In Our Corner: Self Hate and Pressure for Acceptance

“We’re men. Soldiers. And I don’t intend for our race to be cheated of its place of honor and respect in this war because of fools like C.J.”
– MSgt. Vernon Waters (character), A Soldier’s Play

 

“Remember, you’re the first colored officer most of these men ever seen. The Army expects you to set an example for the colored troops… and be a credit to your race.”
– Col. Nivens (character), A Soldier’s Play

 

“Any man ain’t sure where he belong, gotta’ be in a whole lotta pain.”
– CJ (character), A Soldier’s Play

 

My Dear Readers,

My, oh my…what a beginning for 2020! I recently returned from a five-thousand-mile, round-trip, journey to New York over a weekend to see the Broadway theater production of A Soldier’s Play. It is a WWII murder mystery story set on a segregated military base in Louisiana.

Following my earlier trip to see Slave Play, I was anticipating a second triumphant return to Seattle having experienced a play of similar brilliance but, what I experienced was nothing like I expected.

In Slave Play, I marveled at the playwright’s utilization of race, sex and trauma to shine a light on our society’s relationship with white supremacy, but A Soldier’s Play was different. It was more personal. It told how some African Americans internalized white supremacy then weaponized against one another. The pure self-hate and internal demand for acceptance being portrayed by a black cast, simply hit too close to home.

On the surface, A Soldier’s Play is about a black man’s desire to fight for his country during WWII. Underneath, there is the picture of the ongoing internal conflict with achieving status and acceptance while struggling with self-hatred and denial of dreams and opportunities.

A Soldier’s Play is invaluable as it seeks to portray the psychological landscapes of these men who struggle to be accepted as equals by whites while battling the internalized oppression and self-hatred that flows from their psychosocial wounds paralleling, with great accuracy, the struggle black men face today.

The play identifies the good, bad and ugly within the main characters Sgt. Waters and Capt. Davenport. Utilizing quotes from the stage play, I will seek to expose common themes and how those themes impact African Americans today.
Sgt. Waters:
Sgt. Waters is an African American holdover from WWI who, due to the military’s segregationist policies of the time, feels denied his place of honor and respect.

For him, WWII presents another opportunity to gain that respect and honor he feels he is due, and he is determined not to be denied his moment of glory and recognition. In the play, Sgt. Waters shares the following story of an experience in France during WWI:

“You know the damage one ignorant Negro can do? We were in France in the first war; we’d won decorations. But the white boys had told all them French gals that we had tails. Then they found this ignorant colored soldier, paid him to tie a tail to his ass and run around half naked, making monkey sounds.

Put him on the big round table in the Café Napoleon, put a reed in his hand, crown on his head, blanket on his shoulders, and made him eat “bananas” in front of all them Frenchies. Oh, the white boys danced that night… passed out leaflets with that boy’s picture on it.

Called him Moonshine, King of the Monkeys. And when we slit his throat, you know that fool asked us what he had done wrong?”

Sgt. Waters’ words and actions are clear indications of what he is willing to do to gain “honor and respect.” Now faced with a new war and thus an opportunity to gain “honor and respect”, Sgt. Waters is driven to oust any person he views stands in his way.

He subsequently targets a colored soldier, CJ. He plants false evidence to have him arrested, telling him

“Whole lot of people just can’t seem to fit in to where things seem to be going. Like you, CJ. See, the Black race can’t afford you no more. There used to be a time, we’d see someone like you singin’, clownin’, yassuh –bossin’… and we wouldn’t do anything. Folks liked that.

You were good. Homey, kind of nigger.

When they needed somebody to mistreat, call a name or two, they paraded you. Reminded them of the good old days. Not no more. The day of the Geechee is gone, boy. And you’re going with it.”

As a result of the stress being placed upon him, CJ commits suicide by hanging himself while being held in the stockade.
Later, Sgt. Waters, drunk and physically beaten, is found fatally shot in full military uniform and casted off on a muddy dirt road in the rain. As he lay dying, he screams at his killer:
“They still … hate you! THEY STILL HATE YOU!!”

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Analysis – Dr. Kane:
It would be a mistake to misjudge Sergeant Waters or depict him as evil. He simply wants the acceptance, honor and respect that has been historically denied to him and those of his race. Sergeant Waters is a deeply conflictive man. His hatred of the white man is only matched with the hatred of other African Americans who due to their ignorant behaviors are preventing his quest for glory.

He therefore takes it upon himself to protect the black race from acts of shame and humiliation. As demonstrated in story of slitting a young man’s throat and creating false evidence resulting in the suicide of another, he shows the extent to which he is willing to go to prevent the race from being “cheated of its place of honor and respect”.

One of Sgt. Waters’ characterizations is shame-based behavior. True to form, in his shame, he is depicted as feeling unworthy, defective and empty. In acting out those feelings, he repeatedly committed acts of racism and inflicted psychological trauma and humiliation on others. Something black men have faced from previous generations to today.

Shame can be debilitating, toxic and extremely destructive. Shame works to separate the individual from the psychological self. It creates an internal crisis that attacks the inner core, triggering a shaming spiral of negative self-talk.

Shame can be defined in several ways:
• A painful emotion caused by a strong sense of guilt, embarrassment, unworthiness or disgrace.
• An act that brings dishonor, disgrace or public condemnation.
• An object of great disappointment.

Another characterization of Sgt. Waters is an extreme fear of humiliation.

Humiliation is the infliction of a profoundly violent psychological act that leaves the victim with a deep wound within the psychological self. The painful experience is vividly remembered for a long time.
This includes:
• The enforced lowering of a person or group, a process of subjugation that either damages or strips away a person’s pride, honor or dignity.
• A state of being placed, against one’s will, in a situation where one is made to feel inferior.
• A process in which the victim is forced into passivity, acted upon, or made to feel helpless.

Humiliation differs from shame in that humiliation is public, whereas shame is private. Humiliation is the suffering of an insult. If the person being humiliated deems the insult as credible, then they will feel shame.

One can insult and humiliate another; but that person will only feel shame if one’s self image is reduced. Such action requires the person who has been humiliated to buy into or agree with the assessment that shame is deserved.

A person who is secure about their own stature is less likely to be vulnerable to feeling shame, whereas the insecure person is more prone to feeling shame because this individual gives more weight to what others think of him than to what he thinks of himself.

In the mind of Sgt. Waters, both individuals CJ the “singin’, clownin’, yassuh –bossin” individual and Moonshine, King of the Monkeys had to die. The humiliation was open and public, and the pain of shame was too much to bear.

