Consequences are responses to, not punishments for, the actions/behaviors taken or in other situations, not taken.
  • Empowerment-comes from within the individual. It is up to the individual to set one’s direction and work towards reaching their goals.

However, this model and these strategies are meaningless if the parental figure is not willing to show their adolescent the  commitment, consistency, communications and community necessary to prepare them for adulthood and becoming a contributing member of society.  Specifically, the parental figure must show:

  • Commitment to the identified strategies
  • Consistency during times of parental duress
  • Communications as to the openness in words and actions taken
  • Community of fellowship as a result of sharing common attitudes, interests and goals.

It is a reality that parents want their adolescents to consciously show positive behavior.  However, it is also a reality that adolescents consciously and unconsciously model the behaviors of their parental figures. Are you, as a parent, willing to accept the fact that your own actions and behaviors are a factor in your daughter’s unacceptable behaviors?

  • What is your daughter learning when you don’t follow through with appropriate discipline?
    • Response-She learns she can manipulate through whining and complaining.
  • What does your daughter learn when you don’t follow through with agreements you have made?
    • Response-She learns that keeping her word and commitments mean nothing.  Furthermore, she will stop trusting you and terminate honest communication, which is an important part of staying involved in your adolescent’s life.
  • What does your daughter learn when she is rewarded fancy clothes, social activities and financial resources when she has not contributed to the well-being of herself or of her family?
    • Response-She learns to become a dependent, incapable, nonfunctioning, insecure black woman who is unable to become a contributing member of society.

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Concluding Words

My Dear Woman,

I want to conclude with responding to your question, i.e. “Have I created a spoiled brat?”  A brat is usually defined as a humorous term for a child, typically a badly behaved one.

Given this definition, no, you have not created a spoiled brat.  Your daughter is past the developmental stage of child where such behavior is either laughed at or tolerated. As parents, it is not our role to becomes friends with our adolescents.  It is our responsibility to set standards, provide structure; guidance and a foundation from which they can be catapulted into adulthood. The parental role is similar to that of a therapist in that we seek to create a safe place for others to explore, find themselves and achieve self-discovery.  We can be friendly, and yet, we must not be friends.

Once parents and therapists cross that boundary line, they lose perspective on the objective, which is to assist our children in becoming functioning members of the society and world that they are about to inherit.   Our young people need the opportunity to make mistakes and to learn from those mistakes.  This is the essence of adolescence.

It is unfortunate that her father has decided to not be a part of your daughter’s life. There is a saying in the African-American community,

“It is what it is and it ain’t what it ain’t.” 

What this means is you “is” her mother and you “ain’t” her father.  Understanding this, you cannot replace him, nor can you ease the pain she feels.  As her parent, however (and not her friend), you can be supportive by honestly answering her questions about her father to the best of your ability and in being there to assist her to process the pain she will no doubt have.

In approximately 4-5 years, your daughter will leave home, hopefully attend college, and in doing so, enter the adult world.  You are now on the clock and time waits for no one. Please take the opportunity to consider the questions and utilize the model that has been provided.  You can achieve your objective of assisting your daughter to be to an independent, capable, functioning secured black woman and a contributing member of society. However, the time to parent is now.

“A wise person learns from his/her mistakes, makes corrections and finds the right path; the foolish one will continue without direction, never finding the road even when it is in front of his/her face.”

– Ten Flashes of Light on the Journey of Life

I wish you well.

Dr. Kane… The Visible Man

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Dear Absent Father: No Free Lunch For You

 

It has been said, “time heals all wounds.”  I do not agree.  The wounds remain.  In time, the mind, protecting its sanity, covers them with scar tissue and the pain lessens.  But it is never gone.

-Rose Kennedy

 

 Time is simply time. Time waits for no one.  It is the therapeutic work we do that assists in healing the traumatic wound.

-Dr. Micheal Kane 

 

My Dear Readers,

What goes through the minds and hearts of fathers who walk away and abandon their children?   How does one deny the anguish they put their children through, knowing the psychological devastation that is created by their actions?

Clinical traumatology is my passion.  It truly is a gift to sit with my patients and help them work to balance their suffering.  I take pride in being a guide and companion, assisting them to find the light and to hold to their paths even during the most painful of experiences.  The times that are the most difficult for me in this line of work is when I am working with children and adolescents who are struggling with the trauma of being abandoned by male parents.  Seven in 10 children living with a single mother are poor or low-income, compared with less than a third of children living in other types of families.

