“Flattery will get you nowhere. Flattery does not work.” -Idiom
“One thing is certain in life… we will all die one day. Thus, the focus must be on those we touch, how we live, and what we experience.”
-Dr. Micheal Kane, Clinical Traumatologist
“There is no growth without discomfort. Being honest can be uncomfortable. It is freedom that comes from being honest.”
-Delbert Richardson, Ethno-Museologist, American History Traveling Museum, Seattle, WA
My Dear Readers,
In the last blog, I asked for “white people of good conscience to work within their communities as we black folk continue to work within our own.”
As I expected, I received strong responses from readers, one in particular that was strongly critical of my direct focus on men’s issues within the African-American community at the expense of a focus on black women, or reflection about the role that I play regarding sexism within my community.
This writer, an outspoken black woman, has a good point. She points out that having traditionally focused on white privilege and its impact on the African-American community while ignoring privilege within the community, key members continue to suffer in silence.
The writer is correct when she refers to misogynistic behavior within the African American community. It is hypocritical for a community to be united in its commitment against racism, but then remain silent regarding male privilege and misogynistic behavior.
Misogyny is the hatred of, contempt for, or prejudice against women and girls. It can appear in numerous ways, including social exclusion, hostility, patriarchy, male privilege, belittling of women, violence against women and sexual objectification.
What lies at the root of misogyny is the conscious or unconscious habit of placing a masculine point of view at the center of one’s worldview, thereby systematically marginalizing the feminine point of view.
Without question, rampant misogyny is an issue within the African-American community, and yet it is not one that we are willing to engage with. We speak in one voice to the role of the black woman in the family, the church and community, but we encourage silence instead of dialog when we deny actions that denigrate the women in our community. We say we want to hear what women in our community have to say, but when the words are not flattering, the woman speaking becomes a “man-hater” and “usurper of the black man’s role in the community.”
In the blog “Showing Up As Real MEN and Leaving As Little Boys,” I shared one woman’s regarding her interactions with black men and got the following response from a reader:
“[I was]Using a Black woman (?) to spew vitriol and hatefulness, giving her a sanctimonious platform to castigate Black males. She sounded as though she had multiple issues needing immediate attention.”
The reader may have been correct that the woman had “issues” needing “immediate attention.” In my therapeutic work I have listened to numerous black women express similar feelings, sharing the impact of psychological wounds received from sexism and misogyny within our community.
In this case, however, the reader is not genuinely concerned about the woman’s health; this is an attempt to derail the conversation and distract from the role that black men can play and have played in creating these “multiple issues needing attention.” The women who exposed their feelings may be utilizing this platform posting as a means of empowerment— something that I strongly support and encourage them to continue to do.
And, I strongly encourage black men to not just hear what is being said… but to listen.
Dear Visible Man,
I am writing to share my concerns regarding the sexism and misogyny that is occurring within the African-American community. I have two real examples: my lazy-ass brother and my dependent, can’t-seem-to-take-care-of-himself-uncle.
You write often about white privilege and I acknowledge and agree with you that white privilege is a major concern for black people. However, you clearly choose to remain silent about black male privilege that is also a daily reality in the black community.
It burns me up to watch these two worthless fools come over for Sunday dinner and be waited on hand and foot by my mother and grandmother. When I complain, these misfits shut me down, calling me a hater.
Both are living in their dreams. My brother spends his time smoking weed and still trying to play pro basketball, which he aged out of long ago. His backup plan is to be a rapper. Imagine how likely that is.
My uncle, on the other hand, not only drinks and smokes weed, but he spends his social security money on the lottery, hoping for that one big win. I have a son and I don’t want my son to hang around them and pick up their shameful behaviors.
I am sick of enduring this bullshit at home and then having to deal with sexism and the racist bullshit that occurs within my workplace.
So, Dr. Kane, instead of talking about white privilege, maybe you should trying focusing on saving these privileged black men who are living off the sweat of others in their own community.
-Pissed Off Sister Who Has Seen Enough, Seattle, WA
My Dear Woman,
I want to thank you for your remarks. Your words are direct and speak to your experiences as a woman and mother within the African-American community. I acknowledge that for empowerment and growth to occur within our community, there must be voices raised, avenues provided, and foundations developed so that we encourage meaningful dialogue as we seek to engage on this topic.
There are some things that you described that I want to directly respond to:
- The behaviors of your uncle and brother
- The concern regarding your son mimicking or modeling his male relatives’ behavior
First things first: my goal in this work is not to “save” anyone, and I apologize if anything I have written implies that. As a clinical traumatologist, I serve as a companion and guide walking with those who are seeking the journey of “self-discovery.” Rather than to save, my role is to assist those who want to empower themselves.