It is ironic that in Sgt. Waters’ quest to avoid shame and humiliation, his death was just that, shameful, humiliating and at the hands of those he deemed unworthy.

Upon being caught his killer stated, “I didn’t kill much. Some things need gettin’ rid of. Man like Waters never did nobody no good anyway.”

These words, which may have been spoken 80 years ago, continue to be the sentiment that is being displayed against African Americans today as they continue to be impacted by racism and the resulting psychological trauma.

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Capt. Davenport:
The military hierarchy, under pressure from the African American community and fearful of a possible race riot after the murder of a black soldier where the main suspects are the local Klansmen, sends a black investigator to look into the murder of Sergeant Waters. He is the first “Negro” officer that these men (including whites) have ever seen. He has been given three days to solve the murder. He has no authority and must be accompanied by a white officer when interviewing white witnesses.

Col. Nivens, the white base commander, wants him to quickly complete his assessment and be “in and out” of the military base ASAP. He seeks a quick investigation without finding any conclusions. He states
“The worst thing you can do, in this part of the country, is pay too much attention to the death of a negro under mysterious circumstances.”

In addition to being pressured to tread lightly and not solve the case, he is reminded by Col. Nivens that he is special and different. He is the first of his kind and carrying the responsibility to represent well. Col. Nivens states:
“Remember, you’re the first colored officer most of these men ever seen. The Army expects you to set an example for the colored troops… and be a credit to your race.”

_____________________________________________________________________________________________

Analysis –Dr. Kane:
The characterization of Capt. Davenport is a representation of the concept of “The Talented Tenth”. This is a term that was designated a leadership class of African Americans in the early 20th Century.

The term originated in 1886 among Northern white liberals with the goal of establishing black colleges in the South to train black teachers and elites. The term was later publicized by W.E.B. Dubois whose intent was to educate the best minds of the race and disseminate them into the greater black community allowing for the uplifting of the race.

Capt. Davenport’s character is the first Negro officer these people have ever seem. He is viewed as the “top” or ‘crème de la crème” of his race. He is given an impossible task to investigate (quietly) without solving the murder of Sgt. Waters.

He is viewed with suspicion by whites and in awe by blacks. He is given three days to complete the task and is mindful that he must represent both the Army, that enforces segregation and mistreats blacks, and try to deliver justice to the African American community which is waiting hungrily for the results.

The character of Capt. Davenport continues to permeate the psychological self of African Americans today. Following sixty years since the ending of legal segregation, the strategies of the dominant group has also transformed. Although diversity has transformed to add inclusion, equity and social justice, African Americans continue to find themselves impacted by acts of racism and psychological trauma.

Thanks to the scriptwriters in the movie “A Soldier’s Story” and the theatrical production, A Soldier’s Play, both conclude on a “positive note”. The murder is solved, the military hierarchy is happy, and the African American community nationwide can celebrate another small victory.

The African American community is left with a sliver of optimism to hold onto in hopes of a better future.

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Concluding Words-Dr. Kane:
In this fictional story all ends well. The murder has been solved. No race riots. No more national outcry for civil rights investigations. The peace and calm of segregation and psychological traumatization of black soldiers and civilians can one again go back to normal.

In the film conclusion, the scriptwriters offer a slightly different, more accurate portrayal of black-white interpersonal relationships, a tension that exists to this very day: In an exchange between a white officer and Captain Davenport:

Capt. Taylor: I guess I’ll have to get used to Negroes with bars on their shoulders, Davenport. You know, being in charge.

Capt. Davenport: Oh, you’ll get used to it, Captain. You bet your ass on that. You’ll get used to it.

However, what is clearly left open are the questions about the strength of self-hatred and the pressure of acceptance by others that is truly captured in the scripts and holds true for African Americans today. Specifically, CJ referring to Sgt. Waters: “Any man ain’t sure where he belong, gotta’ be in a whole lotta pain.”

It remains to be real in today’s lives of African Americans who can endure, daily, fourteen subtypes of psychological traumas and eleven forms of racism.

The concept of the “talented tenth” was constructive and necessary when developed, but today, is a concept that is ill-suited and destructive because it demands that the individual sacrifice the psychological self on behalf of the impoverished community. Rather than bolster the community, the concept’s success is dependent upon disempowering the psychological self and creates insecurity and detachment and it weakens generation after generation.

What can be done? What can we do to model for our children and future generations? We can…. Walk the Landscape.

What is the Landscape?
The landscape is life.
One of the essential realities of life is that death is a certainty. What remains uncertain is:
• How we live our lives
• What we experience during our lifetimes
• The memories we leave with the individuals we interact with.

Life at the Crossroads
Waiting at the crossroads are possible experiences, submerged materials such as incidents, situations and conflicts that may surface directly in one’s path. Such materials demand to be addressed.

Interaction Points
These crossroads are interactions points where barriers, challenges, experiences with difficult individuals and opportunities are presented. At the crossroads:
• Choices are presented
• Decisions are made and directions are chosen
• Consequences for choices and decisions are foreseen.
• Wisdom is gained, lessons are learned, and both are utilized for future experiences
• Transformation through Self-Empowerment is achieved

The Journey of Self-Discovery is actualized upon understanding that:
• All decisions have consequences
• The fullness of life is measured not just by one’s success but by failures as well.

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“We cannot think of unity with others until we have first united among ourselves. We cannot think of being acceptable to others until we have proven acceptable to ourselves.”
– Malcolm X

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“Be willing to walk alone. Many who started with you won’t finish with you.”
– Shaniqua King

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“Truth…it’s about Walking the Landscape and in walking, one simply exposes one’s truth.”
– Dr. Micheal Kane

Until the next time,
Remaining … in Our Corner

Join us at our new website: www.lovingmemore.com

We Over Me: Sacrificing Self For Image

 

“Many of us harbor hidden low self-esteem.  We deem everything and everyone else more important than ourselves and think that meeting their needs is more important than meeting our own.  But if you run out of gas, everyone riding with you will be left stranded.”

-Bishop T.D. Jakes, Author and Founder, The Potter’s House

 “Nothing has a stronger influence psychologically on their environment, and especially on their children, than the unclaimed lives of their parents.”

-Carl Jung, Psychiatrist & Author

My Dear Readers,

There are many within the African-American community that see the community as the image of solidness and strength.  It is the impression that “we are one”.

