“Every breath you take
Every move you make
Every bond you break
Every step you take
I’ll be watching you.”
-The Police, Every Breath You Take
“Life is to be lived, not controlled; and humanity is won by continuing to play in face of certain defeat.”
My Dear Readers,
I write to you during difficult and tense times in African-American communities and other communities of color throughout the United States arising from a feeling of being unprotected in their own country.
In 1986, social psychologists created the Terror Management Theory. It describes a basic psychological conflict that results from the friction between the human self-preservation instinct and the rational understanding that death is inevitable and, in some cases, unpredictable.
Although social psychologists may pride themselves in naming the phenomena, African-Americans have been responding to terror management throughout the 246 years of slavery and the following 105 years of state-sanctioned terrorism and segregation, all the way to the more modern and subtle, but still insidious, experiences of police brutality and the prison industrial complex.
As explained under the Terror Management Theory, the conflict produces terror, and the terror is then managed by embracing cultural values or symbolic systems that act to provide the impacted life with enduring meaning and value. For many diverse and under-served populations, embracing cultural values are critical to developing self-respect and self-esteem.
Below is the story of an individual who reclaimed his life by reclaiming his self-esteem and his self-respect.
Dear Visible Man,
I’m at my limit. The police, once again, followed me as I was returning home from a long day of working as a Metro Transit bus driver.
I had my two sons in the car; I had just picked them up from school. At one point, the police cruiser was next to me and then in seconds, he was behind me. I immediately felt tension in my stomach. My heart was beating fast. I became scared at the possibilities of what could happen.
As the police cruiser followed, another cruiser joined in behind. My sons noticed their movements as well. It was an unreal feeling. One moment my sons were cutting up, laughing and being playful as adolescents are, then the next moment there is dead silence and a chill in the car.
I felt that my sons were in danger. My youngest was crying and I struggled to stay calm and get them to focus on me and not the cruisers. I informed them that we were about to be pulled over and I told them how I wanted them to behave: specifically, no quick or jerky movements.
Suddenly, the lead cruiser pulled slowly next to us, the police officer looked over us and the car, and then both cruisers turned off in the opposite direction. The joyful mood that we had was gone. My eldest was angry and shouting, but he became more upset when he realized that his younger brother had urinated on himself.
Upon arriving home, both boys went straight to their bedrooms. They didn’t want to talk about it, and honestly, neither did I. I felt so ashamed and powerless to protect my children.
My wife attempted to talk to us about it, but I had nothing to say. I felt that I had failed my sons as their father. I felt as if I was no longer a man in their eyes.
When I mentioned the incident to my crew at work the following day, the inability of my white co-workers to accept my experience shocked me. One indicated that it was not a problem because the police never stopped me. He saw my response as an overreaction. Another said that the police get behind him all the time and he doesn’t think about it.
Recently, my eldest showed me a quote from the book Invisible Man by Ralph Ellison. It said:
“I am invisible, understand, simply because people refuse to see me. Like the bodiless heads you see sometimes in circus sideshows, it is as though I have been surrounded by mirrors of hard, distorting glass. When they approach me they see only my surroundings, themselves or figments of their imagination, indeed, everything and anything except me.”
My eldest son tells me that the experience made him feel invisible. He is frustrated and now wants to bow out of attending college next year. My youngest son plays AAU basketball. Now they want to quit their activities and hang out with their friends.
Both are good students and yet their grades are now slipping. None of my sons have ever been in trouble. They attend church and bible study regularly. Now they aren’t interested. I feel that I have failed them as their father.
I have decided that if the police follow me again in the future, I am going to pull over and confront them. My wife strongly disagrees with me, but I am a man and self-respect and the respect of my sons are important to me.
As a strong black man, I know that I will find agreement with you on the issue of respect.
–Profiled No More, Seattle WA
My Dear Sir,
I cannot imagine the psychological pain you are going through during this difficult time. However, I cannot support you confronting a police officer that you may suspect of racial profiling in order to appease your sense of self-respect.
Stopping and confronting a police officer while he is carrying out his legal duties, even if you suspect him of racial profiling is not courageous. It is foolhardy, placing oneself at risk of arrest, injury and possible death.
Instead I suggest that you utilize the Five R’s of RELIEF. Specifically,
- Respite-take a breath and emotionally step away from the traumatic event
- Reaction-accept ownership of your feelings of anger, shame, and humiliation
- Reflection-bring balance to yourself by processing your feelings and thoughts
- Response-having owned your reactions, now communicate the appropriate response to the external environment
- Reevaluate-finally, be willing to reconsider, review and revise the actions taken.