Today, nearly one-fourth (24%) of the 75 million children under 18 in the United States live in a single-parent family.  Of the 18.1 million children in single-parent families, 9.2 million are under 9 years of age. The likelihood of having a single parent varies widely across different racial/ethnic groups:

  • White children – one-sixth or 16%
  • Latino children-one-fourth or 27%
  • African-American children-one-half or 52%.

This is the story of one adolescent, Michelle (not her real name), who speaks from her heart about the lies, broken promises and dashed hopes of her broken family.

This is her story…..

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September 29, 2015

My name is Michelle.  I am 14 years old.   I attend a school in the Puget Sound region.  Today is the second time that my dad has canceled his visitation time with me and my sister.  Everyone tells me it’s going to be okay, but it’s really not.  I don’t have a dad, and my life sucks.  This is the worst time of my life.

Every time he texts me to say he can’t see me, he comes up with these corny worthless excuses.  I still remember the first time that he told me that he has four children.  I was shocked, mad and confused. Honestly, I’m still in shock about everything.

All day every day, I sit in my room and think about the damage he has done to my family.  I don’t like to talk about my dad or his second family.  The thing that pisses me off the most is how he can just walk out and leave us. I am so angry about the drama and crap he has brought to my family.  I hate him.  I am ashamed to call him my dad.  I wish he wasn’t my dad.  I wish I were never born.  I want to die.  Why can’t my life be normal?  I am angry, concerned, embarrassed, and confused.

I am thankful for what family I have right now because if they weren’t here, I don’t know what I would do or what I would be without them.  The thing that hurts me the most is how my dad and I were so close and how he was the funniest BEST DAD EVER. Now he is the worst dad ever. I can’t even call him my dad at this point.  I’m just disgusted with him and his decisions.   My dad is sick.  He has ruined my life and brought permanent darkness to my family.

He used to be a great dad.  He always supported me at my games and now, he won’t even hang out with me.  He has abandoned my sister and me.

He has put my mother in jail for domestic violence.  I will never forget the first time the police came at night and took my mom away from me for nearly two weeks due to a restraining order he requested.  I cried every night.

I am going to show him that I can be successful without him.  I am going to finish school and one day become a surgeon.  I will never trust him or another man ever again.

Michelle, age 14

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The therapeutic work of trauma 

The forced removal of her mother and abandonment by her father has created the unresolved fear of chronic impending devastation in Michelle.  Following intense anxiety, nightmares, flashbacks of her mother being taken and fearing powerless and lacking control, Michelle retreats into her private world, one in which she could control and block others out.

The focus of our trauma therapy sessions are to provide Michelle a safe and secure space to release her feelings.   Since she was unable to release her anger at her father, we had many intense sessions where I, as the therapist, became a safe target for her frustrations.

Michelle is responding to confusion and conflict.  She does not understand why her father would abandon her, whom he used to call his “copilot”.   She is conflicted; filled with both anger at his behavior, and the love for her memories of her good times with him. In our sessions, I focus on helping Michelle to process her feelings of denial and disbelief and assist her in moving towards accepting and healing from the abandonment of her father.  Her writing represents a willingness to let go of her anger towards her father as well as the trauma of her mother being taken away by the police.

However, Michelle’s remark about wishing that she’d never been born, alarming though it may be, is a response that is normal in therapy, and an appropriate response to her scattered feelings:

“Why can’t my life be normal?  I am angry, concerned, embarrassed, and confused.”

The statement of “I want to die” is as a serious response to the trauma and damage which has been done by feelings of betrayal and actions of abandonment.  The suicidal ideation is then balanced with Michelle’s futuristic insight i.e. the desire to finish school and become a surgeon.  Although suicidal wording was verbalized, there has never been a gesture or attempt by Michelle to end her life.  Currently, the focus is on her success as a way for her to respond to her father’s rejection.

In therapy, we focus on Michelle advocating for herself, and in doing so, attain inner balance and calmness in her external environment.   In directing her energies towards her future success, she will, in time, achieve that balance with her anger towards her father.

Concluding Words

“You can run, but you can’t hide from Self.”

There is no free lunch.  Others are paying for your meal.  In this case, many children and adolescents like Michelle are paying the cost for those fathers who simply walk away from their families.  Sadly, many of these children continue to suffer in silence, blaming themselves for their fathers’ actions.

Michelle, however, is doing well these days; working towards her goal of becoming a surgeon.  Will she fully recover from the trauma? No. Trauma is a permanent scar on the psychological self.  These feelings will never ever go away.  However, Michelle is learning to balance these feelings in her life.