I agree that a sense of privilege is deeply implanted within the African-American community. However, the actions and behaviors of your male relative you have identified are not examples of that privilege. Those are the actions and behaviors of people who are existing and surviving.
The difference is this: within the Journey of Self Discovery, there are The Five Levels: existing, surviving, driving, striving and thriving.
- Existing-The journey is bleak and lifeless for the individual. Life is barely lived, let alone enjoyed or even experienced. Nothing is produced or gained by the individual at this level.
- Surviving-The focus of the journey is to remain alive and breathing. The individual attaches minimally to life, lives in fear, and is in a constant state of desperation. There is little gain, but not that much for the individual at this level.
- Driving-At this level, the search for empowerment begins. The individual wanders, seeking direction, and in doing so, learns balance and reinforces the psychological self. At this level the individual learns the importance of empowerment.
- Striving– At this level, the individual has a solid hold on their life and is fully experiencing their psychological self. The individual lives with their fears, and is successfully implementing empowerment strategies in their lives.
- Thriving- The individual has attained full realization of the psychological self and completed the Journey of Self Discovery. The individual has mastered their self-empowerment strategies, and can use this knowledge to support others and as a foundation for future journeys.
It appears that your uncle is simply existing, where your brother is surviving. I understand your frustration and concern for the welfare of your male relatives, but these are your frustrations and concerns, not theirs.
Your uncle and brother are not living their dreams at all. Dreams are workable hopes and desires that can be made true. Instead, your brother and uncle are just two of the many African-American men who are, by their inaction and destructive behavior, “living in their own illusions.” Furthermore, their behavior may be a way of medicating psychological wounds through the utilization of alcohol and drugs.
This isn’t to say that you should just accept their behavior, especially when it is truly unacceptable and impacts your household. And yes, in recent history, black women have been taught to give men benefits of the doubt that many do not deserve. However, this appears, from my experience, to be something quite different.
The questions to be placed before your uncle and brother are the following:
- What do you want for the psychological self?
- What are you willing to do in order to achieve what you want?
- What is your motivation? What are your ultimate goals before you close your eyes forever?
I would recommend that you allow your uncle and brother to serve as role models for your developing son. The definition of a role model is a person whose behavior, example, or success is or can be emulated by others, especially by young people.
However, role models can also examples of failures to be observed, learned from and not to be emulated by young people.
- Interact with males who behaviors you want your son to model. Consider conducting comparison and contrast situations with male relatives (or non-relatives) whose behavior you deem appropriate for your son.
- Consider the psychological and emotional damage you can inflict on your son by shielding him from this and not being there to help him understand the difference between “dreams” and “illusions.”
- Create a space where your son can be open and vulnerable with you so that he can openly discuss feelings associated with his observations.
One of the most important responsibilities of a parent is to prepare the child for their entry into the adult world. Under your close guidance, there are lessons and experiences that your son and others can gain, and in doing so, add to their developing foundation and psychological self.
As for your uncle and brother, it is never too late to learn new skills or transform their behavior. However, to do so is based on their desire to do so, and not your concerns or your needs. Staying within an illusion is a choice; one you may not agree to and yet one you must want to respect.
Concluding Words-Dr. Kane
“You don’t drown by falling in the water; you drown by staying there.”
-Edwin Louis Cole
My Dear Brothers,
I have no flattering remarks for you.
I write for the general readership, but in my In Our Corner blogs, I want to direct my concluding remarks specifically to black men as we walk the journey of self-discovery.
Regardless of our social status, education and achievements, black males for the majority are not valued by white society. However, this is neither an excuse nor an explanation for the psychological wounds we inflict on the members of our own community, specifically black women.
There will be those among us who, due to their own psychological wounds and lack of self-concept, will be unable to look within themselves, and would rather focus on questioning my personal motives. This is expected, but not productive.
Transformation can only begin with embracing acceptance and letting go of denial. There are those who are not ready to transform themselves, so their journey of self-discovery will not be complete until they accept themselves, the roles they have played, the mistakes they have made, and the impact those things have had on others. For some, that journey is a short one. For others, it never began.
If you are angry after reading this, I invite you to be with that anger. Feel it out and inquire of yourself why you feel that way. Accept that anger as a natural part of you but get curious about what you have experienced that has triggered that in you. Transformation and self-discovery can only occur by exploring the depth of your feelings and finding the root cause of it, instead of mindlessly finding a way to just dull the symptoms of it. Be willing to walk the journey of self-discovery with yourself, warts and all.
Searching for meaning is like drawing
Etching for life.
Asking for direction can bring
Breath for tomorrow
Risk taking has its challenges
Earning another opportunity to
Endure which bring wisdom.
Zest is what it’s about
Experience the Journey of Self-Discovery
-Dr. Micheal Kane
Until the next time,
Remaining…In Our Corner.