In reality, we are not one, but many individuals whose diverse voices and stories are never heard.  Why? Because we are too busy maintaining that image of singular strength.   As a result, we suffer in silence. 

One of the first rules as children we learn is that image means everything.  We are taught:

• To never let others know that you are hurting, physically or emotionally
• That to look strong is to be strong
• That no one respects the weak

These teachings are passed down from generation to generation. Instead of setting us free, it just reinforces the chains of our traumas.  I now realize that in the recent blogs I’ve shared regarding the impact of complex trauma on the African-American community, I too have contributed to reinforcing this false impression of African-Americans when referring to ourselves as a community.  We do not speak as a voice of one; instead, we are the collective voices of many.

The word community, as I, and others have used it, is monolithic in nature.   Dictionary.com defines the term monolithic as “characterized by massiveness, a total uniformity, rigidity, invulnerability.”

Given this definition, we cannot say that there is such an entity as “the African-American community.”  Each individual person who considers themselves African-American is distinct, separate and divisible from others, and operates independently with separate and distinct wants and needs. We (and others) may find it easier to label ourselves as “a community,” but what we, and others who choose to use that term, are really doing is choosing to ignore the many different ways that we express our “African-Americanness.”  Doing so assumes that all African-American people think, feel, and act the same, which only feeds the stereotypes and illusions of us in our interactions with fellow African-Americans, and with people of other races and cultures.

This week, let us listen to one of those individual voices and stories. Jennifer grew up in a closed societal system and now that she is married with two children, she is trapped in another closed system.  Let us walk with her a while as she walks her journey towards healing from the permanent emotional scarring and long- term psychological injury that can result from being impacted by complex trauma.

Below is such a story…

Dear Dr. Kane,

I am writing to you because I feel trapped and I don’t know what else to do.  I am a black woman raised in the Pacific Northwest.  I have been married for four years and I have two children:  a three-year-old boy, and a 14 month-old girl.  Both my husband and I are college educated and are employed in the aerospace industry.

I know that I should be happy, but instead, I am very unhappy in my marriage. My husband is very secretive—he does not tell me how much he earns from his job, or contribute to paying for our household expenses.

He always brags to others about his family, but he refuses to spend time with the children or with me.  When I want to go out with my girlfriends, I have to hire a sitter because, as he often tells me, he does not want to be “stuck at home” or have to “babysit the children.”

He can be emotionally abusive, especially when it comes to the weight I have gained since having the children.  He’s put his hands on me violently several times.  I haven’t filed domestic assault charges because I know that in doing so, I would cause him to lose his security clearance.  I know how hard it is for a black man to get a job and I don’t want to be the reason he loses his employment.

I am terrified now because in one of our most recent arguments, he threatened to take the children away from me.  I am now afraid to leave my babies with him because he may leave the state and never allow me to see them again.

We both had hard childhoods.  My husband grew up in an emotionally and physically abusive home.  He used to watch his father repeatedly beat his mother.  I also recall emotional and physical abuse in my home.  My father left us when I was five years old.

I made a promise to myself that once I married, it would be a lifelong commitment.  I remember how painful it was when my father left us.  I was five years old and I can recall everything that happened that day.   I can also remember the pain I had in growing up without my father involved in my life, and I don’t want to inflict that on my own children.

Please tell me what I can do to save my marriage and keep my family together.  My husband has threatened many times to leave.  I am afraid that one of these days, he will follow through on that threat.  I have suggested marriage counseling, but my husband won’t agree to it.

My mother wants me to stay in the marriage, but she doesn’t feel that my husband should be forced to attend counseling.   She is concerned about the children, but is also concerned about the potential for a divorce to negatively impact her own image in her sorority, our church, and our community.

I do not want a divorce.  I want to save my marriage.  I want our family to remain intact.  What can I do?  Please help us.

Fighting For My Family,

Renton, WA

My Dear Woman,

I can feel the pain and suffering from your letter, and for that, I extend empathy and compassion to you.  However, while you are seeking my help to save your marriage, you are also looking to extend your suffering by sacrificing yourself to maintain this painful situation.

In focusing on “saving” your marriage, you are making three significant errors:

• Sacrificing yourself to remain in a marriage that is physically and emotionally abusive
• Sacrificing the wellness of your children so that your husband will potentially remain present, and the family unit can be maintained.
• Acquiescing to the willingness of your mother to prioritize the image of herself in her sorority, her church and community over the safety and wellness of her daughter and grandchildren.

The Marital Relationship

In all honesty, the marriage that began four years ago no longer exists.  All that remains is a title and the image of success that you show the people of the community in which you live.

A marriage is about a covenant made between two individuals.  In any form or language, it speaks to the commitment of two people:

“To have and to hold, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, till death do us part.”

This marital relationship was put in jeopardy the moment that domestic violence was utilized as a means to communicate between you and your husband.  Violence of any kind—emotional, mental, physical, financial, and many other types—erodes trust, which is the foundation of any relationship, especially a marriage.  The two of you must feel comfortable being vulnerable and exposed with each other—this is a key element in the development of a secure marriage.  This security is threatened when there are repeated threats to leave the relationship.

The Family Relationship

Just like the marriage, your family has the appearance of solidity and contentment from the outside, but there is no substance within.  Trust is lost when one parent shows open hostility or resentment when it comes to providing individual care for the children.

Trust is also lost when one spouse threatens to remove the children from the safety of the parental relationship.   Parenting and involvement with one’s children are essential in aiding the development of your children’s identity, reinforcing their self-esteem and the teaching of values and mores in preparing them to become productive and contributing members of society.

Analysis: The Individual Relationship = The Psychological Self.

What is not mentioned in this letter is the complex early childhood trauma experienced by both Jennifer and her husband.  Both spouses were emotionally abused and psychologically impacted by their parents’ dysfunctional relationships.

Jennifer’s husband continues to act out his memories of his father’s domestic violence on his spouse.  On the other hand, Jennifer is willing to sacrifice her own psychological self and well-being to avoid the pain she experienced when her parents divorced, and to spare her children the same experience.

Holding on to these complex traumas enable both individuals to, in their own way, protect the imagery of marriage and family.  They relive this pain every day to avoid revealing that their union isn’t as solid as the “community” would expect it to be, despite the fact that many in the “community” themselves suffer in similar ways.

Concluding Words

Rather than focus on saving the marriage, I would encourage both Jennifer and her husband to focus on their individual empowerment.  This can be achieved by investing in individual psychotherapy with the stated focus on the healing their wounds from the complex trauma they experienced in their childhoods and continue to relive today.  However, both individuals may not ready to choose this course of action.