How will she respond to the actions of betrayal and abandonment?   Sadly, but understandably, Michelle has a lingering distrust towards black men.  Other men in her life may have to pay for the actions of her father.   If she continues to focus on her therapeutic work, however, she may be able to develop healthy relationships with men.

To Michelle’s Daddy:

You have no one to hold accountable except yourself regarding your decision to abandon your children.  Your daughter, your former copilot, will succeed and fly on her own in spite of you.  Your daughter will achieve in spite of you.

She will fly high, far and long; free of the pain and suffering left in your wake. In spite of you.

Until the next crossroads….the journey continues.

Coming Out: Nightmare or Gift?

 

“Darkness cannot drive out darkness: only light can do that.  Hate cannot drive out hate. Only love can do that.”

-Martin Luther King Jr.

 

My Dear Readers,

There comes a time when a parent may have to choose between their spiritual and cultural beliefs and their love for their children. There are times where we as parents get stuck in the darkness of our beliefs. In these times, we should look to the wisdom and strength of our adolescents to show us the light.

This is such a story…..

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Dear Dr. Kane

I hope you can help me.  My husband and I have prayed, we’ve met with our pastor, and we are now considering seeking counseling.  My 15 year-old son has recently informed us that he was gay.  Needless to say, we were shocked, as was the core of our family unit shaken. We are a strong Christian family, and we attend church services regularly.  My husband is a renowned senior deacon and I am the director of the Sunday school my son has attended since kindergarten.  Due to our positions and standing within our church, we are concerned about the response this will cause should anyone find out this information.

He brought us together and told us after last Sunday’s meal. The first thing my husband said was: “You’re telling me that you are a faggot?” I just burst out in tears.

My husband and I are confused.  Our son is very masculine.  He’s on the first-string varsity teams in both basketball and football, and he is co-captain of the football team.  While he was growing up, we never saw any indication that he was interested in other boys. Since the announcement, my husband remains emotionally distant from our son. He avoids speaking to him more than is necessary. As a result, our son is devastated and withdrawn.  It is difficult for me to watch, because I know how much my son admires his father.

My son told me in confidence that he is attracted to another boy who is in his class.  He asked him out on a date to the first school dance.  The other boy said yes, and the look on my son’s face as he was telling me was priceless.  I want to tell my husband, but I am concerned as to how he will react.

My husband is a good man.  I know he loves our son and is proud of his achievements in his academics and sports.   He is always bragging to the other fathers in the church about him.  Now, he comes up with excuses not to attend his football games.

My son tells me that he has already told his close friends, who also attend our church.  He was happy when they reacted positively by giving him fist bumps.   However, knowing how our community feels about homosexuality, I am fearful of what will happen should the church members and our close friends find out.

Please advise me what to do.  What do I say to his younger brother, who looks up to him? How do I address the relationship between my son and his father?  How do I bring them together?  Can counseling help?  What would you do if you were in my place?  I would appreciate any resources or recommendations you have.

Fearful Mom, Federal Way WA

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My Dear Woman,

Before I begin to respond to your concerns, I want to applaud the maturity your son has shown in his actions and behavior.   I can only assume he is fully aware of your strong religious beliefs.  Understanding this, he chose not to hide and instead brought the two of you together as his parents to share this part of himself. For families, the home must be seen as a safe and secure space where the individual can find shelter from an often hostile external world.  When the safety and security of the home has been psychologically impacted, it is essential that harmony be reestablished.

I have a therapeutic model that can assist in responding to this situation.  The model is called S.A.F.E.T.Y:

(S)  Slow down your mental and emotional processing. Work towards calmness in the psychological self.

  • Statements and actions coming from reactions of panic and desperation may create more stress and have long-term implications.
  • For example, being asked a derogatory and vulgar question about his sexual identity by his father may have a detrimental impact on your son’s self-esteem and self-confidence.

(A.) Acceptance that the experience that has created moments of emotional unbalance.  Moving forward, focus on healing and not removal of the experience.

  • The experience is now a permanent fixture within the psychological self. It cannot be removed, replaced or transformed.
  • This is the time that your son needs his parents the most. Do you think it was easy for him to bring his parents together and tell you his truth?  Especially, since he knows your beliefs about homosexuality, your elevated positions in the church, and in the African-American community?

(F) Focus on the choice of living with fear instead of living in fear.

  • You and your husband have to choose whether to focus on what the church community and your friends will say once the “word” gets out, or not. If you choose the former, then you will have chosen to live in fear of the gossip and how it will impact your standing in the church and community.
  • If you choose to focus on the wellness of your family and to be physically and emotionally available for your son, then you have chosen to live with fear and not allow the gossip to hold and control you and your relationship with your son.