As you initiate this process, resist the emotional urge to ask questions in the “why” format. Such questions provide responses that circle back to themselves, and as a result, they do not bring us full understanding of the foundation of the issue being questioned. A more useful method of inquiry would be focusing on the “what,” instead:
- What did I do to protect my sons from danger?
- What could I have done to reduce the traumatization of my children?
- What can explain the responses of my coworkers?
- What can I do to prevent the reoccurrence of the same experience?
What did I do to protect my sons from danger?
Your actions indicated following the ABC model, which is Advocacy, Balance, and Calmness. Specifically:
- Advocacy-you got your sons’ attention, warning them of the potential danger ahead,
- Balance– you were afraid, but you balanced those feelings with the thoughts around how to behave to leave that counter unharmed, and,
- Calmness-during the time in which the police cruisers followed and did the slow drive by, you maintained tranquility in your external world.
Under such difficult circumstances you may have felt helpless, but your actions actually empowered you and resulted in your ability to get your children home safely.
What could I have done to stop or reduce the traumatization of my children?
You cannot protect your children from their feelings, which may include traumatization. Calmly bring the subject up with them. As you are protective of your children, your children may seek to be protective of you by not wanting to share their experiences in fear of creating “bad feelings for Dad.”
However, “bad feelings,” or trauma, is already settling within the psychological self of you and your boys. You can assist your children in processing this experience by sharing the impact the incident had on you, thereby modeling and encouraging similar behavior and actions. Seek counseling or therapeutic intervention if and when necessary.
Remember– if you shut down or become silent, your actions become the “unconscious” model for your children when responding to situations like this in the future.
What can explain the responses of my white coworkers?
In speaking to your white coworkers, you are attempting to obtain understanding and compassion regarding an experience that is completely outside the world in which they live. They may live in a world where they receive community policing and therefore view the police as “protectors”.
Assuming that this is their reality, the experience you had is a completely “abnormal” experience for them, even though it is an uncomfortably “normal’ experience for you. There is a saying: “You can’t understand someone until you have walked a mile in their shoes”. Clearly, the brands or types of shoes you wear are unknown to your white colleagues.
Concluding Words—Dr. Kane
What can I do in order to prevent this happening again?
Nothing. You do not control what lies deep within the psychological self of another person. Governmental legislation, city ordinances and police departmental directives against racial profiling may influence the decision making of officers on the street, but those officers have power, and that training may not be enough to compel them to deter the racism and/or stereotypes that lies deep within their belief system, if it is there.
You lack the power to prevent incidents of racial profiling by the police from happening to anyone. The traumatic incident that impacted you and your sons occurred because a police officer with the lens of racial profiling observed three black males in your vehicle. It was his “truth” that a vehicle of three black males could only be engaging in “bad things”.
Following procedure of responding to “dangerous situations” a police officer with the lens of racial profiling called for backup with the intent of making a “vehicle stop.” It was only after the police officer with the lens of racial profiling did the slow drive by and looked through your window that he was able to remove his lens of racial profiling and see the real truth that a man and two children were in the car.
The police officer with the lens of racial profiling now removed having successfully confirmed no criminal activity, is now able to return to his regular patrol duties. It may be the perspective of not only the police officer, but of your white co-workers as well that since there wasn’t a stop, and there was no harm inflicted on you or your children, that no harm was done. However, this perspective fails to take into account the impact that the psychological trauma has on you and your family and its status as a microaggression in the form of racial profiling.
DO NOT confront the police in the streets. You will not win. The police will not allow you to win. The power that they have is comprised of the authority granted by a fearful society that is historically accustomed to turning a “blind eye” when it comes to control and law enforcement of black men.
Remember that the police can do no more than the society that commissions them to do. The police may have power, but individual black people can be empowered in dealing with them if they choose to be.
When faced with such situations, trauma can be impacted or reduced by utilizing the clinical tools of
- Five Rs of RELIEF
- ABCs — Advocacy, Balance & Calmness
- Empowerment– document…document and document. Report police misconduct to the department’s internal affairs unit.
Remember, your empowerment can never be taken from you …unused, you merely are giving it away.
“Play the game, but don’t believe in it- that much you owe yourself…
Play the game, but raise the ante.
Learn how it operates, learn how you operate.”
-Ralph Ellison, Invisible Man
“Life is a marathon
After you learn the game
Learn to run the race,
Focus on crossing the finish line
Run smarter, not harder.”
-Dr. Micheal Kane
Until we speak again…I am…The Visible Man