The major impediment they may face is the fear of letting go of learned behaviors, such as the habit of holding onto image at the expense of substance.  This may occur regardless of the negative outcomes they experience as a result of these learned behaviors.

The sense of “community” may be based on the sharing a common history of 400 years of slavery, segregation and the psychological traumas that result from shared history and current shared responses to racism, oppression and discriminatory treatment.  However even with a group identity, if we are to either recover/heal from traumatic emotional and mental injury or empower ourselves, we must seek to do so on an individual basis, accepting individual responsibility and not be confused with group identification.

Therefore, for the purpose of this and future writings, we will examine complex trauma with an eye towards individual treatment, and how individuals who have addressed their traumatic experiences can benefit their physical communities and social groups.

To clarify:

• African-American communities throughout the United States are comprised of individuals who are responding to cumulative incidences of complex trauma that occurs not only on an individual basis, but also as a racial and cultural group. Not only are these experiences psychologically wounding, but individuals who experience complex trauma continue to remain vulnerable to the impact of these experiences.

• The African-American individual responding to complex trauma is, in and of themselves, a closed system. Traumatic experiences tend to encourage individuals to close themselves off for protection, but this actually can make the wounding worse. Generally, closed systems are isolated and not emotionally sustainable, relying on the emotional wellness and the regard of others to survive.  As a result, closed systems can be particularly susceptible to psychological wounds arising from the experience of complex trauma.

• The African-American individual responding to complex trauma engages in avoidance and denial behaviors. Avoidance is the act of dodging, shunning or turning away, where denial is the failure to acknowledge an unacceptable truth or emotion.  It can also be the refusal to accept the reality of an event or the reliability of information received.

 

We will continue to explore this in subsequent writings.  Until then, the journey continues…

 

 

REPOST: The Fictional Male Character: Holding On to Old Stereotypes and Creating New Ones

Originally published on June 24, 2014.

My Dear Readers,

     There is a thin line between fact and fiction. Fiction is the ability to live life in an imagined world, making it up or changing it to suit the observer.  Fact is the reality of how we live our lives. Television, combined with the human need to not only be close to pain, but to make sense out of life, has succeeded in making the line between fiction and fact thinner.

     I recently had the pleasure of watching the première of a new television series, Murder In The First.  It is a crime drama that takes place in San Francisco involving two police detectives.  In this episode, Inspector Terry English, an African American played by Taye Diggs, is grasping the reality that his wife has stage 4 pancreatic cancer that has invaded her liver and kidneys.

     When his wife is sent home to live out her remaining days, Detective English, unable to stay at home with her, remains at work working to solve a complicated murder case. In one dramatic scene, he tells his female partner, Inspector Hildy Mulligan (played by Kathleen Robertson) the following:

      “I can’t go home and watch her die.  I can’t and won’t do that.”

     This is soon followed by another dramatic scene in which Detective English loses his composure and self-control while interrogating a suspect, resulting in physically assaulting the suspect.   Despite this horrible situation—the pending loss of his wife, the lapse with the suspect—he is backed by a compassionate and enduring cast of fellow officers who do what they can to support their colleague in his most difficult time. 

     The episode concludes with Inspector English at another murder scene, receiving a call on his cell phone that his wife passed away.  As the camera comes in for the close up, you can see the pain and anguish in his facial expression.  Inspector English was true to his word as he followed through on what he said to partner,

      “I can’t go home and watch her die.  I can’t and won’t do that.”

     He did not go home.  She was alone without him when she died.  She died alone.

     We, the audience, are left with a mixture of feelings.  There may be anger that he let her die alone.  There also may be pity or compassion for him and his inability to come to terms with her death and his living on without her.   We are left in awe and looking forward to next week’s episode.

     That was fiction.  It was a story developed by scriptwriters sharing ideas on how the character should look and feel, and how to draw the audience into this emotional turmoil.  As the episode concludes, we know one thing to be true…it’s a fictional story with actors.  No one really died.  It is all make believe.  As the audience, we “feel” for and “connect” with the character of Inspector English, and feel grateful that he has the support that he has, but still, what was explained in the episode was fiction.  However as an individual member of the audience, I am left feeling empty, disappointed. 

     Why? A wonderful opportunity was missed.  Here is the storyline of a African American man, who is about to lose his beloved spouse after a courageous battle fighting cancer.  And yet, the story focuses on his emotional conflicts about and his inability “to watch her die”, leading him to allow his wife to die alone. What? 

     There was an opportunity here to drop the racial stereotypes forced upon African American males.  Instead the script focuses on casting him as a warm, compassionate loving spouse, who is at times a conflicted and emotionally distant, reserved (cold) person who can suddenly explode in fury upon a helpless derelict (being played by a white actor) being held in police custody. 

     Here was an opportunity to move beyond the stereotypes of the conflicted stoic angry black man.  Yet the scriptwriters stay within the perceived stereotypes.  Why?  If the lead actor had been Caucasian, no doubt the script would had:

• Focused on the actor being with his spouse as she took her last breath.

• Focused on the calmness and control of the lead actor and not allow him to go savagely violent on a helpless person under police custody.

• Focused less on tension derived from interactions based on race and more on interactions based on human want and need, such as grief and loss, compassion and nurturing.

     Another opportunity lost.  We really can’t blame the scriptwriters.  In fact, we can’t do without them.  They are only giving us what the viewing audiences want. This is a glimpse of the new and improved version of today’s “acceptable” black man, who is:

• one who is professional, speaks well and with warmth,

• but is emotionally conflicted, detached at times, incapable of responding to his own emotions, and

• capable of exploding at a moment’s notice in savage, violent fury.

     The modern scriptwriters have updated today’s stereotype of the African-American man.  Gone are leading roles depicting black men as flashy, pathologically sexual, uneducated, and drug addicted.  Now they have been replaced by black men who although not flashy, are well educated, professional, and while less focused on the “sexual tension”, there remains the possibility of the character’s temper flaring.  

     This was no simple task for the scriptwriters.  They had to balance the need to have characters that are familiar and understandable by their audience with being sensitive enough to avoid an accusation from the African-American community that the depiction is demeaning.

     So, a makeover was required.  Like the recent updates to comic book characters such as the X-Men and Iron Man, the  scriptwriters have been successful in updating the image of the African-American man, who is now more sophisticated than his earlier stereotyped predecessor.