(E) Empower the self to transform.  Where change can be temporary and thus unstable, moving back and forth, in transformation there is no going back, one can only go forward. You move forward with a sense of direction and permanence.

  • Your son showed incredible courage in sharing his sexual identity with you, knowing that he will be subjected to rude and mocking remarks.
  • Consider the pressure and stress that your son endured knowing once he made his sexual feelings/identity known, there was no turning back. Understanding this, he still chose to go forward, sharing awareness and not maintaining secrets from you.

(T) Trust and listen to your own inner voice.  Allow the self and its love to guide you.

  • Consider the willingness of your son to have trust in his direction as he steps out into the unknown.
  • Consider the belief and faith that you had in getting to where you are today. Have the willingness to trust what may become a new journey.

(Y) Your journey; you are standing at the crossroads and only you can decide in direction you will travel.

  • If your church and community is unwilling to accept your son, you may have to choose between your church, your community, and your son.
  • Identify your true friends and support base as you continue to ponder your decision. Will they continue to stand by you?  Or will they be silent 

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Concluding Words

My Dear Woman,

When your son’s date accepted his invitation to the school dance, your son shared his joy with you. You saw the joy on his face.  He shared with you a very special moment.  In doing so he gave you a gift.  The fact that he told you is meaningful and special. Are you willing to accept it?

Resolving the relationship between father and son.

What can you do regarding their relationship? Answer: be a bystander, do nothing.  Your focus should be on building a closer relationship between yourself and your son.  Do not allow yourself to be placed in the middle and be forced to choose sides.  You cannot win, and you will not be able to navigate the distance between the two of them. Your husband may be experiencing an internal conflict between the societal and cultural meaning of maleness as it relates to African-American fatherhood and his love for his son.  He may also be responding to feelings of shame and humiliation in relationship to the other fathers involved in church and sports activities. If so, only he can bring resolution to these feelings.

Furthermore, both your husband and son may have unresolved feelings regarding the derogatory and vulgar question your husband asked when your son came out to you.  However, your husband does not “owe” your son an apology.  If he truly has such a derogatory view of his own son, then he should stand firm on what he said and in doing so, allow the son to see his father as he truly is, a bigot who is unable to love his son for the person that he is instead of the person that he wants him to be. However, if your husband sees and accepts that he has committed an injury to his son, then he should extend to him the  “gift of an apology,” as an apology is a gift from one to another and not a debt that is due or owed.

Relationships among family and friends

Your son is moving towards developing a healthy sense of self as well as positive self-esteem.  He has informed his friends and in doing so, he took the risk of losing those friendships.

In regards to his younger sibling, given as to how much his younger brother looks up to him it is highly unlikely that your son’s sexuality will change the love that thrives between the two.  Of course, you can assist in this by working to resolve your own feelings about your son’s sexuality.

Recommendations & Resources

  • I would recommend family counseling to assist the family members in exploring ways to communicate openly as well as explore concerns relating to sexual identity
  • Contact the PFLAG chapter (i.e. Parents & Friends of Lesbians and Gays) nearest to your community
  • List of resources available on the website of Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual & Transgender Health (LGBT Health) located on the home page for Center for Disease Control & Prevention (CDC)

Finally, you asked, “What would you do if you were in my place?

If I found myself in a similar situation, I would embrace my son and continue to assist him in preparing to live openly in a world that may not be welcoming to his sexual orientation or racial identity.  I would move forward with him on the journey of self-discovery.

“One does not go back.  Time cannot be reset.  One can only go forward and in doing so, focus on the journey of self-discovery.”

-Dr. Micheal Kane, The Visible Man

 

 

 

 

Bobbi’s Saga: Justice, Forgiveness, and Balance

CAUTION: TRIGGER WARNING. Contains descriptions of sexual and physical abuse. Please read at your own discretion.

I’ve known rivers:

I’ve known rivers ancient as the world and older than the flow of blood in human veins.

My soul has grown deep like the rivers.

-Langston Hughes (1902-1967), The Negro Speaks Of Rivers

My Dear Readers,

In January, we introduced Bobbi’s Saga as a true-life example of the journey towards healing from childhood sexual and physical assault.  We did this because it is important to us that the readership have some understanding of what a person who has been victimized like this may endure as she/he works towards recovery. Too often, victims of sexual assault live in the shadows and “suffer in silence.”