      Despite this modern improvement, however, the old stereotypes are still visible.  He is still unable to articulate what’s really going on inside him.  As in the old stereotype, the modern black male characters remain psychologically wounded and conflicted when responding to his emotions.  This is an Angry Black man, out of Control (ABC).   

     Instead of being revolted by his fury and uncontrollable wrath in dealing with the suspect, the viewing audience is encouraged to cast their pity upon him due to the loss of his spouse, a loss that he is apparently incapable of shouldering.

     Fictional story with fictional characters; another opportunity missed. The savagery of his anger and his emotional detachment is accepted because it fulfills the stereotype of what is expected from black men.  No doubt that the series will play upon the shame and guilt and the ensuing psychological damage that Inspector English will carry throughout the series for his decision to work versus being there as his wife takes her last breath.

     And yet, there are real black men in the world today that are being ignored (or dismissed).   Men who sit with their spouses, holding their hands, cleaning their bodies and feeding them as they wait for that moment of that last breath.

     That was my story.  My wife Linda, who passed away peacefully at home last year, did not die alone.  In fact, she was true to herself– always thoughtful, waited for me so I could get home and be with her as she went to be with our heavenly Father.

     I have no doubt that there are many Black men in this world who are just like me, loving spouses who until death greets us as well, will have the knowledge and memories of being there, for her final breath.  My Linda and many loving spouses like her did not die alone.

     As I stated earlier, there are many men of diverse ethnic backgrounds who have similar stories to share, but these stories will never be told.  Why? One reason could be the fact that it contradicts the accepted and familiar stereotypes that are necessary to maintain the interest of the viewing audience.

Concluding Words

     So who is to blame here?  The scriptwriters? The media?  Society?  “White folks” would be an easy target—after all, they are the viewing audience, right?  Nope, sorry. To do so would be giving “black folks” a free pass.   The reality is that black people also buy into those old stereotypes and continue to buy into the stereotypes that are being developed today.

     Instead of focusing on blame, let’s focus on responsibility.  Let us focus on the healthy relationships that we want to develop among ourselves.  If the scriptwriters are focusing on what they perceive as be the “needs” of the viewing audience, then it is up to all of us to work at letting go of the stereotypes, focusing on the “real and fact” instead “fantasy and fiction.”

     Of course, this is no light or easy task, and yet it can be the first step of the Journey of Self Discovery.   It can be in that journey, we find out who we really are and what we can truly be.  Truth being, it may not be accomplished in my lifetime however we can chose to “focus on the journey, not the destination.”

 Until the next crossroads…the journey continues.

REPOST: Being True To Yourself While Balancing Feelings Of Loss During The Holiday Season

Originally posted on December 9, 2013. 

Dear Visible Man,
I recently lost a loved one.  This is my first holiday season without my beloved.  I am not feeling the holiday cheer. I feel like I have to fake the “spirit” i.e. jolliness and laughter.  I don’t want to be a downer and rain on others.  Got any suggestions on getting through this?

Lacking The Spirit,  Seattle, WA

Dear Fellow Traveler,

     This portion of the year is heavy on those of us who have loved ones who are no longer physically among us.  As we enjoy time with the living, we can hold tight to our memories of the deceased. There is plenty of understanding to be had in your journey. But first:

•  Be kind to the self.
• Instead of attempting to get “through this,” seek balance in your journey.
•  Embrace your feelings instead of distancing yourself from your emotions.

      As the holiday season and celebrations approach, you may be consciously or unconsciously preparing the psychological self to react to the grief associated with your loss.  There is the tendency to believe that you are alone, even when you are with others.  Rest assured that many are having the same experiences, but like you, may have chosen not to communicate or share what they are feeling. 

      Grief can be viewed as the deep sorrow that is caused by the loss of a loved one.  In anticipating the grief that is coming, the individual can chose to either react or respond.

     When one reacts, there may be a sense of lack of control.  But, should the individual choose to respond instead, he or she may place the psychological self in a position in which he or she is strategizing and thus able to be empowered.

      So how does one respond to anticipatory grief?

Stay in balance (and in tune) with your emotions.

• Don’t focus on controlling your emotions or how you feel.  If tears are building within, have the willingness to express them.
•  Don’t “man up”!  Allow yourself to focus on your human qualities.  Understand there may be feelings of disappointment, frustrations and delays.
•  Be willing to share feelings of sadness with others.  Instead of seeking ways of distracting yourself from the pain, acknowledge and process it. In sharing with others, you are working to let go of or balance the feelings that are there.
• Give yourself permission to take a “time out” interacting with or entertaining others.  Be willing to give yourself permission to spend time alone with your thoughts and feelings.

Take care of your (physical) self.

• Avoid overeating & drinking alcohol as coping mechanisms.
• Eat and enjoy regular balanced meals.
• Eat something nutritious before attending a social party.
• Never drink alcohol on an empty stomach.  Be aware that alcohol, even combined with  snacks, can still be dangerous.
• Focus on rest (naps) and maintaining regular sleeping patterns.
• Create a reasonable exercise program.
• If feeling rushed, stop and breathe deeply and slowly.  Take the breath from down in the diaphragm.  This will allow immediate feelings of relaxation.

 Take care of your (psychological) self. 

• Pay attention to the psychological self.
• Spend time alone.  Take time for meditation, massage or relaxation.
• Spend time with friends in normal settings.
• If feelings of depression or anxiety are overwhelming, schedule time for counseling and reflection with a counselor or mental health professional.

       In responding, be sure to reflect not only on what was lost, but also the joy that you had from the loving relationship. Please keep in mind the following:

“When you react, the situation has a hold on you.  When you respond, you have empowered yourself to be reflective and seek balance in the situation.”

 We focus on the journey and not the destination.

The Visible Man

Insecurity & Instability: How We Destroy Our Marriages

 What ruins relationships and causes most fights is insecurity.

-Olivia Wilde

Love shouldn’t be about jealousy or anything like that.  It should be about commitment and being able to trust that person.  If you can’t have that from the get-go, there’s a problem.

-Aaron Carter

My Dear Readers,

Married couples raising kids face a number of everyday stresses, including work, family, school, extracurricular activities, paying bills and saving funds for college.  It is common for married couples to sacrifice time with each other to focus on family or work related activities.

However, at some point, the children grow up, graduate and move on to their own lives.  What happens to the parents now?  Having finally raised their children and not dealing with the stresses they once had, they may find themselves dealing with a different kind of stress: learning to reestablish and reinforce the marriage that took a backseat to the needs of the family.

Age and doubt can bring be a breeding ground for insecurity.  The kids are gone.  Old Blue, the family dog, just died of old age.  Where do we go from here?

Below is such a story….

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Dear Dr. Kane:

I hope that you may be able to help us with our marriage.  My husband and I are both African-American but we are from two different parts of the United States.  My husband was born and raised in Washington State, and I am a southern woman born in a small town in Mississippi.  Needless to say, we were raised differently; I was raised to speak my mind when I am concerned about an issue.  My husband was raised not to confront issues, rather to “go along to get along.”

We have been married 27 years; have raised five children, all who are now grown, and living in different parts of the country. Our youngest just got admitted into law school in one a different part of the country.  When the kids were young, we were very involved in activities centered on the family, school and sports activities.  One could say that we ran our own taxi service as we struggled to keep up with the kids, their interests and activities.

We would often give up our time with each other, figuring we could catch up later, but “later” never seemed to come. There were always vacations with the children and other activities with them, but we never set time aside for our marriage and each other.  Now that the kids are grown, successful, accomplished and on their own, we figured that our time has arrived, but we always seem to be in conflict.

The last major blow up occurred a week ago as we were leaving church following worship services.   During the mingling at the end of services, I observed a much younger woman talking to my husband.  She appeared to be too involved in the discussion, hanging on every word he said and smiling at him broadly.  I watched as during one of her giggling moments, she touched his arm.   I was incensed that she was touching my husband and just like most men, he seemed oblivious—he just stood there laughing.  I was so embarrassed.  I felt like a fool and that other women were looking.  I felt I had to do something.

Later on, when we were in the restroom together, I pulled this lady to the side, informing her that I did not appreciate the attention she was giving my husband or the fact that she had touched his arm.  She responded as if she was surprised, stating that she and my husband were in similar professions and that her relationship with my husband was purely professional.  She then went on to apologize for creating the impression that their relationship was anything different from that.  I told her that I would be keeping my eye on her, and then I smiled and walked away.

Later that evening, my husband told me that the young woman told him about the conversation in the restroom.  He was very angry at me—simply for doing what I had to do to protect my marriage.  In turn, I was extremely angry with her for having informed my husband about our private conversation.  This is not the way that mature black women act.  That conversation was between us as women.  If she had a problem with anything I said to her, then as a woman, she should not have acted like a little bitch and told on me by informing my husband.

To be clear, I am going to protect what I have.  I am going to protect my marriage.  If that means chasing off women who I feel are scheming to get my man, then that is what I am going to do.  I have talked to my girlfriends, and they agree with me that a woman has to stand and protect what she has or be ready to lose it.

So now, what advice can you give me so I can pass it on to my husband?  He won’t listen to me.  Since you are a man, and an educated one, he ‘ll be more open to hearing from you.   Now, don’t disappoint me!

Protecting my marriage and guarding my turf,

The Guardian, Seattle WA

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My Dear Woman,

I have the distinct feeling that you are trying to play me.  The marching orders at the end of your letter are to “provide advice to give to your husband because he will listen to me because I am a man.”  Madam, you are not seeking assistance from me.   Instead, you are intentionally placing me in a position where I either lecture him on the fact that you are right, or I will be a disappointment to you.

I apologize in advance for the major disappointment I’m about to serve up.  In your letter, you essentially treat your husband as if he is weak, unwise, and susceptible to young women.  You have positioned yourself as being the one to “protect your turf.”  Who are you protecting your turf from?

This may be difficult for you, but you must be willing to examine the basis of your own feelings and behavior.  There is no evidence that this woman engaged in inappropriate behavior by touching the arm of your spouse. Therefore, I would ask you to consider why you reacted the way in which you did.

• Why were you embarrassed by what you observed?
• Why would you assume that eyes of the other women were on you? If there were eyes on you, why didn’t you simply ignore them? Or shrug off the “looks?”
• What was your reaction to what you saw?
• Why was it necessary to say that you were “keeping your eye on” the young woman? What were you communicating to her when you smiled and walked away?

The major issue here, whether you want to consider it or not, is your emotional security.  Emotional security can be defined as the stability of an individual’s emotional state of being.  The flipside of this measure is emotional insecurity.  Emotional insecurity or simply insecurity is a feeling of general unease or nervousness that may be triggered by perceiving of oneself to be vulnerable or inferior in some way, or a sense of vulnerability or instability which threatens one’s self-image or ego.

Based on your behavior, you seem to be emotionally insecure.  Be willing to be honest with yourself and explore what may be the true basis of these uncomfortable feelings.  The young woman, the supposedly inappropriate touching and the perceived looks by others are a smokescreen, a distraction.  If you have the courage to look within, what you find may be exactly what is lacking in your marriage.

This will require courage because as much as the truth can set you free, it can also be truly painful, because in examining the truth and its nakedness, there is no place to hide. As you stand at the crossroads, you must decide what direction you want to travel.  What is the truth here?

• The portrayal of window dressing and the emptiness of the marital relationship.
• The lack of belief, faith and trust, in both your husband as an individual, and the marital relationship.
• The power and control aspects of your interactions with others and the need to dominate.
• The need to guard your marriage and protect your “turf.”

 The portrayal of window dressing and the emptiness of the marital relationship.

 Earlier you indicated that you have been married 27 years and have successfully raised five children.  However, what you have defined as “marriage” is in reality “family.”

There is nothing in your writing that truly defines your marriage.   You may be proud of the children’s successes and accomplishments, but in centering your focus  on your children, the two of you have sacrificed the marital relationship to a point where your satisfaction comes from the image projected, rather than the substance that creates the foundation of a marriage.

The lack of belief, faith and trust (BFT), in both your husband as an individual, and the marital relationship.

 The foundation of intimacy between two individuals is belief, faith and trust (BFT).  It is on that foundation that the two individuals share their vulnerability, allow exposure of the psychological selves and master cementing trust. In doing this, they create and sustain the marital relationship.

Had there been belief, faith and trust in your relationship, confronting the young woman in the restroom would not have been necessary.   Instead, a dialogue with your husband could had been opened at another time rather than have him be subjected to possible humiliation as a result of your emotional insecurity.

The power and control aspects of your interactions with others and the need to dominate. 

You say that the children were the focus of your life, but from the way you sought to control the young woman’s interaction with your husband (“I told her that I would be keeping my eye on her, watching her movements and interactions”),  the truth may be somewhat different, that instead, you made yourself the focus and power player in your children’s lives.