Bobbi (not her real name) does not consider herself to be a victim or survivor of sexual assault.  Instead, she views herself as being victimized and a striver after sexual assault.  The purpose of the wording is directly associated to Bobbi’s recovery. As part of her journey, Bobbi has worked on empowerment of her psychological self and in doing so, she no longer accepts or views herself with the survivor mentality. Instead, Bobbi seeks to reclaim what was stolen. One of the ways she is doing this is to provide excerpts from her daily journal and allow you, our readers, some insight into her recovery.

When we started Bobbi’s Saga, we committed to posting one entry of Bobbi’s journal on the first Monday of each month for a period of six months.  Now that we have reached the sixth posting, we have built an audience of over 1500 readers, and have received many positive responses.  We understand that this resonates with you, so we will continue sharing Bobbi’s experience and her journey of self-discovery. This month, Bobbi acknowledges the many years of carrying emotional pain along with shame, guilt, and denial of self.  Walk with her as she explores forgiveness.

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Journal Entry 1/23/14

I was thinking about what Dr. Kane said about the little girl in me.  I am mostly not aware of her, but I have felt her recently.  It feels like a small child who missed her childhood.

I just watched a movie called Woman, Thou Art Loosed.  It was about a woman on death row who looked back over her life.  Her stepfather talked to her about becoming mature the first time he met her. He married her mother and raped the little girl who was, at that time, 12 years old.  The mother didn’t believe, comfort or support the little girl.   The stepfather told the mother the little girl was “fast,” and not telling the truth.

I know that I could not have watched this movie one year ago.  There were so many things in this movie that reminded me of my own experiences.  The mother in the story who didn’t believe the daughter had been raped as a child herself. The 12 year old is told in so many words, “What does not kill you will make you stronger.  Get over it.”  The daughter eventually shoots and kills her rapist at the church’s altar.  This is how she ends up on death row.  The rapist is apologizing as she shoots him.

The emotions shown in this movie are so real: shame, guilt, loss of childhood and separation of the relationship between mother and daughter.   This is about a woman and an inner child that just wants to be loved. Forgiveness? Or is it the need to forgive the self?  They spoke about how life is never the same once you’ve been raped.  It is true; it takes a part of your soul away that can’t be replaced.

The movie brought tears to my eyes.  I have felt and worked on all of the emotions with Dr. Kane.  I don’t know why I watched the movie all the way to the end.  I think I was waiting to see the rapist being killed.

Killed, for all he stole from the little girl.  Killed, for all the years he had denied and lied about it. Even in death, his life was better than the little girl he raped.  But, he wasn’t killed by me. I will no longer focus on his life. The life I will focus on is my own.

It was a good day.

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Concluding Words

As we listen to Bobbi’s words, what can we learn from her experience?

It is feasible that Bobbi the adult has had difficulty in connecting with her inner child.  In viewing this movie, Bobbi has not only allowed her inner child to be heard, but more importantly, assured her that her experiences of sexual assault and the resulting feelings are validated. The movie mirrors Bobbi’s experience of being not supported and abandoned by her mother.  However, this is where the mirror falls away—the character in the movie gets something that Bobbi and her inner child never received: justice.

Instead, Bobbi finds herself contemplating forgiveness as a substitute for that justice.  Having been raised within the African-American church, Bobbi has been taught to forgive those who trespass against her, but she has now come to the realization that she can reject the teachings of the church.  She is able to determine that it is in her best interest not to focus on forgiving the rapist, but instead focus on seeking atonement for the psychological self for the four decades she carried the burden of this pain and suffering.

In rejecting the values of her church, Bobbi is able to empower the psychological self.  She acknowledges that she is no longer a “survivor” of the experience and rather is a “striver” of her recovery and therefore, is able to choose not only to let go of that experience but to decide the direction in which she will travel.

In Bobbi’s journey, the experience has not made her stronger.  Instead Bobbi has learned to balance the horrendous experiences she has suffered with the vision of who she wants to be within the psychological self.  In doing so, rather than looking for power or strength, she has achieved transformation.

In the movie, the daughter achieves justice by killing her rapist, but Bobbi is able to let go of the desire for his death or the need to forgive him because she has made this about SELF and not about HIM.

As Bobbi closes this saga of her journey of self-discovery, she acknowledges it was a good day.  In empowering the self, she is able to balance her experiences with who she wants to be and what she wants her future to be.  As she moves forward, she does so with optimism that there will be more good days to come.

 

Join us here next month for the next installment of Bobbi’s Saga.

Dr. Kane

Clinical Traumatologist