As much as you were able to control the lives of your children, you were powerless in controlling the young woman as she, a “mature black woman,” informed your husband about your inappropriate behaviors and comments.  It must have angered you to no end knowing that this young woman may be sharing with others the story of your insanely jealous behavior.

The need to guard your marriage and protect your “turf.”

After reading your letter, one could be left with the perception that you are a jealous woman guarding your marriage and protecting your turf.   Perhaps this is what you intended.  However, the basis of these actions are more indicative of emotional insecurity, which adds to your instability and fearfulness, causing you to react to imagined intrusions.  As one would suspect, such a realization would no doubt impact the image in which you are seeking to project …and protect.

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Concluding Words

My Dear Woman,

Take this as opportunity to let go of the defensive posturing and gamesmanship.  Utilizing the Five R’s of RELIEF:

• Respite-step away, take a deep breath, inhale (exhale), calm yourself
• Reaction-own your feelings (insecurity), because these are your feelings. Understand that no one else is feeling what you are currently reacting to.
• Reflective-in taking a moment, process your feelings and thoughts
• Response-in a calm and collective manner, share what you have processed with others within your external environment
• Reevaluate-examine your actions. Question what has been learned and what would be done differently should there be a reoccurrence of the same situation.

Be willing to understand that it is not the younger women who are a threat to your marriage.  The common mistake that many spouses make is as they focus on the family, they unconsciously sacrificed the marital relationship. As a result, the family and marital unit becomes integrated as one.  The solution is to work towards the following:

• Separate the marital relationship from the family unit.
• Cease sacrificing the marital unit in favor of family activities. Instead, balance family activities with time set aside for spousal interaction (e.g., date night)
• Focus on the love, energy and commitment that was the basis of the marital relationship in the first place.
• Build a stronger foundation based on belief, faith and trust, which strengthen the bonds of the marital relationship.

Release your need to control all aspects of your spouse’s interactions with others.  Hold to the tenets of the marital relationship.

Be more discreet in what you share with your girlfriends.  This group can mean well in wanting to support you and see it as their objective to join with you to protect your martial relationship, but keep in mind that this is your marital relationship and not theirs.  They may mean well, but your friends can actually do harm.

For example: Some years ago, having returned home from work, my wife Linda jokingly commented on a luncheon that I had with a female colleague that day.  It surprised me that she knew, since the lunch was spontaneous, and I didn’t have a chance to tell her.   My dear Linda described for me the entire menu, down to the dessert.  She also described the female colleague and what clothing she was wearing.  Shocked, I asked her how she knew all of this.  She chuckled, telling me that a group of her girlfriends came to the house to inform her that I was having an affair and of my “secret luncheon rendezvous.”  She added that they offered to drive her back to the restaurant so that she could see for herself.  She declined to do so, knowing that I was probably having lunch with a colleague.  She said that they looked at her in disbelief that she could be so trusting.

Although these girlfriends intended to support a friend who had a cheating spouse, it was the belief, faith and trust that my Linda had in both me and our marital relationship that prevented the division and conflict that could have occurred due to their actions.

My Dear Woman, now that your children have moved on and the nest is empty, this is a period of transition for you and your spouse.  As strange as it may seem now that the house is quiet, and the focus is different, this is now your time.  Utilize it wisely.  Reinforce your marital relationship.  Cease living in fear, for the fear you have chosen to live in may be the unforeseen future.   Instead, live with fear as you and your spouse together continue on your journey.   Yes, it may be uncomfortable, but the uncomfortable can be transformed into the comfortable—and the two of you can do it together.

Change is always tough.  Even for those who see themselves as agents of change, the process of starting something new can cause times of disorientation, uncertainty, and insecurity.

-Joyce Meyer

Dr. Micheal Kane… The Visible Man

Male Privilege and The Injury of Group Identity

My Dear Readers,

In the last few entries, I have been exploring male privilege in the African-American community.  It is not enough to just say that male privilege is wrong, and it devours the community from within.  We must further understand its roots and causes.

Why does male privilege thrive within the African-American community?  From a clinical perspective, it thrives because of a sense of false empowerment. Rather than empower, however, male privilege only devastates the community, the family, and the individual who seeks to benefit from privilege.

Below is such a story……

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Dear Visible Man,

I recently read an article on the Internet that shocked and disturbed me. I just can’t believe that such disgusting behavior could happen within our community.

The article is entitled “Man Hires Hookers & His Own Daughters Show Up At Hotel.”  It states:

“A California man who called for two prostitutes to come to his hotel room said he collapsed to the floor and had a panic attack when he saw it was two of his daughters.

Father-of-ten Titus McDonalds of Los Angeles said he was having marital problems and went to Las Vegas to blow off stream.”

‘I have never gotten a prostitute in my life,’ McDonalds told Las Vegas Weekly.  ‘ I swear to Christ.  What are the odds it was my own flesh and blood that showed up?  I think this is Lord’s way of bitch-slapping me.’

His daughters, whom he hadn’t seen in years, fled the room upon recognizing their father.  Once McDonalds recovered from the initial shock, he found his daughters, age 20 and 23, in a casino bar.

‘I told them I was sorry for what I did,’ McDonalds said. “I apologized for my actions and told them that I just want my family whole again.  My daughters and I have patched up our relationship.  My marital problems are not over, but we have a wonderful counselor who is helping us through this difficult period.’

‘I used to just spank and spank on them,’ McDonalds said. ‘I was tough on them.  I just wanted them to excel at ballet and get ballet scholarships so I wouldn’t be on the hook for college tuition. But they did not like ballet and I shouldn’t have forced ballet on them.  Everything is my fault.’

McDonalds said his daughters’ plan on continuing to prostitute themselves.  ‘If this is what makes them happy, who am I to stand in their way?’ McDonalds said.  ‘From now on, I’m just going to love and support them.’

‘This is the “Lord’s way of bitch-slapping me.’

And yes, that bitch slap is well-deserved. What kind of monster feels that it’s alright to order up prostitutes as if they were on the menu?  What kind of father is he to say that he won’t stand in the way of their desire to be prostitutes?  As a man and a father of two beautiful young women whom I’ve raised from childhood to college, I am disgusted.

I love my daughters.  As a father, I could never imagine this situation, or the horror that my daughters would be exposed to as sex workers. As a black man, I am embarrassed by his behavior and his willingness to flaunt such ignorance and stupidity.  It makes us as black men look like pimps and irresponsible.

I am so angry.  Why would a black man act in such a negative way? Why would he bring such embarrassment and humiliation upon his race and gender?

-Burning in Seattle

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My Brother,

Thank you for writing.  It has been my experience that men tend to prefer to share their feelings verbally, so I appreciate your willingness to share your concerns in writing.  I hope that as my readers take in your words, more men will do the same.

I also want to congratulate you for your hard work as a single parent.  You have experienced what many single mothers go through in raising children to adulthood. I can sense the pride that you have in the accomplishments of your children.  As you congratulate them, be sure to embrace the self, because you too are a part of this accomplishment.

In this case, I want to encourage you to work towards redirecting the anger you feel.  People who make decisions based on anger are unable to clearly process emerging situations. Your desire to “bitch slap” the father in this scenario is a reaction that reflects more on your mindset than on his actions.

What is called for in this situation is a response.  As a result, you must be willing to own your reactions, be reflective (process feelings and thoughts) and then, share your response with those around you.

I was also quite taken by the writings you have shared.  However, in verifying this with the Las Vegas Weekly, I was unable to locate the specific writing.  In discussions with others who also saw the article, it looks like the article is fraudulent, meaning that Mr. McDonalds and his daughters do not exist and this incident never happened.

Still, many people were shaken angered by this story. Stereotypes about black men were reinforced in this story, and no doubt, the writing produced feelings of embarrassment and shame in black men like you.  Surely critics will use this as fuel for the destructive fires that already exist between black men and women, divide the community and reinforce negative models/mentoring for male adolescents.

However, rather than simply fall for the trap and engage in emotional reactions, I would prefer to take time for a respite (step away), own my reactions (because they are being driven from within,) be reflective (process feelings and thoughts) and develop an appropriate response (shared with the external environment).  Following these actions, I would want to reevaluate (gather what I have learned) so I can prepare for the future as I continue the “journey of self-discovery.”

Even though the article is a hoax, there is still a valuable lesson to be learned about the destructive nature of male privilege. Furthermore, the writing shows how one person who is knowledgeable about the fragility of self-esteem can utilize shame as a tool to not only destabilize an individual, but humiliate an entire community.

Male privilege can be defined as a special right, advantage or immunity granted or available only to men as a class due to their institutional power in relation to women as a class.  While every man experiences privilege differently due to his own individual position in the social hierarchy, ever man, by virtue of being male, benefits from male privilege.

Mr. McDonalds holds male privilege, which can be seen by his actions.  His search for the opportunity to “blow off steam” utilizes the privilege to leave his family, go to another city and break his marital vows in “ordering up” prostitutes to fulfill his sexual needs.

The privilege is extended in this case when Mr. McDonalds, who admits to not seeing his daughters in years, shares his belief that he can patch up the relationship with his daughters by offering an apology and make his family whole again.  In the depth of his privilege, Mr. McDonalds only recognizes the error of his ways when his daughters arrive in the hotel room. It is almost certain that had the two prostitutes not been his daughters, Mr. McDonalds would have not given a second thought to his actions and would have simply done what he went there to do.

Shame can be defined as a painful emotion caused by a strong sense of guilt, embarrassment, unworthiness or disgrace. Shame can be debilitating, toxic and extremely destructive.  Shame works to separate the individual from the psychological self.  It creates an internal crisis that attacks the inner core, triggering a shaming spiral of negative self-talk.

Is there shame in Mr. McDonalds’ behavior? No.  Male privilege prevents Mr. McDonalds from experiencing any of the emotions identified in shaming behavior or action.

Mr. McDonald has never experienced the separation from the psychological self induced by shame because of the benefits of his male privilege.  If there are any feelings being felt, it is one of panic that he almost had sexual relations with his daughters.  Even in his shock, Mr. McDonalds is clearly only concerned for himself:

“What are the odds it was my own flesh and blood that showed up?  I think this is Lord’s way of bitch-slapping me.”

Humiliation is the infliction of a profoundly violent psychological act that leaves the person with a deep wound within the psychological self.

Humiliation is often a painful experience that is vividly remembered for a long time.  This includes the enforced lowering of a person or group, a process of subjugation that strips away a person’s pride, honor, and dignity.

Since Mr. McDonalds is not experiencing shame, then perhaps is he experiencing humiliation?  The response once again is no.  As with shame, male privilege acts as a bulletproof vest protecting the individual from any penetration or wounding of the psychological self.

Concluding Words

“Please explain why a black man would act in such a negative way? Why would he bring such embarrassment and humiliation upon his race and gender?”

Although male privilege is a major issue within the dominant majority, it can be devastating within ethnic minority communities responding to low self-concept, poor self-esteem, and negative identity.   The second question being asked shows the overwhelming strength and impact that male privilege has not only on the individual, but the community as well.

The question assumes that McDonalds’ actions are representative of black men as a race, group and gender.  In review of the article outlining the offending behaviors, there is no indication from Mr. McDonalds that he is speaking for his community, gender or group.

It is the individual and the community as a collective that grant Mr. McDonalds the authority to speak on their behalf.  As a result, Mr. McDonalds is feeling unworthy, defective and empty (in effect, shame).

When Mr. McDonalds states his intent is to support his daughters’ decision to continue prostituting, he appears to be quite pleased with himself, professing to “just love and support them.”  It is the community and black men as a group, not just Mr. McDonalds, who appear to have a deep wound with the psychological self.

Whether true or fraudulent, the article has served its purpose.  In showcasing male privilege, it shows the willingness of members of the group to react in shame and humiliation instead of developing a response that dismisses the lunacy the event is supporting.

As previously stated, male privilege is an issue within the dominant majority, however, the incident showcases their strength of self-concept, esteem and identity.  They never would allow the lunacy of one man to represent them.  Instead, such foolish behavior would have been simply dismissed as the stupidity of one individual.

If the article were true, I would encourage Mr. McDonalds to immediately seek family therapy and individual psychotherapy for himself.  So in conclusion as I seek to own my reaction and share my response; If the article is fraudulent, I would say “well-done” to the architect of this written piece and encourage him to seek individual psychotherapy to discuss the strong feelings of self hatred towards his gender and group.

Five R’s of Relief (Positive Outcome)

Our reactions to the choices we face can be immediate, causing us to miss the lessons in the challenge. These reactions, in fact, can place us in danger, or at significant risk of personal or financial loss.

A response is a plan that can empower us through calmness, calculation and the collection of our feelings, thoughts and our actions.

Until the next crossroads… the journey continues